How can I help DP (possibly AS) make friends?

[ReformedCharacter]

DP has been really unhappy lately. I think he's depressed - he's either tired or grumpy or obsessing about something or other. Up until this evening he's been insisting that he's fine and has blamed work for his moods.

I don't know what changed today but he's decided to start talking about what's really bothering him. He's sad that he has no friends and he's aware that he must be doing something wrong but doesn't know what. He described how he'll try to join in conversations at work and end up feeling like a dick because his colleagues ignore him. It isn't that his colleagues are rude either, he's had the same problem at all his jobs

I have tried to be pragmatic and sensitive, but I've probably done a crap job!

DP is a great bloke, generous, kind, helpful, reliable etc, but he can be a bit tedious in conversation, or miss the context if it's a bit subtle. Sometimes he'll come out with things that aren't appropriate. He's not rude or offensive but he'll misinterpret the tone of a conversation. One example I can remember was at a gathering with friends and family and people were talking about funny things that had happened at work and he told an awful story about someone dying on the job. It ruined the atmosphere and I felt really awkward. He mentioned afterwards that the atmosphere changed after he'd spoke but I don't think he realised why. To him, people were telling stories about their jobs, so he joined in with a story about his job.

It has occurred to me that DP might have Asperger's syndrome. Our son was diagnosed with ASD a few years back and I can see similarities in their behaviour. I can't say this to him though.

I have suggested that he makes an appt. with his GP to ask for counselling - CBT maybe? I don't know if these kinds of social problems can be worked on or whether DP just needs to accept that he'll never be a great conversationalist and that it doesn't matter to those that know and love him - he's got loads of other great qualities! Maybe some anti-depressants might help him deal with his feelings towards himself as well?

Does anyone have any advice or experience?

Really sorry to hear about your dps problems. I only have a little experience of AS but it does sound a bit like it. Imho most men are somewhere on the autistic spectrum If he can get counselling that might be a start to improving the social situation or at least helping him to understand what is going on. I'm sure there are lots of folk on here who can give you more help about that specifically. Generally though,does he have , or could he take up, an interest where convesation will be about the activity rather than general chat - from model railways(!) to golf. He may not develop deep friendships but would have a variety of companions to add to his life. I think there is a huge and false emphasis on the importance of friendship that raises our expectations of life and can make us feel failures if we're not popular. Some people just don't do the friends thing that well and I still think that family is more important.

I have to say, my best friend has possible AS. And even though I know that it's not her fault, it can be very offputting when she comes out with something rude and inappropriate, even though I love her, so I can understand why other people might find it difficult to be her friend.
I don't have any tips per se. All that helps me is to have a thick skin about it, and see it as a part of her. If she ever says anything that offends me I don't take it personally, I just understand that it wasn't meant. Obviously it's a bit harder to explain that to a new aquaintance. What kind of socialising do you do? I find that on the rare occasions we go out for a night on the town she becomes an absolute social butterfly and has made a lot of friends this way.

Thanks both of you.

DP came home in a very good mood, saying how relieved he felt after telling me what has been making him feel depressed lately. I knew what was coming - he doesn't want to go to the doctors . We spoke at length again and in the end I just came out with it and said 'Do you think you might have Asperger's?' I was expecting him to be offended or angry, but he took it well. It opened up an opportunity for me to be honest with him about the inappropriate behaviour without him feeling attacked.

DP thinks he probably does have AS. He tried to explain to me what goes on in his head when he's trying to interact and how he knows he's doing it wrong but is unable to work out what would be right. He knows he bores people by describing his dreams to them and repeating, word for word, a comedy sketch he heard on the radio on his way to work, but he doesn't realise until after the interaction. I feel really sad for him.

OB, hobbies are a good idea. DP is good at pool and plays with colleagues at work. I think he would really enjoy going to a club but he would need someone to go with. I'm going to try to arrange something with my dad when we next see him. I'm hoping that if he became familiar with a place, he might feel ok about going alone, for a drink maybe, and if he's a familiar face other men might offer him a match. I don't know though, I've no idea how men interact with one another! There's also table tennis in the community centre and he could take DS there.

I agree with you about friendships being over-rated. I find the hassle of keeping in touch outweighs the benefits and am not bothered at all. I don't think DP is too bothered about having friends really, just depressed that he thinks he's unappealing.

Just - I'm with you on the thick skin thing. I used to get terribly upset with DP for his 'honesty'. Either I've mellowed or he's learnt over the years. Probably a bit of both!

We don't really socialise that much anymore. I used to find it very embarrassing when we went out so we haven't done for years. DP is very much accepted by my friends and family for his funny ways. My parents see him for the lovely man he is and don't give a toss that he's a bit awkward. I'm always a bit wary of my friends husbands because they meet up together and DP has never been included in that, which upsets me and him too probably.

Off to bed now

It sounds like you've made a really useful step forward together. Learning to live with yourself is not always easy. I do hope the improved mood lasts and that your dp can find something to add satisfaction to his life.