Feel like a fraud posting here again but I am Falling apart mentally.

[Paranoid1stTimer]

I have no good reasons to feel like this but once again I am falling apart at the seams.

I have been to GP who sent me to local mental health team. Since there are only 2 psychologists and one is of on long term sick, they really did seem snowed under and it was 3 free appts but I ended up having just 2 which were 2 months apart.

In the second appt I saw a different person from the first time and she just seemed to give me the kind of advice you would get talking to a sympathetic friend. The first appt got me started on self help and some CBT type ideas and basically forcing myself to go out and stuff. Then the second psychologist said I seemed to be doing great and I wouldnt need another appt unless I really really felt I needed it and that I could always phone them up again if I felt worse.

It took me yrs to get the courage to go to GP. I sometimes think I am just unable to cope with everyday life and a completely pathetic wet blanket.

There are people posting on here with real and serious issues and I am back again with my pathetic little whining. I really do need to share just now those cos I have no one to talk to in RL. Seriously no one cos I am so painfully shy and anxious that people really don't like me - and it is not just paranoia. They just want me to get out and live my life and stop draining them (not that I speak to anyone about this but it is pretty obvious everyone think I am a joke) How pathetic did THAT just sound??

Anyway, OH has just found out he is being made redundant. Again. This will be 4th time in last 3 yrs and he wants us to emigrate. He has his visa but we decided to hold off emigrating until we had some savings but the last year on its own has eaten most of our savings and our house price has plummited. Same as everyone else in the world I guess but that is back on my mind. I am terrified of heading to a new country to start again when I am so lost and down at the moment and I feel completely unable to talk to OH about this. He is extremely stressed too and touchy about everything so it is like walking on egg shells just now. This makes me feel even worse.

I can't concentrate on anything at the moment and feel so awful for my LO as I want to give him my full attention (he is in no danger - I just mean even when we are out at the park I hardly talk to any other parents and feel like my mind is on other things when I should be concentrating on having fun with LO).

The swine flu vaccine. I am terrified he will get SF and be ill or worse but then I am too terrified to get him vaccinated in case something bad happens to him because of it. Again - everyone is in the same boat on this but it seems to be causing me to have panic attacks and insomnia as well as nightmares. Don't know if it is just me over reacting or if I am going to have a breakdown.

I have no real friends in RL because of how I am and have been for the past few years. I was terribly bullied at late primary (because I was popular and a new girl wanted me out n her in and all my so called friends joined her in turning my "friends" against me) and bullied in High school cos I turned into a complete wall flower when puberty hit and blushed so bad I could hardly talk to anyone apart from a handful of close friends. It hasn't got any better. OH is quite controlling (obviously as I seem to attract this type of person as I am such a doormat) and I just feel like a complete loser just now.

I am putting all this out there again and I am being up front and honest. I don't even really know what I am writing this for again since I think this just sounds like pathetic attention seeking.

How do you get over this and get a life? Some days I love my OH so much and feel like he supports me. The next day I think "What have I done - he doesn't even care about me" and I look at other couples n think I am n the worst relationship and I want to leave but I know he would try and take DS away from me and he knows I have mental health issues and I know he would use this to his benefit.

Please help me> I am in such a mess today and have been, on and off for the past while. Tomorrow I might feel better and regret posting this but today I am crying while I type all this and know I will regret hitting create conversation in 2 seconds.

Please be kind - I know there are people out there really struggling and this just sounds pathetic but I am so alone I have nowhere else to turn.

You need to start by stopping putting yourself below others. Your problems are unique and there is no ranking with some people having problems that are 'deserving' and some that are not. What you are going through by now is obviously huge for you and that is enough.

You must feel let down by the psychiatrists and I doubt very much that this is what your GP had in mind when s/he referred you. i would suggest that you go back to your GP (Yes you can and s/he is paid quite a bit of money to listen to what you have to say so no need to feel you are wasting their time)and ask that a) they do a depression/anxity questionnaire with you and b) consider whether some SSRI anti-depressants may help you as you also seem very anxious and they can help with that and c) refer you for some plain good old counselling so you can start talking about how you are feeling and start addressing some of the 'thinking errors' you make, such as that 'everyone thinks you are a joke'.

It will require you to be honest though and to show what's going on inside.But it doesn't have to be this way.

