At last, feeling some anger instead of apathy, but I don't like it!

[twoisplenty]

Have been having counselling for around 6 months now. It started with me being generally overwhelmed, and dealing with my ds with sn.

But deep down, there was loads more - mostly centering around my mum.

And now, 6 months down the line of counselling, I am starting to get so angry with my mother for being neglectful in my childhood. You know, how dare she have done all of the things when I was young. I couldn't have done all of those things to my children. How could she??

But, as usual, my method of dealing with anything bad, is to hurt myself, internalise it. So here I am again, wanting to avoid eating, do anorexic things, and I am SO TIRED of feeling like that.

So, basically, how can I move on?

My mum has ignored/neglected me for years, and suddenly (last week) she is being loving and caring. It felt nice at the time, but she can't just expect me to suddenly be loving back, can she? It makes me angry instead. Why couldn't she have been loving during my childhood, when I needed her?

Does this make any sense? Sorry, just feels good to write it down.

Oh yes does it make sense!! My therapist is trying to get me to get angry as she feels it would help me so much, my dh says he will worry if I don't, a friend has suggested he p*sses me off so I can have a go at him...

I should be madly angry with the teacher who abused me but I'm not. I wish I was as I'll be reporting him soon and I could do with some feelings of rage against him rather than shame about me. I can get mildly peed off with my parents for not protecting me from him and by not giving me the stable foundation I needed to tell them what was going on. But what little anger I feel goes inside.

The way I described it to my therapist is if I get angry it kind of sends out shockwaves that will push against other people and I can't do that. It has to stay with me so I can fix it.

So sorry, this is a post about having hte same problem not one about a sonution - hope you find one - pass it on x

But it is so good to share thoughts isn't it? I am grateful that you have shared your thoughts with me - I am not expecting someone to give me the answer, there won't be a quick fix - but just to talk about it, may give me ideas, but more importantly it feels better to realise that I am not the only one.

Therapist like anger don't they? I can't understand why. Surely that will only serve to make me feel worse? I was just getting around to finding a way of coping with my mum, ie. to visit her less, and deal with her at a superficial level. I was ok with that. And suddenly, she has moved the goal posts, and is being nice and in her words "wants her family back". Well, she can't just do this. And anyway, I can't trust her, she may well revert back to her old ways again at any time.

I am surprised by my reaction. My mum being nice has made me upset, and to think about the past, rather than be grateful to her kindness. But it's not real kindness is it? It is false. It has to be false because she hasn't been caring before.

I have felt well for the last three weeks, and it felt lovely. And then my mother does this. And I am back feeling insecure and upset etc. That's so disappointing.

I have seen the other thread about helping each other with abuse issues. I don't think I can contribute to that, I was not abused. But if I find solutions to internalising anger/grief/whatever, then I will gladly share.

I think anger can be good if it is directed at the person who has done something to us that justifies our anger. In my therapist's words 'you don't like yourself enough to be worth getting angry over' and that is the rub. It's not that in itself it is so great to be angry why don't we all do it more. It is that anger in this case is a normal response, and the self hate, lack of self esteem and shame I am feeling are not.

Another thing for me is that my personal beliefs make it necessary for me to forgive him (in my time, no pressure) - but I feel I can't do that until I've really felt the injustice he did to me.

If your mum has always ignored and neglected you you need to be angry with her and then move on with your life. And her sudden niceness is really making the feeling stronger, makes total sense to me.

You are more than welcome on the support thread. We don't categorise or define abuse- it's about your own experience

Hi twoisplenty

Good to see you back here again.

It mihgt come as a shock but being abused does not just mean sexual abuse or violence. You were abused because your mum did not take care of your needs. Ignoring/neglecting is abuse.

Please use the support thread. The issues you mention with your therapist are the same issues.

The type of abuse doens;t matter. Please post.

I am struggling with anger. I can;t feel anger with my mum or the abusers, but feel the anger in different places (with my DH, children etc.) I ran out of the house the other night and wanted to hurt myself.

We are on a very difficult journey, so let us help you.

ADQ

Thanks youwillsurvivethis. Forgiveness is so important to move on, but very very difficult to think about (for you I mean). It will take courage, but I guess once you can move towards that, then the feeling of power and being free would be wonderful. Because, let's face it, we are only damaging ourselves with the anger/self hate/shame. It doesn't affect the abuser one bit.

ADQ - still following your thread as a lurker! I take your point about abuse not being necessarily of a violent or sexual nature. I haven't ever thought of the word abuse being relevant to me. In fact the word "neglect" has only just surfaced in the last day or so in my mind. I think, because it was my childhood, I thought everyone's childhood was the same. Not so.

So thanks for the invite onto the other thread, I will have another look! And thank you so much for your care, it is so lovely of you to be so caring towards me.

As for wanting to run away, and harm yourself, yes unfortunately I know what you mean, I have been there too. It seems we do indeed have quite a bit in common. Such a shame that this counselling process is slow. We want to feel better, not worse!