I feel that DH might be rejecting our new baby.

[StepfordWeeble]

Sorry for the double post (this has already gone in Relationships) but I realised that there might be more MNers with relevant experience here...

My DH suffers with an anxiety disorder which means that he goes through phases of feeling terribly anxious the whole time, with his mind awhirl about one successive worry after another. He functions very well in public and at work (he's very successful there) but during his anxious times crumbles almost the minute he walks through the door when he comes home. I spend hours, and hours, and hours acting as his counsellor.

He's desperately sad about the effect that this has on our life and his enjoyment of his time with me and our new DS, and is really working hard at sensible home-based remedies (such as diet and exercise), but point blank refuses to see a doctor or professional therapist.

I'm very sad that we spend so much of our time together processing his irrational worries and it is exhausting dealing with this the whole time. We seem rarely to have fun but what upsets me the most is the impact this is having on his and therefore our enjoyment of our new 9-week old DS (very much PFB!).

My DH clearly loves him but finds his existence a source of pressure/responsibility and therefore anxiety. His worries tend to go along the lines that he will make a mistake at work, his partners or clients will realise that he is no good at his job and fire him and we will lose the house. Having to be the breadwinner for DS gives this extra spice and his anxiety became progressively worse during my pregnancy and has really stepped up a notch since DS was born.

In practice this manifests itself as a refusal to engage with DS. He's very happy to help, but won't take responsibility, IYSWIM. So, for example, he'll change nappies until the cows come home but only when I ask him - he won't "notice" to do it himself. Similarly with bath time, despite this being the traditional Dad activity and just generally when he holds DS he is always watching the TV or playing on the computer at the same time and isn't putting that much into communicating with DS. It's almost like he's a robotic babysitter rather than someone with an emotional bond with our child.

Just now I asked him if he wanted a photograph of DS for his desk. We've had a good day, although as usual have tiptoed around him to make sure he doesn't get stressed. He immediately looked hugely stressed in response to that question and said "I'm not sure, I don't want the pressure" and that if he had a picture of DS at work it would give him something to focus his worries on while he is there. I know he doesn't mean it like this but I feel that these are little rejections of DS. I don't get it. DS is such a lovely, happy little chap.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with this. I feel as though I have to absorb all of his problems, regardless of how ridiculous they are (very, normally) and put up with minor acts of selfishness which are necessary because he needs to maintain a low stress level. Whilst knowing that it is not his fault, I absolutely hate that he can't "man up" for the sake of his son - or put on a better act for both of our sakes. Why couldn't he just have said "yes, I'd love a photo?".

Of course, telling him this only gives him something else to feel guilty and worried about so I'm constantly biting my tongue.

I love him very much and it breaks my heart that he has such a hard time and I do my best to support him, however irrational he is. Equally I feel like his anxiety is ruining our lives on a day to day basis and that it is casting a shadow over what should be a lovely time or us all. I don't want to look back and remember that DH was stressed about this or that instead of remembering what a special happy time we had when DS arrived.

Any tips on how to deal with this? Hopefully there are some MNers out there who have dealt with anxiety/depression either themselves or in their partners?

Congrats on your new baby

First of all it is fairly normal for dads (and mums) to find newborns hard to bond with. My dh could NOT cope with ds's colic and the fact that ds could not 'tell' him what was wrong. Ds is two now and a real daddy's boy - they're thick as thieves.

In terms of his anxiety it seems you have little choice but to let things come to a head in my humble opinion. Stop being his counsellor, stop pussyfooting around him, in short stop helping him to hide the problem from himself because he is. He must still be telling himself it is not so bad and he can sort it out or he WOULD have gone to the doctor by now. He has to find out the hard way that CBT and possibly anti depressants (ones that work on anxiety) can make a huge difference.

This sounds rotten for you.

I am not an expert by any means, but ... can I ask what reasons he gives (and perhaps what you think the real reasons are, if they aren't the stated ones) for not wanting to see a doctor or professional therapist? And whether he acknowledges that it is unreasonable, and not a healthy thing at all, to refuse this as it forces you to fill this gap instead?

