Can my health vistior remove my son?

[LittleMarshmallow]

After weeks of not coping I finally got enough courage to call back my health visitor who promised she would support me during this difficult time because of everything going on.

I saw her yesterday and she made a comment about taking ds with her and not letting me see him ever again. I have done nothing but worry about this all night. I am worried that if I have anything more to do with her or any health professional then this will come true.

Can see do this? Really?

Could she have been trying to give you some tough love to give you a kick up the backside to get to the GP or something?

xh parents are divorced and his mum is about re-marry. we have shall we say put the past behind us for ds's sake but friends ? no

this is why i am playing piggy again between my family and his because they all want their share of ds and tbh i dont think its right, everyone wants this weekend or that weekend blah blah and yet i just want to protect ds but do what i would expect xh to do if the situation were reversed but my mum cant understand that.

just to clarify when i said i wanted to run away i would never leave ds i would take him with me, and i can care for him this is why i am exhausted because i put him first in everything, why i spend my lunch collecting him from one nursery to take him to the other one so that once he has a full time space he wont have to move and make new friends all over again. and if i didnt care about him why would i be asking for help?

all i wanted was some support for me, for once someone to care about who i am as a person not just "poor little ds"

LM, I can understand that you feel like you want to run away, it's a perfectly normal response, believe me, and I haven't been through half of what you've been through!

I honestly don't think anyone thinks you're strange, at least no one who has ever been through anything like the experience you've had to endure.

I'd be more likely to think you were strange if you didn't feel like running away, to be honest!

It must be so hard for you trying to keep it all together, for your DS, it shows clearly just how much you love and care for him.

I would contact your local PCT and make a complaint about her comments. She absolutely has NO RIGHT whatsoever to take your child away.

gosh what awful things to have to deal with. you msut be shell shocked.

hv was out of order.

dont know what area you are in but ask GP about a referral to family therapy services for both yourself and child. if you near london there is tavistock, anna freud centre etc.

also if you are able, write down in what sepcific ways you would like help from SS / hv - what specific practical help do you need? then you present it as "if you can help me with xxx and yyy then i will be able to cope well"

someone to come in three times a week to help care for him?

domestic practical help with housework?

sure start/homestart volunteer for moral support - can you go to local surestart childrens centre and ask what they can offer?

local MIND office?

It sounds like you are doing an amazingly good job given everything that is going on, well done.

It also sounds like you need some support, which it doesn't sound like your family or ExHusband's family seem able to give in away that is helpful to you.

I would suggest that you look at what it is you need to feel better, counselling, some time on your own, and then plan to get it.

Your GP can refer you for counselling, but if you are a student, I think you are, you better bet might be your college or uni as they often have counselling services with much shorter waiting lists.

Could you ask tell your EXH's mum and/or your mum/dad that they can have DS for a morning or evening a week every week to give you time to breathe/have a bath/cry/go out with a firend/whatever? If they can't do what you want just say fine, but that is what is on offer...

Could you tell your mum/dad that their comments are unhelpful and you would be grateful if they would stop saying them, how do you think they would hear that? Would they be able to?

Finally if you are worried about money contact the CAB and see adebt advice worker who will help you draw up a budget, make sure you are receiving a full entitlement of benefits and negotiate with any crediotrs.

Your HV is a screaming cow, don't see her again. As everyone has said what she said is just rubbish, you sound like an effective mum who is doing the very best she can in very difficult circumstances.

very big, very un-mumsnet hugs!

It sounds to me like you are surrounded by unhelpful and incompetent people.

Speak to your GP (if they are better) and ask for a referral to someone who will understand the stressful situations you have been through. Ask about ptsd (which you can get after repeated traumatic events) and hopefully you will get the referral you need.

When I had my DT and was suffering from pnd and ptsd from previous traumas, my HV just kept saying "what do you expect, you have twins, you just need some sleep" It's taken me 8 yrs to get the right treatment.

