not sure why I'm behaving like this - advice please

[sarah145]

I have 2 DCs. A 3 year old DD and 1 year old DS. My DS didn't sleep through til 8 months and just when I thought i'd start getting things back on track and stop feeling so knackered, my DD starts waking every night between 2 and 5 times. She just wants me to go in and give her a quick cuddle. I'm tired and nothing I do will stop her waking. Last night she woke 3 times before me and DH went to bed at 11.30. DH and I then get into a row because I said we should be more consistent about how we go in to her and should start leaving her 5 minutes. I told him that he shouldn't be getting into conversation with her etc. Its all a bit petty really but he said that everything he tries to do is wrong and nothing I have tried has worked. I shouted and then DD woke again so I stormed upstairs and screamed at her to go to sleep. Of course she was hysterical and I started crying too. Then DS woke and was sick everywhere and this arguing, crying, waking went on until 2am. This is not the first time I have shouted at DD for constantly waking up - I mean really shouted. She woke again at 4am.
This morning DH announces that he's taking DD to the cinema so I just felt so flat and went back to bed and cried. As he was getting her dressed I started getting really angry and as he was saying bye I just went off on one again screaming at him for leaving the kitchen in an mess for me to tidy and for leaving me today while he got to swan off with DD. I shouted as he was leaving and DD got upset and started crying for me. DH just left and said he wasn't doing this right now. I was so angry and tearful and then started throwing things and now I've cracked the ceramic hob.
Sometimes I just feel so fed up and upset and I can't even put my finger on why. I don't feel like this all the time but when I do I could just cry all day and get into a big rut of shouting at my DH (who is actually rally supportive and helpful) so that he just ends up hating me. I hate myself for the way DD must see me - its so unfair and confusing to her. I'm crying as I'm writing this. Just want to sort myself out.

To me it's pretty obvious why you feel like this. You're both knackered and need a break and a bit of couple time. You have two tiny children and it's very hard! This is normal!

Can you think of anyone who might be able to have the kids for a bit while you go off for a bit? Preferably someone who will clean the kitchen etc while you do that?

We never go out. The one time we did and my in laws babysat, DD woke and they kept her up for an hour and made things worse the next night. If ever we do go out then the in laws always have to stay over (cos they live an hour away) and when we come home they are waiting up and DH insists on having a drink, sitting and chatting with them.
I know I'm making excuses cos you are right. In 3 years we have been out on our own 3 times.

Could you afford a night nanny for a one-off night? Someone who will deal with the kids as you want them to and who you won't feel 'beholden' to as it's a professional service?

Then you and DH could get away for the night, have a good chat over dinner and a proper night's kip at a nice hotel? Sounds like you both need a break and a bit of a treat. Wise investment, I reckon.

Can I ask everyone - does it really seem that obvious to you all that this is the issue, and its not just me going crazy?

In the short term you need to take it in turns to get up in the night and settle the DCs - that means you will at least get some sleep (even if you sleep on the sofa so the noise doesnt disturb you).

Medium term - you need a consistent, agreed plan of action of what to do when they wake up. Agree an action between you and then try that for 7-10 days to see if it works. If it doesnt, try something else.

Long term - remember that like most problems, its a phase and they will grow out of it.

Do you do anything yourself without the kids? Even if its a walk, something out of the house - you need some space to think.

Re. the anger thing - I shouted at my DS yesterday, something I havent done for ages. Sometimes it helps to imagine someone else (doctor/social worker whatever) in the room with you when you are getting wound up. Try walking away. Try repetitive task to distract you (sounds ridiculous but something like having a jar of coins that you go to and count out whilst you calm down - and you dont return to the situation until you've counted them and calmed down).

Burbling a bit now - hope some of that helps.

Sarah - in summary I think the issues are.

Lack of sleep
Demanding job taking care of two kids
Conflict with DH not being resolved
No clear plan of action to deal with things
No life for yourself

99 out of 100 parents find themselves with the same issues at some point in time !

Sleep deprivation can make you behave outside your normal rational character, but you're not going crazy. I only have one 6mo DC and I've been known to chuck a few household objects around in my most knackered moments

when both DCs are asleep do you find you can sleep normally or do you have trouble dropping off?

Sorry one more thing. Try and concentrate on the not shouting thing, no matter what it takes (within reason of course).

I've felt in the past its a spiral, i shout, feel bad about my parenting, feel even lower, shout more... and so on and so on...

Once you can break that cycle it will not only be calmer for the DCs but will also give you confidence that you can deal with these situations, and stop you feeling bad about yourself too.

Yes. I could have written your post. I go CRAZY with tiredness.

Got some good drugs for anxiety fromt he doctor (past history too) and make sure I eat regularly.

Re the waking - dd has had a spate of those . SO annoying. We eventually got her out of it by bribery (took three nights for her to get out of habit) but I promised to paint a flower on her wall if she managed not to wake me up at night.

Now we just have to sort ds who sleeps through but was awake this morning at 4.45am and out of bed by 5.15...

You MUSt prioritise time for you and dh. I am saying this as I know we must too . dd is always a bit spoilt odd when she comes back from Nanna's too, but it's worth it for the lie-in...

good luck, you are not mad - just dealing with sleep deprivation and the relentless of small children. xxx

Thanks so much everyone. I do need to stop the shouting because I can see it spiraling exactly as you say Manky.
Thischarmingflan - I am a poor sleeper at the best of times but if I'm woken by one of the DCs that makes things much worse. I can get to sleep fine most of the time but at the moment do find myself lying awake waiting for DD to wake up.
Will try the bribary Adair. I know its just a phase and I think I need to accept that.
The common theme here is that everyone hasd spotted what I have blatently missed - DH and I need more time together. I failed to see that as being part of the issue.
The DCs are exactly 2 years apart and I love them to bits thats why I feel such a failure and a bad mother when I get like this. I am a bit of a martyr in that I never ever ask for help. I had mastitis a week ago (as still BF'ding DS) directly followed by a vomiting bug which the rest of the family then got. Not once did I ask for help. Stupid I guess but I'm just too proud and want people to think how well we are doing on our own but by doing so we end up like this.

It is so good to talk and get some great advice - thanks so much.

Sarah, really, you sound SO like me it's untrue (not telling you what my real first name is too ). If you want to CAT me,I'd be happy to talk x
best wishes x

i will admit to behaving like this several times, all for the same reasons.

try to have a frank chat with DH tonight, take responsibility for your behaviour but don't start beating yourself up about it. just try to do something about it.

try changing DD's bedtime routine and experiment with different things to make her feel more secure about being alone in bed/getting herself back to sleep herself.

maybe a special bedtime cuddle toy/a night light she can operate herself.

i find that DD settles well if we've had a really good story. we started a diary recently where she dictates and i write down what she says... anything that crops up, we can have a quick chat about.

try to stay on the same page with DH about night time routine so she's getting a consistent response from both of you.

you'll be fine x

Sarah - you've had great advice and I just wanted to add that my dd is also 3 and until very recently was waking just like yours, just because she wanted to see me several times every night. I was knackered and would also sometimes find myself shouting at her in the night and then feeling horrible.

We got her out of it, in the end, with bribery, as Adair says. I had a load of things (hair clips, stickers, cheapy things she liked) that we would give her in the morning as a 'prize' for good sleeping. She loved that and after a couple of nights managed to start sleeping through again - now we've switched to a star chart instead and so far so good...
Good luck with all of it.

FWIW my DS1 said to me the other day "Mum, I haven't had my morning shouting yet!"

We all do it. It's not ideal, but it's normal.