Help. I need to cope. I have coped. But I am so not coping and I really need help or a kick or something that makes me get thorugh these days/ weeks/months...

[notevenamousie]

I am a single parent working full time and financially barely managing because of the sacrifices I have rightly made for my family but I am because I am supported by my lovely, wonderful, difficult, terminally ill mother...

DD got back from 2 nights with my XP and asked, "Mummy, I'm happy, are you Mummy??

I say yes. And smile. And tell her I am happy because she is just so great and I kiss her and breathe her in and smile if I can. And then I read her a story and provide milk and food and playtime.

I missed work today ( my 3yrly renewable cardiac arrest training - I know it, but I need the certificate).

For panic/ depression/ anxiety/ failing to cope/ and I also have a streaming cold with runny eyes, nose and sneezing, spluttering and coughing.

I wish she wasn't in full time nursery - that I wasn't working full time - that I could afford it - afford not to, that is - that I hadn't failed in every single way there is except getting through the day because that is the main goal I have had to set myself, since she was tiny. I wish I was worth a good man and father/stepfather/etc. I wish she had so so much better. I wish her father wasn't so stupid, so closed, and I also wonder if he is being abused.

I wish a lot of things. That my amazing girl had a better mummy. That I could promise that, if I lost her somehow, I wouldn't take my life... because if Daddy is truly better for her than me, then surely I would, and I could.

I hope I am well thought out and doing my best. The best for her. That dating and meeting someone new is not selfish. (He's amazing but I fear him seeing how things truly are for me).
I wonder if I am self pitying. That the I-am-a-single-mum-w-an-ignorant-ex-and -a-terminaly-ill-mum-who-is-my-main-support is just justification for being crap because I know, honestly I know, people have it worse, I don't live in fear and I have been through far less than many.

I am crying so much. So tired. So failing. I wish I had at least a clean and tidy house. I have been putting a brave face on for weeks or months and despite GP help and the drugs, I am getting nowhere. I hope talking will help. I really hope so.

That's one of the most wonderful and terribly sad things I've ever read on MN.

You know that you're a good mum because you care. You might not have all the time in the world to do everything that you really want to do (sod the house) but you are doing the best you can with what you have.

Your dd and your mum sound like they've got a really great mum and daughter and I'm so glad that it sounds like they appreciate you.

I don't know why you think you've failed, you sound like you're succeeding to me. You can't change your ex dh, I don't know what happened but I guess he's his own person with his own issues and you couldn't sort them out for him.

Yes, you do deserve another man in your life (if that's what you want) and it will happen and it will be OK.

I think there is something awful about the weeks or months after christmas when all the celebrations are over and there's nothing but dark nights and cold days to endure. They will pass and there will be a spring and you will feel better. Keep on hanging in there, things will really get better.

You are a wonderful mum because you care so much. There is so much pressure on us to be perfect mothers and happy all the time. Single parents do not get the respect they deserve and you deserve it for coping so well despite what is going on in your own life and thoughts. Big hug to you xxx

Thank you both for replying. Bosch, your very kind words made me cry. I need to be well. Need it. But all I want is to sleep. I was off work today. Have dr's appointment on Friday. I just don't know what to do or how to cope. There are no quick fixes, I know, but the hope of improvement of any kind, why can't I just have that?

You need to read what you wrote again and realise that you are a real success. How you are managing to do all these things is amazing. You do not need to feel bad about you child being in nursery because you are working for her. Going to nursery makes children confident and independant. I know it sounds cheesy but I really admire your courage. Maybe the drugs are not the right ones. Go back to your GP and tell them what you have just told us, because they might have some advice for you. Also ring your health visitor. I found mine gave me some really good practical advice. Maybe you need to have some specific counselling to do with the fear of losing your Mum. You will get through this as when you are at the bottom there is only one way to go! Up! Take care.

I don't understand why you think you are failing when you are getting through the day, every day? Sometimes that's all there can be, all that matters, I have a good life but because of my past, sometimes I do not manage to get through the day without self-medicating with whatever I can get my hands on. Luckily dh is here for me and dd. (I am not comparing prescribed ad's with my erm... fondness for pill popping!)

I think that you are doing amazingly well.