Im sitting here trying to find a reason not to (which doesn't mean im going to)

[imightaswellquit]

because right now i can't justify my existence

Ive namechanged, im a regular

Been depressed, was ok, been anxious, was OK ish.

Anyway, the upshot of it is - this morning work up and thought, well, i could just empty the medicine cupboard down my neck and be done with it.

Because no one needs me, not really - My DD1 has left home and i hardly see her. Tbh, im more of a burden to DP than anything else and my lovely adorable DD2 who is my reason for living, she doesn't want me - she wants her daddy. This morning DP had gone to work, she was upset, wouldnt let me comfort her told me she didnt want me and she didnt love me - shes 4.

I get involved in a bunfight on here the other day and the other person basically told me i was a basket case and well, she is probably right. She said Mnet was the wrong place for me because i wasn't strong enough.

Thing is, up until this weekend, i was OK but had a row with DP he called me names and i can't get past it - he has apologised, truly meant it but i want him to come home from work and he wont

I'm not going to do anything, i don't want to die but i just can't actually think of a reason for me to be alive - is that weird, do you guys sometimes question why you are here?

I do, when I am seriously depressed, go and see gp asap. If not immediately then phone the samaritans. sorry don't know the number, will googlre and get back.

08457 90 90 90.

Please click on the blue link above your post (mental help guide - includes samaritans))for info on lots of people to talk to. We all have bad days, and I know how upset I get when my newly 3 year old son so obviously prefers his father to me, especially when I feel a bit thin skinned.

oh thankyou diva, i dont really need to talk to anyone just now - would make it worse if you see what i mean. I really am not suicidal at all.

Best part is i am going to the doctors this week, i want to come off my medication.

This has really thrown me, those thoughts have come out of nowwhere and i can't shift them - its like, well, why are you here......i mean who would care, really at the end of the day.

DD1 wouldnt give a shit

DD2 is only four so she wouldn't even remember me, DP could move on and find someone with something about her, he deserves better.

But there you are - you just have to soldier on i suppose.

Just want to stop these unwanted thoughts as thats what they are.

Right - ignore me, ive just re read what i wrote - daft! Feel fine now. Well not fine, but i know how ridiculous it all is.

Am just upset that my little girl doesn't want me

Dh told me at the weekend that he thought I was mad as a box of frogs. He meant this as a positive thing (wierd I know). He wanted me to see that the world the way I see it at the moment is not the world the way it really is. So take being told you are a basket case in this way - you are not seeing the world the way it really is and need help (which you know).

I have also been through phases of both of my children saying that they prefer their father to me and I was devastated by it. But do you know what? It was a phase and it passed. You have to let it wash over you and just continue offering your unconditional love to your dd and without you even realising it is happening, she will stop saying that she prefers her father. In any event, she needs her mother.

Don't be upset that your DP won't come home - I doubt very much whether he really "gets" the way you feel and therefore won't see that you do actually need him to come home. I also find that on the odd occassion when dh does get it, it scares him and he would vastly prefer not to deal with it as he does not know what to do.

You need (and know you need) help from someone else. Go and get it.

I know the thoughts you mean, I have had them. It doesn't sound like you're ready to come off the medication just yet although I can understand you wanting to...

Have you been offered counselling along side the meds?

Really, really get why you are upset about what your dd said, but having been there, I can honestly, hand on heart say that whilst it is God awful, it will change.

had counselling, had meds for years, i have to come off them now - i cant go back into the black hole again, i just can't

Please don't.

A year ago on Sunday my beautiful wonderful sister sent her boyfriend a text that read "I wish I was important to someone"

Then she put a bag over her head and killed herself.

I cry for her every day. I miss her so much and I have to go through the rest of my life without her and it's so awful. She never met her nephew and my dd misses her but will forget her and it breaks my heart.

You are important to someone and they won't just get on without you. It's your illness making you think that and it's not true. You wil break their hearts and their lives will be less without you.

oh i am so very sorry malcom - sorry for your loss and sorry i posted. Totally wasn't what i was saying - just that these thoughts got into my head this morning and woudlnt go - of course, you are absolutely right - i am fine, really i am - just a blip = my meds up and down right now, clearly i am not ready to reduce or if i am, im doing it wrong - im so very sorry if my post upset yuo mrsmalcom Feel bad

You should maybe take these thoughts seriously. They maybe thoughts about things that you may never do but they could be a symtom of a deeper depression. Take care but maybe do mention these thoughts to your GP x

Lucyellensmum the point of MrsMalcolm posts is not I think that you upset her - she wants you to see how much you killing yourself would upset others.

I had weeks this summer when I felt that if i just disappeared my dh could find a lovely new wife and my ds would get a stepmummy who would do a far better job. I had fantasies of a high bridge over the motorway near us but whenever I thought of that I thought of my dh being told by police and staying behind with my then baby ds.

Only once did I actually start walking with the vague idea in my head but I came to my senses and texted a friend who came, picked me up and talked sense into me. It's not a good place and you need to take it seriously.

Fwiw I did not want to be dead, just felt I was a mess and in everyone's way.

I think this book might really help you - if you are into reading books - it gave me a real insight into my ruminations and recurring negative thoughts and has helped me put in place some really useful techniques to help when they come back - I find them returning far less often as a result also

worth a try if this is a regular occurence, good luck

mrsmalcolmtucker - that is so very very sad - I am sorry

thanks for your replies everyone. Just wanted to say that i am grateful. I am a bit as to how i was this am. DP and I had argued over the weekend, and i really lost the plot today - he said something very upsetting to me and i decided to play with it in my head, iyswim. I feel very angry with myself. I shit on DP today, poor sod, he didnt deserve it, he has apologised etc and i was a loon Also, as wst will know, i feel a bit of a fraud when there are peole with real problems and i was just wallowing in self pity.

Well no, thats not happening - and thats how i know im ok now - because i recognise what im doing. Tomorrow is another day - and thats good

Thanks again xx