trouble with friends :(

[edithpoppy]

i'm just writing because i'm a bit at loss and don't know where to go for advice.

i have always been the type of person who has a small gathering of friends rather than a huge group.

after i left uni we all went our seperate ways and tried to keep in touch...thats life. i then got divorced and lost most of my so-called friends who decided to 'side' with him. i always kept quiet about what went on with the marriage out of a loyalty to him and the ideal of the marriage. he didn't hence me being the bad guy and him the angel.

anyway, it was good as i met my dp who has given me 2 beautiful children 4yr and 14mo.

my problem is i can't seem to make any new and meaningful friendships. i know people where i worked that i meet for coffee but i'm in senior management there so can't get too involved with people.

i can't find anyone who i can really gel with. i've always just sort of got on with it, but its getting me so down now.

i go to baby groups with DD and i know other mums to say hi to, but they all seem to know each other and its hard to break into the cliques. likewise when i pick DS up from preschool. people either don't talk or won't break away from their cliques. i wend to pick DS up one day in tears and noone said anything to me, not one person.

i didn't grow up here and so don't have any family or old school friends around.

i just feel so lonely and i'm not sure what to do about it. i tried the local mumsnet but noone replied to my thread and there isn't much happening on the page.

am i just a huge loser? i'd so dearly love a friend who i could go for a drink with/go shopping with/have coffee with - but there is noone. how do i make this happen without looking so desperate.

can anyone help out there? x

When you're next at mum/baby group, why dont you be brave and strike a convo with one of the mums, eg "I love the dress your little girl has on, I have hunted high and low for one like that for my DD, where did you get it from" Once you are in convo, ask her if she fancys popping round for a coffee?

hi

have you fried netmums meet a mum section. they are better than this one here (sorry!!)

which area are you in?

its the same for me,everyone here grew up together so they've been friends for years. you're not alone with this

Hi edith, what area are you from?

x

I can see myself in bits of your post - you put pressure on yourself for it to all be fine because you are successful (you) or intelligent (me, less successful these days tho...) and I think others can assume you are ok because of these quite honestly superficial things.

I've never engaged with the local section on here either sadly, I tried once and then worried I was too needy. I am sure there are loads of people waiting for the offer - I know when I have tried it's been worth it - I'm with you that it's hard though. My DD and I have had to move quite a lot in her 3 yrs, and separated from her dad, and my friends say they think of us but it's hard to get support.

Where abouts are you? Are you working full time? - that (IME) seems to make it harder. I don't know what to suggest really except keep trying, and be open at work - my friends were never my direct juniors but they were kind of sideways IYKWIM though now we are hundreds of miles away. Hang in there.

hi thanks for posting so quickly and so kindly;

loopylou - i do talk to the other mums, in exactly the way you suggest, but am just not really brave enough to suggest a coffee. i know i should, but i guess it just takes that added bravery i haven't got!

ilovetiffany - haven't heard of netmums will look that up.

cuppaT - i'm in malvern, worcester.

it doeos get harder as you get older doesn't it?
x

notevenamousie - yours arrived after i posted - thank you. people do make assumptions and i don't know about you, but i put on this confident front when i go places, and today at tumbletots one of the mums said' hi, how are you' in passing and i just automatically said 'yes, good thanks', when my head was shouting, 'actually i'm not that great, and it'd be so nice to have a chat about it'.

maybe its a british stiff upper lip thing?

i work a day a week and then cover the rest of my hours in evenings and weekends whenever i get a breather. and i do understand what you say about work friends, but its a small place and i like to keep my private life separate.

how have you coped with moving and a seperation? that must've been so hard.

South Wales here bit of a distance, well about 2 hours away??

Was going to suggest a coffee, could do with some new friends myself .

It is very hard I know, I struggle myself. I've recently posted on my own issues here. I suppose it's just gaining the confidence when others seem so much more confident than you feel (well for me anyway).

x

Not great at the moment thought for quite a few months I was doing ok (have another thread here which is how I found yours). Am sure workplace freindships can go wrong, I have been lucky. Am a fair few miles away from you sadly. There's definitely a front, a brave face, sadly the last few days I have not even managed that. But I usually do.

Have heard people talk about clubs and doing fun things with other people - I haven't managed it but I would love to say, learn to climb, or do some sort of dance exercise class. Otherwise, I have made some decent internet friendships - not always close but people I have met at times and could ring if I needed to.

Be brave with those ladies - do any of them look as if they might be struggling, or are quiet, etc - I so think you might be surprised.

Threads like this just make me wonder who all these women in these cliques are, because there's so many of us that feel we're on our own!

I do sympathise as I grew up abroad and sometimes you just need a mum and dad near you to ask if they can have ds for a bit while you go to your appointment, it's often so much easier than asking friends. I'm blessed with good friends though, most met by accident. My best friend I met through her dh who I met on the train!!! They are now ds's godparents.

I wish you were at my mum and toddler group! I make a point of going up to mums on their own and striking up conversation! Sometimes they are really pleased that someone has noticed them (others just seem to be there for their DC and not interested in making friends which is fine).
I'm lucky in that I have a group of friends there, but I really try and make myself available to new people because I know exactly how it feels to be "on the fringe" - have been there myself.
What about the person who organises the group, maybe they can direct you to someone who is friendly / or lives near you?

In a similar situation here, EdithPoppy, feeling gloomy about it just today actually.You sound nice like lots of other mumsnetters but i'm in Norfolk so too far! There must be other people near us in same situation. Where are they??

thank you all so much for your posts. you are all so kind to take time to respond.

your suggestions are all good, and you all sound like such nice people, its just a real shame we're all over the country.

i hope i haven't sounded too needy - its been really good to just say it how it is, and not be made to feel silly about it.

thank you x

Don't worry about sounding needy....

Just wanted to say that apart from the divorce, I could have written your OP. In fact I did a while ago on another forum...

The upshot was (like here) realising that I was in the same boat as so many people. One things I learnt was how long it takes to meet new friends. I had been going to two baby groups for 18 months before getting to the point where we were talking about meeting up for play dates. (Sometimes I think I come across as too pushy in asking if people want to meet up too soon and scare them away - I wish there was a rule book!). I also started to feel that I was 'paying for friends' - ie paying to go to groups to meet people as much for my sake as ds's.

Anyway sorry so waffle about me. Things are better now - but I still feel like you sometimes. I hope things start to look up for you soon.