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Mental health

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Original poster

my life is in shatters I don't know what to do

19 replies

Eve34 · 06/02/2010 16:20

Please please help me. I have been depressed for years take citalapram having unhappy relationship with DP. He has been havng an affair for a year, promising me it was over, but it wasn't.

He has gone to her, what has she got that me and our son doesn't? He says he loves me but not in love. he could be if he gave us a chance. Relationships are hard work.

I just want him home, I can't see the future without him, I can't share my son. I can't live alone.

I just can't get myself together, my sister came but has had to go, friend have offered to come round I just want him home.

I have nothing without him.

OP posts:

SleepingLion · 06/02/2010 16:29

First of all, sympathy and unmumsnetty hugs for you - what an awful situation. And you feel shaken and confused and scared right now.

But it's not true that you have nothing without him and you won't be living alone: you have your son and he needs his mummy. And he loves you. So stay strong for him.

willsurvivethis · 06/02/2010 16:30

Eve you do have everything without him - yourself, your son, your family, your friends, even a future you just can't see it right now!

Please take up your friend's offer to come over - sounds like you shouldn't be alone right now.

He loves you but not in love well sorry but he's behaving like a twt, can't have everything he wants the way he wants so bggers off. A year is a long time to have an affair, he's not showing you any respect whatsoever.

Get support around you - you deserve it, keep breathing and take care of yourself and your child.

Lulumama · 06/02/2010 16:34

so so so so sorry

you will manage, you will get through.

you just don't feel like it now

get your friend round, you need someone with you

where is your DS?

he has lied and cheated for a year... you are worth more than a man like that.

he has not worked at this and he has mistreated you terribly when you are vulnerable

take this one hour / one day at a time

VinegarTits · 06/02/2010 16:35

willsurvivethis is right, and you deserve better then this man, your son deserves better, he is using you as a doormat, sorry if that is harsh but it is true, he is having his cake and eating it, and you are letting him, he has no respect for you, and if he loved you he would not hurt you.

Please get your friend around and start making plans for your future without him, dont waste another minute of your life with this awful man

Original poster

Eve34 · 06/02/2010 19:20

Thank you ladies, I have friend with me, and thinking a head. I know you are all right but right now I feel like my world has ended. Tomorrow is anotheer day, and another step closer to a new life. x

OP posts:

willsurvivethis · 06/02/2010 19:54

Eve that is a pretty good and positive statement for the situation you are in. Glad you are having support. Keep posting if you want so we can support you too

Original poster

Eve34 · 07/02/2010 09:24

i am on my own, he is coming to see his son soon, I feel sick and just want to beg him to change his mind - where is my self respect.

I hear what everyone is saying, he has treated me very badly. We use to have something really special, why can't he want to work that out together for the sake of our son.

I just devestated.

Think of me he will be here shortly. x

OP posts:

fallingtopieces · 07/02/2010 11:05

eve, you and I sseem to be in very similar circs and even the timing.. maybe we can hold each other's hand through this.

big huggs it's the most awful feeling in the world ever isn't it

Mongolia · 07/02/2010 11:19

Eve...

I was, apparently, depressed for years. When ex and I finally split I prepared myself to take whatever help I could get: ADs, counseling, support groups, etc etc.

And what happened? Once the initial shock was lifted, the depression was gone. I cannot say that it hasn't been difficult, I have to stand up and take in the chin whatever life is throwing at me, to survive on my own, to become financially independent, to stay healthy and sane because DS needs me (I couldn't afford to let myself drown in my own problems as I had to be there for him).

It is strange, these years have been the most difficult of my life, but also the happiest ones. I'm recovering myself piece by piece and it feels great. Future still is uncertain but I already know that I am in a better place that I used to be, and things could only get better. So one step back, and 2 forwards but slowly we are getting there.

You can get there too, take one step at the time and don't look back... remember about the following:

Just when the caterpillar thought the world had ended, it became a butterfly.

NanaNina · 07/02/2010 13:44

Eve34 - so sorry to hear what you are going through. Yes agree with others, it is a tired old line "I love you but not in love with you" - translated what that means is "I have no reason to leave you, it isn't anything you've done and I feel a bit guilty really but I am no longer excited/infatuated with you in the way that I am with the new woman, and at the moment I don't want to think any further than that" (or something like that anyway)

What he doesn't realise is that the excitement/infatuation will eventually wear off, but by then you hopefully will be wmotionally stronger.

Can you do some acting so that you don't show your vulnerable self to him - why give him the satisfaction of showing him this. Instead of showing him that you are a victim, could you become rather disinterested in him.............yes it would be an act but give it a go. As you say you need to be able to maintain your self respect.

