Not sure what I expect from posting this but I need to get things off my chest and I feel too low tonight to call on one of my wonderful rl friends. My dh needs to be alone when he is down and he seems to think still that I do too - he's upstairs on the computer and I can't bring myself to tell him I need him.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in April and had to cope with the quite sudden return of memories of severe childhood sexual abuse by a teacher over several years. This summer, while waiting for therapy and still sort of doing my job I felt really bad, had flashbacks, couldn't sleep, had to learn to deal with previously frozen feelings and emotions and until I actually learned to cry my moods were sometimes quite dangerous as I was literally sick with pain but nothing could get out. Now I still can't get angry, but have learned to express and feel a lot more.
With the unrelenting support of dh (where he could and where I let him) and friends, a good therapist and a break from work while my ds still goes to his childminder I have gotten a lot better.
But the last few days have been bad again.My closest friend correctly identified I am getting wound up about returning to my very stressful job in six weeks and has told me off lovingly but strongly for pushing myself too hard to get back out but there and be 'normal'. He's right, totally, and as a result of our conversation I have agreed with dh that I will resign if in six weeks work is still as stressful as it is now (it's chaos there).
In addition we are due to travel to our home country at the end of february, just before I am due to go back to work and I have resolved to talk to the police about pressing charges. I don't feel ready but fear that he may still be abusing children now and I cannot live with that. It may not be possible to avoid telling my dad about the abuse as we will stay with him and his wife and he will want to know where we are going when we go to the police station. I dread it. I struggle with the fact that my parents didn't notice, I'm afraid he won't believe me or alternatively that he will do something stupid to get this man.
It's all getting on top of me. I feel jittery, restless, down, unfocused (have cut my finger, left the hob on, dropped things), I sleep but wake up exhausted. Feel alone and helpless. Don't want to go back to the very black place where I spent a lot of time this summer.
If you're still reading you deserve a medal.