This womans comments were inappropriate and unacceptable. You have managed amazingly well and are obviously a very strong and competent parent. To have been through the numerous traumas that you and your ds have and to come out the other side with a clear enough mind to ask for support when its needed is no easy feat. And her nasty and vile comments seem to be the straw thats broken the camels back here. Don't let her frighten you, you have dealt with more than this and i hope that in time you come to appreciate quite what it is that you have managed. Your protecting your ds from being pulled from pillar to post, when he too is in a vulnerable state, your supporting your family financially and still trying to further your self in uni for the future to be that much better you you both. Of course its a struggle, of course you need support. You say you've felt like running away, but you've dealt with this all head on, you haven't run away. You're an amazing mum and an admirable person. Don't let this woman belittle you like this. good luck and well done for getting this far.

Was going to put what mumofmonsters said, you are actually still coping, you sound like an incredibly strong woman. When it comes to SS make it clear you can cope with your son, essentially that is the easy part, it is everything else that is too much.

I only really have experienc of adult services so far (as I am disabled and about to become a disabled parent) however children and families may become involved at some stage. I have found that how you phrase things is key - as in I never say I am worried about how I will cope caring for my child I always use phrases like 'I will need help to fulfil my parental role'. I know it's daft but it is a big difference in what they see you as asking for and thereby the type of intervention they take. In my case I have been granted a personal budget and my child as such is not conidered to be 'in need'.

Parentline sounds like a good idea, I'm afraid I don't know how to do links but if depression is one of the problems google Disabled Parents Network. They have their own phoneline too but I'm just not able to find the details right now sorry. They are very good though and a lot of the parents have had varying levels of help/hindrance from SS, it's not all horror stories.

Also if you have a CLAC or CLAN in your area (Community Legal Advice Center/Network) they may have legal advisors that specialise in this type of area. That is how I got help, one very stern letter threatening legal action if they didn't follow the law. I'm entitled to legal aid so that helped.

Hope this is helpful and not just too overwheming (I know it can feel like an awful lot more to do just to stop anything else from happening, nevermind actually sorting the problems).

On a side note unhelpful/stressful parents are never a good thing. Are they the kind of people that if you could point out if the opposite had happened (ie you had died and Xh had custody) that both your son and they would be devastated at lack of contact? That you believe you are better people than that. Would they maybe undertand a little better the need for contact with the other grandparents?

Also isn't it going to be law soon that grandparents can seek access - so rather than wait for a court order from what would then be strangers it's better for your little boy to know who they are. I'm just trying to think of a way to put it so it would either sound like less hassle or more important to them.

and remember whatever else she may tell you you are under no obligation to see your hv or let her into your house. Some hvs don't seem to realise they are just nurses with some extra training who are there to support parents (with a sincere apology to all the good uns, I have met some fab ones)

are the nurseries private or state? the hv could actually hep you (or SS) by pushing for you to get him a full time place as soon as possible.

if they can idnetify him as a "child in ened" by virtue of your PTSD (or whatever) and any of his health needs, loss of his dad etc - then they can and should provide help. and helping you to get full time nursery place is one way they can do this - esepec if the nurery/ies are state funded. or they could ensure he got a full time place in a state funded community nursery.

also i am not sure why nursery are supposed to be arranging counselling for him - surely would be GP referral? also would be something like play therapy at this age? or visits with trained child therapist ?

the nursery are trying to arrange counselling because they are a good nursery and wanted to help to take some weight off my shoulders.

I think it is play therapy at this age but anything would help repair our relationship to make it stronger.

the nursery is state funded and as soon as june hits he has a full time space. so that will help it is just to get to that space.

If you are suffering mental illness then you should ask for a referal to the community mental health team. You would then be treated by a psychiarist and a CPN. If you aren't coping then you need treatment to help you cope.

LM I am a HV and I can tell you categorically NO she cannot. I would report this inappropriate comment as it's terrible - even if she was jesting. Totally wrong.

JollyPirate you are one of the ones my apology below was aimed at - I've seen some of your other posts too

sorry for taking so long to reply, i got back to work this afternoon to find out she has made an appointment for my gp for the only evening i am at uni. she knew this.

i wish i never bothered now clearly it is wrong to ask for help and wrong if you dont.

