I told myself I was going to fight this. Instead I've given up

[twoisplenty]

I was doing really well the last three weeks. But something happened at the weekend, and it has brought horrid memories back. I don't know how to deal with them. So, my usual coping mechanism kicks in...I haven't eaten or drank anything for a day and a half.

I really hope I feel better tomorrow. I have done nothing for 6 hours, just lay on the settee feeling numb and exhausted.

I am so tired of fighting bad feelings and taking it all out on myself. Not just with food, but with wanting to hurt myself, which is new to me. It's overwhelming (life) I can't deal with it.

So tell me to get on with it and stop wasting my time, and to drink for %$^$$ sake.

I don't want to talk to my dh, I don't want to talk to the counsellor, seems to make things worse. I just want to sleep and forget.

Don't even know why I am writing this. It'a all self pity crap.

u will have bad days, i find that just accepting that its a bad time helps me get my feet back on track,on the bad days its almost impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel, its still there tho. Dont think coz ur feeling in a dark place right now that u have given up, its part of the roller coaster ride. Theres nothing wrong with not wanting to speak to anyone, when ur feeling better u will be able to share easier. Ru over-tired at the min? Lack of sleep makes things worse. Would u be able to manage something to eat even if its something light like a few grapes or crackers etc? just something

Please you must eat and drink something. It will make you feel better surely. Do that and then go to bed with a hot water bottle or something, just try to relax.
please see someone about your feelings about wanting to hurt yourself...I'm so sad for you that things are bad BUT remember you have had 3 good weeks recently. You can start to fight this again.
I don't know if any of this is of any help but couldn't not post. Big hug x

try and drink some milk, even if you dont feel thirsty or hungry its really imporant that you try or you'l end up making yourself worse.

big cuddles hope you feel better soon

Thank you so much everyone, it really really helps just to have some support and I like the hugs!!

No, I'm not overtired as such, I can sleep. Thank goodness. But I feel so stressed and physically tired but mentally buzzing.

It's only 8am, so early to know what today will bring, but I do feel slightly better, not so raw.

Haven't eaten/drank yet, but had a lovely bath which is soothing.

pinkyp, I really like your thoughts about accepting bad days. It actually helps to think that it is a bad day rather than thinking, this is it, I'm finished.

Hope today is better 4 u

Thanks pinkyp. Today was ok, I did manage to drink in the end. And I have eaten twice, so enough to get by.

But feel rather rubbish.

I had a really good think about things tonight, and realised that I feel helpless about my ds condition. Epilepsy (and cerebral palsy), but the epilepsy is bad, and medicines don't work. So despondent. I can't help him. I can't make him better. So I suppose I am taking things out on myself. I want to hurt myself, not for him to be feeling ill/pain.

Will talk to the counsellor soon. But I don't think I can tell her about self-harm. Sounds childish and I am ashamed of it.

I'm sure it is nothing they haven't heard before. It probably sounds worse in your head than it does to someone else.
Glad you are eating, try to stay strong.