Thank you willsurvivethis I have been on here a few times with my issues but it does help to get some perspective on things when I can't talk to people in RL about it so thanks.

You are right. I am going to have to go back and get this sorted out. I don't know if I was just so terrified about having to talk to someone about my feelings and then actually having to do something to try and get myself better has put me off.

I just want to be better. I also think there are things in my life that I know I need to confront that are causing problems and I am too scared of confrontation to do it so it is making me feel even more trapped and I am just withdrawing further into myself.

I actually never realised this until just now to be honest... I dont know what to do about that. I guess I will just have to go back and try and say I need more help - I find this hard to do as well since I am a complete sheep and do as I am told a lot of the time to keep the peace. I hate myself for it...

Paranoid, I have read your post and am nearly in tears for you, I just sympathise so much. I too have struggled with shyness and anxiety much of my life, and I had very severe PND which shattered all of my confidence. I wish I could give you a big old hug, because you really deserve one YES you deserve one.
Willsurvive is right - you do exhibit some classic "thinking errors" (yes I have done CBT too!). Just take a look at how you talk about yourself:

sometimes think I am just unable to cope
pathetic wet blanket
I am back again with my pathetic little whining
people really don't like me
everyone think I am a joke
I am such a doormat) and I just feel like a complete loser just now
just sounds like pathetic attention seeking

Do you ever say anything kind or understanding to yourself? Do you ever give yourself a bit of credit for all the things you have managed to achieve?

I know just where you're coming from as I was just like you, beating myself up about everything, telling myself I was bad and hopeless and that it was all my fault. I don't think like that now. It is very damaging, no wonder your self esteem is so low. You do really need help, but you also need some care and understanding. The good news is you can get better and stop doing yourself down like this.

I definitely think you should go back to the GP, but as a kick off for something you can do for yourself NOW, go to [[http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome Mood Gym]

It's free online CBT. I've done it and found it helpful. You should also probably see someone though.

I wish I could help you more. I would be your friend in RL you sound lovely x

sorry messed up the link
Mood Gym

Depression is such a cruel illness. It's a condition when you're so much in need of help, yet feel so unequipped to deal with it due to either lack of self-worth or feeling like a fraud or feeling so drained of energy that you feel physically incapable of leaving the house, let alone going to see your GP.

I've had such a struggle trying to get proper treatment for my depression - I feel like one of those police dogs, having to jump through all those hoops! On the other hand, I'm very fortunate in that I have family, friends and a loving partner to support me, but in my bleaker days, the last thing I wanted to do was burden my loved ones with problems that I couldn't see my way out of.

It's hard to get proactive when you're in the doldrums. However, even taking back a little control over your depression can be very empowering. The hardest thing to do is taking that first step.

Here are a few things that have helped me.

1. The samaritans. It's not just there for the suicidal (btw, wouldn't that be a terrible slogan?!) but just talking about it with someone who will listen - actually LISTEN and not judge - can help your mood. I found it was good to talk to a stranger, someone who is impartial.

1. Along with the Mood Gym mentioned by GetDownYouWillFall above, www.livinglifetothefull.com is a great site offering online CBT. It's broken down into different sections that you can do at your own pace.

1. The Mindful Way through Depression is a book that I've not long started to read. It's about being aware of your body's sensations and adopting the 'being' mode rather than 'doing'. I'm not explaining it very well! It comes with a CD of guided meditations which focus your attention on different parts of the body and your breathing. I feel fresher and more energised after doing it.

1. Get out in the fresh air. Even for 10 minutes a day, it will give you a little boost.

1. Be kinder to yourself. You're reacting to thoughts that are coming out of your depressed frame of mind, which in turn are making you feel worse. Try not to feed those negative thoughts. Easier said than done, I know, but through CBT you'll come to recognise the process your mind goes through when it comes across a negative thought, and you'll be able to challenge it.

Finally, just remember - it WILL get easier. You WILL get better and feel stronger in yourself.

HTH x

paranoid - had to type, am welling a little reading your thread.

I feel the same, exactly the same as you.

Please keep posting. It may help getting it all written down.

It's daily battle I know but life must get better

There has to be more to life! We have to work through and make a better life. Easy said than done I know.

i feel so much for you it is such a daily battle

I know it sounds a basic thin to say but how is your diet? try and up the fish oils, plenty fo fruit and veg also timed release multi vitamin b capsules excellent for nerves and anxiety general pick up, take care.