i have severe clinical depression and my 14yr old has left

[emzy]

hi, can anyone help,i have had alot of bad things happen in the past 5yrs,my father committed suicide,my grandparents who raised me both died,i had a 2yr court case and i lost my business and my home.So we came to spain to make a new start, but its all gone pear shaped,my daughter hated it here and at xmas refused to come home(it didnt help that she had been having problems with my partner)but it was spain she realy hated.She is staying with her dad ,who dosnt realy want her there,she is unhappy, wants me with her but refuses to come back,and insists i move back to the uk.Ilove my daughter more than anything and want to be with her.The trouble is i dont know how id cope,my depression is so bad i dont get out of bed,hardly ever wash and can barely utter a sentence,ive been on medication for 2 yrs but no better,we also have absolutely nothing in the uk ,i would have to leave everything behind and i have no family and only a couple of friends.I m scared i wont be able to work coz im such amess and will eventually end up on the streets.To make matters worse i recently went on a us parenting website where they told me i was a bad parent and to get off my lazy arse!I want my daughter back but im scared stiff also my partner refuses to return to yhe uk.please help i am desperate

i wish there was something i could do emzy,i'm sorry everything is so hard for you,do you talk to her often?what does she say?is she happy with her dad?

to why mummy,yes i speak to her every night,she is very unhappy at her dads,im also not happy shes there,i have a couple of friends who watch out for her or who she can call if she needs to.The other thing is at xmas when she didnt return i found out she had met a boy who she fell head over heels with,he seems to be the only thing she realy cares about in the uk,she told me the other night they had started sleeping together-omg.She also had problems with my partner sometimes they got on great other times he was always on at her for being so messy.one night it got so bad that when he was drunk he called her a c**t and i ended up punching him,i can never forgive him for that!If i had been in the uk with somewhere to have taken her i would have left straight away.Its wierd but she and him talk on email quite abit now i dont realy understand.She also doesnt like the idea of being poor i used to be very well off before losing everything and i gave her everything,i dont want her to go without but know it would be terribly hard on her .

emzy i'm sure all she wants is you,you can start afresh,nothing's impossible,your depression is making you see everything like a long dark tunnel but there is light at the other end,you need to find the strengh to get better and fight for the person you love the most,if dd has a boyfriend is no way she'll come back to you,you need to get better,get a job and save enough to be able to see her,easier said than done but you need to get better,don't throw yours and her life away,you can be happy again

towhymummy i guess your right everything seems so bleak and scary at the moment.can we talk tomorrow ,my partner is due home in a minute?

no problem emzy,you can always CAT me too if you like,i'll be around tomorrow
x

sorry whats CAT

sorry to go on and on but i just dont think i can go on.My stress levels are out of control.How on earth am i going to manage alone if i came back to the uk.I know this sounds stupid but i dont know how i could get a job,i can barely have a conversation and heres the stupid bit i only have 1 pair of jeans and 2 t shirts that fit me.since i have been on tranquilisers(couple of years)i have put on 5 stone!i used to be fairly attractive but now im a mess-who would employ me.sorry for being so pathetic but i feel absolutely crap and dont want this living hell to continue.

hi emzy,please don't say that,you have lots to live for,your dd needs you,you can make a change,you would get work,once you're ok you can loose the weight,you need to look forward to a future with dd,you can have all the things you had before,a lot of people start from nothing again,you would not be homeless in this country,they will give you accomodation and while you get benefits you'll be able to study or work part time till you're back on your feet,there is a way out believe me,you have to put all your energy in getting better.CAT means contact another talker wich is at the top of the page,you're more than welcome to contact me but if you're scared your dp will read your mail then we can talk on here.

thanks whymummy,sorry to keep crapping on,its the fear thats making everything so difficult,i cant explain the terror im in i just dont seem to be able to control it,as soon as i start to think right im coming back to get her then the panic sets in and i cant stop shaking.I know i sound like such a negative cow,how do i make the fear stop.Also the longer i leave it the guiltier i am feeling about my daughter,i cant tell you how much i love her,i know ive got to make the move otherwise im going to completely screw her up

you are not a negative cow,you're ill and you need help to get better and you will get better,make tomorrow the starting point,the first day of your new life,you have to have faith in yourself and believe that this horrible back cloud hanging over you can be shifted.

sorry i havnt asked you,but do you suffer with depression,if so why?and how do you cope

i have done emzy,i didn't take anything for it,i still have up and downs but i just try and stay positive as much as posible,it's not easy but when you realise that it is taking over your life and the life of the people you love you just try,your depression seems worse than mine because of everything that's happened to you,if you believe there's a whole new life waiting for you and dd you will try and get the help you need,you will be happy again,you have to believe that

thanks WM willtry to think more positively,but is very hard because the future looks so bleak,poverty,isolation and lonliness.Having said that i have no friends in spain and just spend all day in the house waiting for partner to return late at night.Spoke to dd last night ,she said i was the best mummy in the world and just needed a bit more time to come back-she is such a sweetheart and doesnt deserve this,i havnt stopped crying since i spoke to her.

oh emzy i'm so sorry,is there not an expat community where you are?you need to get out of the house even if is just for a little walk,sit and have a coffee somewhere,people will talk to you,do you have a hobby or something you enjoy doing?you can't just sit and wait for your partner all day,i know you don't feel like doing much when you're depressed but try doing something different every day just to get you out of the house

i cant go out we live miles from anywhere and my partner has the car.My daghter phoned just now in tears ,she is realy unwell and her dad has gone on holiday leaving his girlfriend to come and check on her!I realy must must DO something i am out of my mind with worry

emzy why don't you come over now that hes away?what else have you got in mind?i'm not surprised you and your dd felt isolated if you're far away from a town or city,is not good,will she consider coming over for a week?

sorry i havnt been on for a while,have had a very bad week-wanted to end it all but the thought of my daughter stopped me-oh god how is this all going to end!

emzy, seriously, get on a plane. the isolation is obviously not doing you any good either. do you have any family in the UK who could put you up for a while?

i agree, emzy, i think it's better for you to come back home and be with your daughter. she needs you.

no i have no family ihave noone thats why im so desperate

how are things going, emzy?