Can my health vistior remove my son?

[LittleMarshmallow]

After weeks of not coping I finally got enough courage to call back my health visitor who promised she would support me during this difficult time because of everything going on.

I saw her yesterday and she made a comment about taking ds with her and not letting me see him ever again. I have done nothing but worry about this all night. I am worried that if I have anything more to do with her or any health professional then this will come true.

Can see do this? Really?

can she personally, no I don't believe so.

No she can't

What did she say that for - its hardly helpful. If you can, you should complain to someone about this because it is very very poor practice to say something like that to anyone, let alone a struggling mum who is asking for help!

Try going along to your GP and telling him/her what happened.

They can't take your son away unless every other option has been tried!

Wow that's a bit extreme

I have no idea whether she can do it? Maybe she was trying to scare you though it wasn't the right thing to do?

I'm sorry I don't know your story- is life tough at the moment?

{{{{hugs}}}}

Your HV cannot take your son, the only people that can do this without a court order is the police and even then only in the case of an emergency and a court would have to make a decision pretty soon afterwards.

If you feel strong enough, I would contact the head of health visiting and make a complaint about her comments. Why people continue to make unhelpful remarks to mothers that are struggling is beyond me.

Can you contact Homestart and try to get some help from them, and perhaps visit your children's centre and see what's available there.

my god! No, she can't. And what an unhelpful and frightening thing to say to you!

This is why after ds1 birth and I was convinced he was the devil, I, with the help of my husband, well - my husband really cos I was in no state! Hid it from EVERYONE! Which is wrong because you suffer greatly.

Yes, children are removed BUT if they are in danger! And pnd (any depression, am just assuming it's pnd is so common and NOT a reason to remove a child! They are supposed to give you HELP! To recognise that it is common and support you. you haven't hurt or threatened to hurt your child I assume?

Bloody woman.

Go to your gp, there is help out there. And when you are strong enough, perhaps you might want to complain about the hv.

Life is horrific and it reads like a soap opera, I spent the most part of last year going through a messy contact battle about ds and his food allergies / intolerances as xh wouldnt feed him the correct food.

Then I moved house costing a horrific amount of money due to all the house visits i was getting with xh and his family.

Xh had a car accident in novemeber and spent the week in icu then died, the same week my gran died.

My tutor at uni tried it on with me last semester so I had to go through an investigation into that.

My work then tried to make me redundant but have failed to follow any procedures and this is now going to tribunial.

I just cant keep going like this. I really trusted her and all she has done is make me feel even worse, I am now scared she is going to take him away, I havent / have NEVER hurt him he is all I have left I asked her for help because I know I cant cope because I am so angry at xh for leaving me in this hell to deal with everything and his family

No she cant
As said above only the Police can remove children and that has to be in a situation where a child is at risk of immediate harm or danger, ie children left home laone, severe neglect etc;

I am [shock that a health visitor said this to you.

Maybe she meant it that your baby is so lovley that she would (jokingly) like to take him home with her??!!

With all that going on it is no wonder you are struggling!

Go to your gp instead. Obv this health visitor is not the right person to help you. Do NOT let this put you off getting help.

She can't take your son away.

She didnt joke, she said to me "oh well shall I just take him with me now then"
I just didnt answer because I honestly no longer what to think.

She continued to say "I cant anyways but could always arrange it"

This upsets me more, because since August I have begged for help and so far I have had one health visitor (from where I used to live) write to the court to tell them I made up his food intolerances when she never met me or my son despite all the documentation that supports this.

I saw a gp and was on anti depressents but well he is useless, and i havent been back because I am at a new job where i need to work and cant take time off in the first month

That is all horrendous- you must be so stressed. How unfair

In what ways do you feel you are not coping?

Gosh LM you have had a really tough time, I would go and see your Gp as soon as and tell them all you have gone through.
No one could cope with all of that alone and not feel down about it all.

It might be worth contacting your social services dept and tell them what has happened ( esp the HV comments)
THey can offer support/ practical help.
I am just concerned that the HV may have made a referral to them, it might be worth getting your side of the story in too?

Best wishes to you though

Well social work know i am not coping because ds's nursery are trying to find counselling services for him to help him but as he is 3 the nursery manager was told "well at that age we expect them to deal with it themselves"

its a mess, i am worried greatly about money because the bills are mounting up and i just cant lose the house, i think that would be the last straw.

also i am playing piggy in the middle from everyone again as i have no intention of not allowing ds to see his dads family as long as they are poliet to me etc but my parents dont want this and cant see how it is important

i am just exhausted, worried and stressed and it is stupid but have so many regrets and wish that at least xh and i could have been civil to each other not fighting which is what we did the last time i saw him.

i am haunted by the hospital images of him there and the accident details and cant understand how some of it happened

No. The only people that have the power to remove a child is the police (under police protection powers) and social services.
Your health visitor has no such powers and I think her comments are disgusting, unprofessional and should be reported.

