I think I may have bi-polar disorder

[gosssipgirl]

This is really hard for me to admit, but I think I may have bipolar disorder.

My maternal grandmother suffered from this and my mother is questionable (never admitted it, but I know she takes anti-depressants).

I have looked through the symptoms online and I recogsise a lot of my behaviour.

I think this has been manifesting itself since my late teens, with various failed suicide attemps, random trips all over the globe on my mother's credit card and a few manic months of one night stands.

I regularly blow hundreds of pounds on online shopping, and thousands of pounds on exotic holidays on credit cards. Luckily then the depression kicks in, I don't go out much and manage to pay them off so it balances out.

Plans race though my mind on a daily basis and I spend hours online researching pretty unrealistic ideas. I used to run these by my mum/DH/friends but they would tell me I was mad, so I have learnt to keep these to myself now!

I am happily married now with a toddler but I do feel quite depressed and isolated.

Some days I don't leave the house, or even get dressed/shower etc although I obviously bath/dress my son.

I eat and eat and eat out of boredom/depression. I do have lots of friends and plenty of things I could be doing but I prefer to isolate myself if that makes sense.

I am in my early twenties, but you would guess I am 30+ if you saw me.

I know I should go and see my GP but I am worried she won't take me seriously.

Does anyone have any experience with this condition?

Am I going to damage my young son with my manic behaviour? I am his main carer, but he does go to nursery twice a week.

Hi there, from what you describe it does sound a bit like bi-polar.
I would print out what you've written here and show it to the GP - I'm sure she will take you seriously.
The fact you have a family history too is important.
I take lithium and find it does help in stabilising my moods.
GPs get paid a lot of money to listen to you, and you shouldn't be afraid of using them.

I guess I feel like I am in some way "giving in" if I go and ask for help with this...

Or that people will find out and say "I always knew she was mental" (which clearly I am!) and question my ability to look after my son.

Even now I sometimes look back on my behaviour a couple of weeks ago and think that the fuck was I doing.

I haven't spoken to my DH about this, nor does he know my family history of mental illness.

Confused.

Go to your GP. Admit that you need help.

My SIL is bipolar and is a wonderful mother to her DC. That has never been in doubt, even when she has needed more support.

Since she has been diagnosed, and has been prescribed medication she has been much steadier.

It is hard to hide the extreme highs and lows of mania and depression, I would be surprised if your DH knew nothing about it... even if he doesn't know your family history... Do you think he would react badly if you got a diagnosis?
It's not "giving in", it's recognising you need help and that is actually a positive thing.
I know what you mean about the stigma associated with mental illness, but we know ourselves we are just normal people with normal issues, we are not "mental".
It also doesn't affect your ability to be a good mum. Even when I was really really ill (mentally ill), I still did everything my DD needed me to do (fed, washed, put to bed etc.) I think it's an instinct thing that kicks in.
I am on lithium now and am able to care for my toddler just fine, it doesn't make you a bad mum, not at all.

I have bipolar disorder - you are far from alone. When I'm unwell my life spirals out of control. I struggled for a long time not wanting to take medication, and it does have its downsides but is the only thing really that helps me. My children are painfully aware of how unstable I have been at times but it's an illness and definitely runs in families too.

I do not think GPs (generally) have enough expertise to help people with bipolar disorder. When I went to see mine she just prescribed citalopram and it was about 18 months before I got a referral to a psychiatrist who I now see regularly, and I got that after reporting delusions. My psychiatrist thinks it can be dangerous for people who are bipolar to take antidepressants without a mood stabiliser as they can cause AD-induced mania.

I do believe you need a psychiatrist if you have this illness - it is very serious. I'm not sure I would be here now without my doctor.

I will try and make an appointment with my GP tomo to talk about it.

Would it be her to diagnose it or would I be referred on to someone?

(Don't really want to tell my own GP all the manic things I've done, so if so will make sure I see someone else!)

GetDownYouWillFall I think my DH just accepts this is how I am, I don't think he would associate my behaviour with any form of illness TBH. I don't think he would react badly though.

After reading up on the symptoms, things are coming to mind that might all be related, eg.

At uni, I didn't turn up to a few exams, I don't know why, I just thought it would be ok (self importance?) I really wasted 4 years beacuse of this.

When I was 21 I went out and bought a BMW sports car on finance. The insurance was over £3000 a year and I could hardly afford it but at the time I thought this was entirely rational.

Loads more like this.....

Then months of hardly leaving the house, gaining loads of weight... feeling like I'm a complete failure, have ruined my life, my son will be doomed etc.

Shit!

Good luck for tomorrow. I don't think a GP would diagnose tbh.....and actually my diagnosis was in dispute for some time - I saw three psychiatrists, one of whom thought I had borderline personality disorder. They finalised my diagnosis after I spent some time in hospital. But it took about 2 years...

Gosssipgirl

My SIL ordered a BMW - and they definitely could not afford it. The family had a legal battle to cancel the order. Her weight fluctuates madly too.

She is still a good mother to her children. Her DC are 16 and 12yo and lovely kids. They adore their mother.

Your parenting abilities have nothing to do with your illness - and it is an illness. The fact that you are willing to go to the doctor and are admitting that you have a problem shows that you are a good mother.

Good luck.

GP is not qualified to diagnose bipolar, you need a referral to a psychiatrist really but GP is your first port of call. It's not a label they should stick on anyone too readily so you might be assessed over a period of time, as ideally they will need to see you high then low and monitor your response to treatment

have been diagnosed for about 10 years (maybe bit longer?) and it has definitely got better with age and experience - was not happy to be diagnosed as had no idea anything was wrong for ages, always seemed to be the last person to know when I was ill and it just didn't feel like an illness, even the depressed phase didn't register as depression yet it was severe

the right meds helped for a considerable period of time, now am hopeful that have learned enough to self-manage although might take them if necessary just for acute phases (have longish cycle, a year to three years between episodes) - so although it's a serious condition it's also highly treatable