LM - don't let her interfere with your life. Clearly she thinks she's helping (although I am shaking my head at her actions) in making a GP appointment. Cancel it and make one at a time to suit you. If your GP is helpful then talk to him/her and decide if you want or need antidepressants or if a different therapy would help. Play therapy sounds great - anything which will help you enjoy each other's company for a time. I can understand some of your issues on a personal level as I had dreadful PND which definitely affected my relationship with DS for the first year (and for which I feel neverending guilt hence he wraps me round his little finger )

Also - do you have a children's centre locally because if you do it might be worth finding out what support they offer. Ours are brilliant and have outreach workers who will go in and offer support. One of the mums on my caseload became agoraphobic after her last baby and the outreach worker has been just brilliant in getting to know her and develop a good relationship. They are now taking short walks down the road - slowly and patiently this Mum is getting there. Have you got anything like this where you are?

You sound like you have such a lot on your plate. Do something today - get a sheet of paper and write down all the things you do for your DS - I bet you will amaze yourself when you see what a good job you do and include the basics in that list. It's no mean feat being a Mum and the fact is that although we sometimes get it wrong (all parents) most of the time we do a fabulous job - pat yourself on the back for that.

Definitely cancel the gp appointmnt. Rearrange it if you want to.

You dont have to have the hv involved if you dont want. Or in your house. Tell her you will see her in clinic. When you need to see her.

I'm wondering if the hv is the right source of support since you seem to have such a crap one.

Would you consider cruse for bereavemement counselling?

You seem to have so much going on in your life and competing demands from relatives plus the grief from yourself and your son to deal with that I doubt that you cant cope with your son. More that some where you need someone to talk to in a safe environment.

It strikes me that your hv is not safe to talk to at the moment. You dont need more stress.

Thank you so much for your replies. I have been out ds is away tonight with my mum and i came back ended up talking to the sales agent where i live (new build) but it made me feel a thousand times better she is having a crap time too (not that is good) it is just helps

i have cancelled the gp appointment and when i find some time for me i will get there. i am concentrating on getting through each day.

You are right Jolly Pirate I do a thousand things a day for ds including all his food due to his food allergies/ intolerances it is harder to make food etc

I am just exhausted from doing everything

LM - am going to keep coming back to this thread to makesure you are OK.
You are doing just fine by yourelf IMHO.
Keep your chin up.

Thanks SixtyFootDoll, I think I give this impression that I am coping where underneath I am not.

It's back to work and everything else tomorrow which I am worried about it sometimes feels like a treadmill that I just cant get off.

It just never ends and I am so angry deep down that I am left to pick up the pieces of everything I wish all the time he was here despite us not getting on, I have so many regrets and it hurts so much. It is made worse when ds asks to listen to his daddy song, it is heartbreaking.

LM if relatives are offering to look after DS, think about taking them up on it, at least then you can do something for yourself.
Def think bereavement counselling may help, maybe for DS too?

Yeah I am trying to get ds something as I know he is upset and angry that "his daddy" isnt here anymore and he takes that anger out on me.

He listens to a black stone cherry song about things my father said which is pretty accurate but it is heartbreaking watching him sing it. I just wish I could take his pain away.

I am thinking about counseling for me too, as there is so much going round in my head, i love ds its just at times i honestly wish i could trade places with xh or even just say sorry the whole thing is a mess, made more complicated by money as usual.

if i could run away i would

What about changing Gp practices?
New GP/ Health vistor maybe more sympathetic?
I really believe you need much more support than you are gettting,

I have just got my gp after a 4 month wait to get one in this area. this is actually the second one as the first wouldnt allow you to book any appointments and everyday was pot luck

the health visitors are in one location for the whole area so am screwed with that one, the only good thing is that ds's nursery are trying to help him, so i must have done something right there.

a lot of the issues i am going through were present before xh death so it has just made things harder and i am very concerned that anyone would joke to take ds away from me when he was sat next to me and he is already worried about that in the first place. it just makes you so sad that you can trust no one anymore. i really thought this woman would be ok at least not do this, although she hasnt beat the behaviour of my last health visitor but still