You are in fact in reality going through a bereavement (doesn't have to be about death) and there is a process that you will go through, a very unpleasant journey in fact - all sorts of feelings, denial (this can't be happening) anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and they don't come in a straight line - you will take 2 steps forward and one step back. Can you afford bereveavment counselling or go to Relate or I think Cruise do it to (may find it on the websites) as i think this is what you need to help you to reach a stage in your life where what has happened becomes more manageable for you. It will take time - there are no short cuts. BUt as others have said, your son needs you to show some emotional strength now more than ever inhis life maybe.

Sending you very warm wishes and please believe you will one day look back onthis and know that you are in a better emotional space than at present.

Original poster

Eve34 · 07/02/2010 20:06

Falling to piece, would be lovely to have some hand holding :-)

Been a terrible day, I lost my sdelf respect, sorry to say, I cried like a girl got it out of my system, we took our son out, he has done so little with him and not really seen a lot of him in the last few weeks, that DS does not want to go anywhere with him, and I can't bear to force him to go out with him, hopefully we will get a better routine now and they can build a better relationship now that ours has come to an end.

I am looking ahead, but wnat him back so badly, but only if it could be SO good again, I am not having the shit in my life I deserve much better.

Thank you for the kind words it has really helped. x

OP posts:

winnybella · 07/02/2010 20:15

Eve, I know that feeling when you think you just can't go on anymore, the pain, the what ifs etc. You just can't imagine everything will be ok again, you feel you can't live without him. The anger at what he has done to you and your son, but also missing him.

Can I just tell, and please believe me, it WILL be ok, it will be even BETTER. Maybe in a month, maybe in 6. But it will. You're grieving right now. There will come a time when you will wake up one day and you will be fine.

That's life for you: periods of happiness and periods of misery. But remember: after every storm comes a day- cheesy, but that's what my mum told when I was little and it helped me to get through some of my darkest moments.

fallingtopieces · 08/02/2010 07:05

you sound like my twin eve.. I just want him to come back too There's that horrible lurching feeling in your stomach that nothing seems to get rid of isn't there? I've got a thread called 'he's left me' in the relationships topic if you want to have a read of my story.

Whereabouts are you based? I'm in the SE - maybe we could get together for a coffee or something if you're not too far away

I don't have small children so I'm alone here, I've started painting the living room, just to keep myself busy and it does help. Is there something you could do in a similar vein?

Original poster

Eve34 · 08/02/2010 20:54

Falling to piece I am in Hampshire, but work in Berkshire also if you are in that area?

Had terrible morning, GP gave me diazapam and right now it is the only way I can get through the day.

Decorating is a great idea, I have done few jobs, changed the bed, he was sleeping with me in til Friday :-( Feel like that is a step forward. Silly isn't it

Will check out your thread x

OP posts:

fallingtopieces · 09/02/2010 06:30

I'm in London Eve, going to make a new anonymous email address which i will put here, in case he does a search on me or something.

fallingtopieces · 09/02/2010 06:34

[email protected]

LoveMyGirls · 09/02/2010 07:18

I feel for you but I agree with the others that have said it will get better, I think life will actually be easier once the initial shock has gone.

I don't believe you want him back either I believe you want the man you met and fell in love with who by the sounds of it has been gone a very long time. You need to stop and think about the person he is today and then ask yourself if you really do want him back because that is the one you would get NOT the man you met because he doesnt exsist anymore.

Try filling in these questions as honestly as you can.......

The man who has left used to.......
eg look after us

Then

The man who has left is the type of man who....
eg can hurt me day after day for a year when I am vunerable

Then look at both lists and ask yourself are you really really honestly going to take him back? I think he's done you a favour by leaving I know it doesnt seem like it now but as the fog lifts and the world becomes clearer you will be glad you have the space to get over this and move on.

Fwiw - Are you on the pill? (Bizzare question but being on the pill makes me feel depressed, just wondered if it has had that affect on you without you realising? If you are I would give it up for a bit and see if that helps too)

fallingtopieces · 09/02/2010 07:51

Love my Girls you are sooo right. That's kind of the way I've been thinking too now and it's true, the man I fell in love with no longer exists and the one in his place is a deceitful, dishonest, selfish and cruel one. Not someone I'd want to associate with, never mind have a relationship with.

piratecat · 09/02/2010 08:11

i haven't any more words to add than the great things that have already bee said by these lovely women.
i have been thru what you are going thru, and i promise, even though it doesn't feel lik eit ever will, you will recover, for your child you will get there. Suddenly you get angry, and you get strong. You are going through a bereavement, and are in shock.

I am 5 yrs down the road, and it has been very hard, but I am still here, my dd is well and happy. I am on antidepressants, BUT since this has happened to me, somehow I have NEW strength. Strength and a sense of ME, that i never had before.

big biggest hugs to you.

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