It just seems hugely unfair to make you his counsellor - not your job and not appropriate, and not really feasible anyway now that you have a child. As your DS grows to toddlerhood, he'll need even more of your energy and attention and you won't have hours to spare on doing what a therapist should be doing. You and your DH need to sort this before that reality starts to make your DH resentful.

But again, take me w a pinch of salt cos I am not remotely qualified to advise you really -- just my opinion. I do really wish you luck. I understand your DH has a genuine problem, but still, I think he's being pretty selfish.

Hi there.

I have suffered from a condition that sounds similar to your DP's in the past - was diagnosed as generalized anxiety disorder. Although from the sounds he is suffering quite severely with it. After that I went on to complete a bachelor in psychological science, and now realize how long I suffered unnecessary!

I second Dorothea's sentiment, it is critical in my opinion that your DP seek some sort of medical / psychological help.. There are a variety of medications available to help him feel better in the short term, and in a medium - long term way - counseling and often CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) may be able to help him to change his thinking patterns significantly and eliminate his anxiety.

Not only is it an incredible burden on you - you may unwittingly be doing more harm than good. One of the critical maintaining factors of anxiety like you describe is avoidance of the stimulus that makes a person anxious. So while you are following your instinctive response to try to lessen the stress in your DP's life - that may only be worsening / prolonging his symptoms.

I am by no means an expert, but having suffered myself and studied anxiety in some depth, I highly recommend him consulting his GP and a psychologist (whom the gp will no doubt offer a referral to) ASAP...

Thanks everyone.

I've decided to stop the counselling immediately. Cold turkey. I've done it for long enough and whilst it helps DH to sort out whatever he is worrying about that instant, there's always another worry around the corner and we could go on indefinitely (and do!).

Willsurvivethis - I'm glad to hear that lots of DHs are slow burners on the bonding front. I'm looking forward to a time when DS is a bit more active and communicative and hopefully will grab his Dad's attention, not matter what else is going on in his head.

I think you're right, lilylu22 that DH has GAD. We've spent the weekend on the internet diagnosing it!

He won't go to the GP at the moment but I may be able to persuade him to get some CB therapy privately (the alpha male in him may be able to deal with that). Certainly I'd be happy with that compromise in the short term.

Lilylu22 - do you have any other tips of things to do/avoid doing as a partner of someone with GAD?

Hi Stepford,

While I think it's important not to 'buy into' the excessive worry - I do still think it is important to be supportive / patient as you can muster the energy for.

While it seems logical to 'us' that these anxious cognitions are completely unrealistic - when you suffer from anxiety things look dramatically skewed.

So I think the best way to support your DP is to take the stance though that you are NOT his psychologist, you require that he seeks help - for his own heath as well as yours. I guarantee he will thank you in the long run. I know that you said he feels hesitant to see a GP but in the short term, some mild anti-anxiety medications can be the best thing to reduce anxiety enough to let yourself think clearly and logically about your thinking. Also, it is extremely rare to have someone suffering from moderate anxiety as you describe, without an element of depression. They seem to go hand in hand and often, once a person becomes depressed it is extremely difficult to 'right it' yourself without the help of some anti-depressants. I would highly recommend him consulting the GP if possible.

A technique that helped me and that may help your DH until he can be seen / works up the courage to see a psychologist is to analyze his anxiety on paper. I used this technique and it was extremely effective for me. Sometimes once you write down the thought - it can become less daunting than it was swirling around 10000 times in your head.

Please see this link:
www2.hud.ac.uk/hhs/mhrg/anxiety/Recognising_anxious_thinking.pdf

On the last page there is a thought monitoring diary. He should try to do this daily / when he is most anxious. If nothing else, this would be useful to show the psychologist at his initial meeting. But I found this very therapeutic in itself.

Another thing I can't recommend highly enough is getting enough / ample exercise on a daily basis. For me, this was one of the most effective immediate treatments for preventing and reducing high levels of anxiety.

Sorry this is such a ramblings! Please rest assured that with the appropriate treatment your lives can be so dramatically different, I know first hand how crippling anxiety can be.