I understood that if a parent couldn't cope, the first steps would be for adult and community services (SS) to arrange a common assesment framework meeting with a range of people involved in your life - such as nursery staff, health visitor, any services (including voluntary) who were currently involved in your life - and there you would be able to ay which areas of life you are struggling with and they work out what support can be found for you.
These CAF meetings are ongoing and the parent is present and involved.
SS do not WANT to take children away lightly, more they want to be be able to help vulnerable people help themselves to find ways to cope.

I'm sorry, but your HV is an arse.Agree, perhaps it would be better to speak to your gp if they are nice.

Is there home Start in your area?
If not, find your nearest children's centre and ask for a referral to a parent support advisor.

You have had an horrifc time of it and it is no wonder you feel you have reached the limits of your coping abilities.

Can you access any counselling?

I have mangaged to get back to the gp because i couldnt face it but i really thought that the hv could help it has taken me about 3 weeks to call her, i dont know if i could go through trying to get to the gp i have so little faith left in the health services.

but it will teach me to say anything, i am going to avoid her calls for just now and try and see if i find some ways of coping without medication and hopefully if the nursery sort ds's counselling then it will help and just take little steps

LM you're going through a really horrible time and none of it is your fault.

It's perfectly understandable that you're struggling to cope after everything that has happened. You are doing amazing just keeping it all together, you really are. I'm not sure I wouldn't just fall to pieces in your situation.

Can you got back to your GP, maybe see a different Doctor and ask about support and counselling for you, as well as for DS?

If you don't feel ready to do that, perhaps you would feel up to calling cruse they might be able to give you some advice on how to go about getting the right support you need?

You've got so much on your plate right now, your head must be spinning, you need to get the right support. I think someone suggested surestart, which is a good idea, there's also confidential advice available from parentline plus.

Your HV is a complete cow to be so bloody insensitive to how you are feeling right now, I think she has really let you down

Please see if you can find someone to support you, you sound like you really need a strong friend and advocate right now. Homestart is a great idea.

Things can and will get better. Your health visitor should never had said those things to you. Anyone in your situation would be struggling, you've had a really tough time and it is ok to admit you need support, no-one should be threatening you for doing so.

I hope you manage to find support and reassurance. It's very tough to feel on your own dealing with this stuff.

this is going to sound so self induldent but i have realised that when it comes down to it there is only me, my friends think i should have "gotten over it" by now.

my parents cause my hassle than it is possible, i can speak to xh mum so i have pretend the world is all rosy.

the pretence of all of this is exhausting and there are moments when i would gladly change places with xh and leave him to deal with hell.

LM, it doesn't sound self indulgent at all, no one can say when anyone should get over anything, everyone is different! Your friends might not think that you know, perhaps they want to help but just don't know how?

It's not being self indulgent to ask for help, it's a sign of real strength to be able to admit that sometimes you just can't cope with it all on your own.

You will come through this but I do think that you are going to need support and counselling. Would you consider ringing Cruse? Even if it's just to get some things off your chest?

I will think about it but obviously need to wait till ds is in bed he doesnt need to see me upset too. I have thought about it before but keep putting it off as i am sure people think i am strange that i havent managed to cope.

i really wish i could run away i know i cant but at times it seems the easiest option.

Sounds like you need to be very careful what you say to these people.
I'm guessing she responded with 'shall I take him now, it can be arranged' because you said you couldn't cope with him.
You need to be VERY careful, she will document what you've said.

If you think you cannot cope now then try coping when after they take your son.

You need to explain how you CAN look after your son sufficiently next time you speak with any of them.

If you have caused this health visitor to get the social services in then you have really invited the devil into your home and you better learn to kiss their asses and do it well very quickly or you could lose your son, as I lost mine.

I'm really sorry to worry you anymore but I need to tell you how crucial it is that you now do everything in your power to show you CAN look after him, and never make any comments about not coping with him again.
If you cannot cope right now ask a family member or friend to help, do not ask them to help take care of him it can be used against you.

No matter what you think you ARE coping more than you realise. You are still here, you are fighting for your son and you are trying to find help because you know you need it. How is that failing? It might not seem like a lot but considering what you are going thru that is HUGE.

I have no words of advice that haven't already been said.

Oh you poor thing

You need someone on your side and I agree your gp is a good place to start. Tell her what has happened.

The health visitor who spoke to you in this way behaved totally inappropriately. I would contact the hv service at a senior level and report what was said (in confidence) and ask to be allocated a different hv - if you want their involvement at all.

So your relationship with XH parents is good? Can you build on that and get support from them? And your own parents causing hassle?

Take care

I think I would also write down all the details of your encounters with the HV. Whilst fresh in your mind. She will have done.

Please excuse my last post, I didn't read all the thread.
I know your son is 3 now so he won't be too at risk of being taken as he'll be less adoptable.

Sounds like you've been through a lot of trauma, can you get referred to a psychologist to help you deal with it?

I still think it's important to tell health visitors you are looking after your son well.
Even if you need to cut your uni/work hours so there's less stress for you and you can focus on what's important; your son, and recovering from all that you've gone through.