Need to talk to someone. Is there anyone out there?

[allothernamesinuse]

I seriously need some help. I don't even know where to begin tbh.

I am sitting in my house, on my own with my DD.

My DS is not speaking to me.

My house is a shithole mess.

My XP has been coming round the last few days to help me, but has now gone AWOL. I am worried about him, and where he is (I think he is homeless, but I am not sure), and my DD is slowly wrecking my house.

I have been stuck in for weeks now, and am just wandering from room to room, making tea and waiting for time to pass.

I am lonely, and worried and so low, but I can't ask anyone to come round because I am crying my eyes out, and can't bear to see anyone.

I am feeling useless, a terrible mother (and I am a terrible mother because I have shouted at my DD, who doesn't deserve it at all, and I am basically a miserable cow to be around.)

I truly truly wish right now I was not here.

If only someone would knock on my door, maybe help me to clear this shithole mess up, and chat, maybe I could get through this evening.

Oh please bed time, come quick. That will be another day over then.

Oh no, poor you! I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so low.
How old is your DD? And your DS, he's not there?
Is there any friend you could call upon who could come over? Or just someone you could call on the phone?
If not call the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90.

They are there for anyone in distress or need of someone.

DD is 20 months.

DS doesn't live with me anymore and we had an argument last week, and he has now effectively cut me off. I don't know how long that he will cut me off for.

I've just asked a friend if she can pop round this evening. She said she might be able to.

Thanks for the number for the Samaritans. I might just give them a call later when DD in bed.

Hey, I?m here if you want to chat some more.

Hi UnderneathTheStream

I don't really know what to say. I stay indoors so much, it was actually good when XP came over last few days. He tidied and we chatted and my lonliness went away for a while.

I don't have many friends. I don't set boundaries, then people walk all over me, then I start avoiding them.
This is why:

You wouldn't believe how many area's of my life I have been told I should change, by so called friends.

I should redecorate my lounge because of the colour scheme, change my curtains and fireplace, change my flooring from carpet to laminate, wear sexier clothes, give my DD a bottle in bed (even though she sleeps fine without), should enjoy decorating.

This is only in the last week. There is lots more, but that was last conversation with one friend in particular.

I can't sleep for worrying about my XP. Is he cold and hungry out there? (We had a row, and he left, not been able to contact him since. He told me yesterday when he was here he thought his phone had dropped out of his pocket at mine, but I haven't found it, and I am in a very poor signal area, but his phone rings and rings.)

I find myself wishing he would just knock on the door so I know he's ok, and we could have a cup of coffee together.

I am struggling tonight too and I too wish I had the... I don't know what, ability or energy or motivation or help or courage... to tidy my home and clean my kitchen. Small things loom so large, don't they?

I can keep listening. I think you need to go to your doctor's tomorrow (I am going to, so I know it's extremely hard) and I think for tonight you need to get you and dd through safely. Any tidying or whatever you do is a bonus. If dd is warm and fed and has a kiss goodnight, that is ok just now. Baby steps, ok?

I wouldn?t dream of telling my friends that sort of thing. They can?t be very good friends if they don?t like you how you are.

Can you contact any of your XP?s family or friends?

Re the house, if it?s that much of a problem maybe you could set yourself one task a day to do? Me: I had to do the washing today, then because I had done that, the washing up seemed manageable?

Thanks notevenamousie

I have a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye because of your kind words.

I always feel better when my house is tidy and my kitchen is fresh and clean. I so know how you feel.

Do you have DC/DP/DH with you notevenamousie?

I have no idea when DD will go to bed, she had a long sleep this afternoon while I was moping.

I haven't even had a wash or a bath today and my friend might be popping in.

Think I am going to go have a shower, and get dressed.

Underneaththestream I am going to shower and clean as much of the kitchen as I can. It's probably not as bad as I think it is.

I can't believe how much it is helping chatting on here.

None of XP's family can contact him either. He only has his mobile for contact. XP has no friends AFAIK.

He never has had friends, he can't seem to keep friends.

If he is anywhere, it will be with a g/f more likely than a friend. I don't think he has a g/f atm though, but I don't know.

He split with his last g/f a couple of weeks ago.

Maybe he is there, but I don't know her number and it seems wrong phoning her.

This is why XP is homeless, because he split with his g/f.

Maybe they have talked, and he is there. If I knew, that would be one less thing to worry about.

XP wanted to stay at mine until he got paid, I said no. We fell out.

He was sleeping in his car.

A shower always make things seem better.

Well at least he has a car to sleep in, although it?s going to be cold tonight. It?s nice that you care about him, but surely he is a grown-up able to make his own decisions?

? I bet my kitchen?s worse!

I would probably rather do your kitchen than mine. It's always easier to do someone else's than my own.

Lol ? we?ll swap then!

Sounds like a great idea.

We need a 3 way swap then, as I feel the same!!!

I could too clean someone else's which makes me feel bad but here I guess I am not alone.

allother to answer: it's just me and dd here though I have a lovely new man but not let/ letting him in enough to see me when I am bad or low. So seen him twice in two weeks now. I have my 3yo here but she was at nursery today so is worn out and sleeping now. I have not showered today, but managed teethcleaning and deodorant, I am hoping you will see these as my small victories!

I hope your friend is helpful.
I am hoping to sleep fairly soon. Can I CAT you - don't want to be unwelcome though. I hope you can be honest. Thinking of you.

notevenamousie I can relate to how you feel so much. Some days, it is just too much effort to even brush teeth. Teeth cleaning and deodorant is a victory I have not managed today. You are doing really well, AND you got your DD to nursery today.

A 3 way swap of cleaning sounds good.

This might sound sad, but some days, I pretend I am cleaning for someone else, you know, like a job, where I only have so many hrs to do, and they have asked me to do kitchen, bathroom, hoover and polish all over.

Think I might try that tomorrow.

My friend has made me feel a little better. She thinks XP is probably fine, and I'll hear from him within a week.

DD not in bed yet.

I'm a little reluctant to put her to bed until she is really really tired now, because she headbangs when going to sleep, and the walls are thin. It's not so bad when it's earlier in evening, but at this time, not so good.

I would love for you to CAT me. Maybe you could teach me how CAT works? I don't have it, and have never understood how to use it.

I am happy for you to add me on msn if that is allowed? Can we give out msn addresses on here?

Thinking of you too notevenamousie.

Hope we both have better happier days tomorrow. I'm taking DD to a toddler group tomorrow afternoon, so that at least will get me out of the house, and dampen my feelings of guilt at DD being indoors all day.

How long have you been seeing your P noteven?

Does he ask why you don't see him very often when you are down?

It says you can't receive another "contact anohter mumsnetter" (CAT) message - can you look in your profile?

I/we don't manage it every day so don't beat yourself up. Is dd still in a cot? Can she climb out? You both need winding down time - milk/ DVD/ food/ bed? Even if she slept this afternoon she is prob tired but denying it so if you put her to bed, she may protset awhile, but I imagine she'll sleep and YOU need the time.

My lovely new DP has been away with work - luckily- but wants me to explain how I feel and I am struggling there...

I hope you are a little brighter and if I don't catch you tonight because of DD or sleep, will catch you tomorrow.

I've looked in my profile, and have 'allowed' CAT now. Still not sure how it works, or even if by simply 'allowing' it will work lol.

DD is in a cotbed. Just put her down. She was exhausted poor thing, and so far, no headbanging. I think she may have gone straight to sleep.

Your DP sounds lovely, and like he truly cares about how you feel. Is there anything in particular that makes it harder to explain to him?

Does he work away alot?

I hope we both feel better tomorrow.