DP has confronted me over PND

[Findust]

I've been a total cow to him for the last few weeks and I'm ashamed of myself. It's not like me at all - he's a brilliant partner and father and I've been giving him so much grief, subjecting him to my awful mood swings and today he's told me that he thinks I might be depressed and I need help.

I'm gutted as I genuinely didn't see it even though I had a mild spell of depression about five years ago and was on Fluoxetine for six months. I really thought that I could spot PND a mile off. But somehow I've turned into a controlling, grouchy, miserable harpy and I just thought it was because I was a bit sleep deprived.. (DS is 6mo and rarely goes for more than 90 mins without waking - day or night)

I don't know what I really want from posting this but it is helping to share it anyway. I don't know what the next step is - Fluoxetine made me feel really neutral and cut-off last time and I don't want to spend these months of my DS's life that should be wonderful in a daze.

I don't know if I'm ready to see a GP, it feels like admitting that I've lost control.

I left it really badly with DP before he left for work - I totally got on the defensive and threw some insults his way and I know I've made him feel like shit. I don't seem to be able to admit out loud that I've got a problem as I'm scared of what sequence of events that might follow.

Thanks for reading.

bumping for you

I don't think it's as easy to spot in yourself as you think . Sometimes we need people to tell us how we really are behaving so well done your dp for having the courage to speak to you about it ( a lot wouldn't!).

I know it's difficult but perhaps you could see it in a different light.Going to the GP is like taking control of a situation that has actually been out of control for a while.

Also, don't forget that everyone struggles in the early days and it is tiring and exhausting. Perhaps your first step should be trying to get a bit more rest then seeing how you feel.

I'm not saying you are not depressed but if your ds's pattern means you get up every 90mins you are also very sleep deprived and more importantly are not completing many deep sleep stages. It is normal for a six month old to wake in the night but he should be able to go for about 3 hours on a full tummy. Can you speak to a supportive HV or try a careful bit of sleep training? No cry sleep solution, baby whisperer?

(I mean by getting a bit more help at home or something)

I think, as others have suggested, you should see you GP if he/she is friendly and approachable. I saw my GP when DTs were 18mo and I was suffering with a lack of sleep. She was surprisingly sympathetic and helpful - there are things you can do and it might give you control.

I know it didn't feel that way when you heard it, but you are lucky to have a DP who had the courage to tell you. Could you call him, apologise, thank him for noticing and ask him to mind baby while you visit GP? A supportive DP is a great start in dealing with PND. And you might feel better about him at least if you've been nice IYSWIM

Good luck. Really feel for you

fox - yep, DP is a diamond fella, it can't have been easy to confront me in my current unreasonable state.

madmouse - sleep deprivation is probably part of it, we've tried some sleep training which seemed to cause more stress than it solved (The BW is currently residing under the bush in the garden after I threw it out of the window ) We haven't tried the no-cry SS so I'll definitely look into that - thanks.

I think the lack of sleep really is a factor here... that's a pretty tough schedule to keep up. However, I suppose it doesn't matter if it is that or depression, the end result is the same and you should of course do something about it. Find a nice GP, maybe just some counselling could help?

On thing I wanted to say to you is I think you are really lucky that you have someone in your life who loves you enough to point this out to you. It is not a criticism of you in anyway. If it is depression, it is about chemistry not about your personality and I would suggest of you have experienced depression before you are more likey to be affected by it after a child. Do not worry about the medication thing either there are a huge amount of different meds available to you so if you go down that route explain to the Doc how they made you feel the last time and ask for something different.

Try to be good to your DP, he took a risk in being straight with you so try to see this as an act of love and care and ask him for his help in finding an answer.

Your DP sounds right, Findust (and very lovely), and I would go and ask for an assessment.

The sleep deprivation is probably a factor though. Any way you could hire a doula or night nurse to attend to the baby at night while you sleep with earplugs in your ears and train yourself to sleep again?

Does the baby have any allergies that might be causing the wakefulness? My 4th DC hardly ever slept, night or day and now (age 11) gets through her days thanks to loratidine for environmental allergies. She turned out to be allergic to dairy which was doing a number on her digestive system.

Do you think you can change your behaviour now that your dh has made you aware of it?

Or do you think it is more serious, and that you need help?

That's a really good question Earlybird - I need to change my behaviour what ever is causing it, as i can't keep on wearing DP down like this. I will absolutely apologise to him and ask for his help although the idea of admitting that I need help makes my chest feel tight IYKWIM.

Not sure about allergies mathanxiety.. he's not long been on solids so his digestive system is a bit out of whack. But there's always been something. Not sure I could relinquish control enough to let a night nurse in, I'd be up with them [wry smile..]

Is this your first child?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help - after all, your life has changed dramatically. Most of us have issues adjusting to how different everything is when a new baby arrives - it isn't all smooth sailing!

Much better to ask for help than to soldier on solo making yourself and everyone around you miserable.

Also, asking for help gives your dh (and possibly friends/family too) the chance to be helpful. People like to feel needed, and get alot of satisfaction out of feeling they're contributing/making a difference.

I think sleep deprivation is one of the worst things about parenthood (speaking as someone who had two poor sleepers followed by a good one but by then I couldn't sleep!). I think you should address this first before looking for a drug-based solution, not least because you'll feel better quicker if your symptoms are due to sleep deprivation.

Adult sleep cycles are longer than babies (1.5h versus 1 if I remember correctly). I worked out that I needed at least 3 full adult cycles to function, 4 to function reasonably. And that these were better in blocks of 3 hours minimum. If a baby wakes every 1.5 hours you are getting no full sleep cycles unless DS actually sleeps for that time and so do you. This means you don't get enough REM sleep which is supposed to be more important than food or water.

What about sharing night duties so that you each get a decent amount of sleep? There are lots of ways to do this - alternate nights, a week at a time. My DSis and her partner divided the night into 2 shifts 8-2 and 2-8 so that they each got 6 hours. She was bottle feeding but at 6 months your DS should be able to manage that long.

Sorry just read your last post - you also need to let go of your need to be needed iykwim. You will be a much better parent to your DS if you have some sleep and it may even be your need to be needed that is affecting his sleep. Have known several babies/young children who slept fine at grandparents and woke hourly for parents.

Finally, is there any chance you could be pregnant? Had a friend who was being pressurised by GP and HV to 'take something' for her 'PND' because they'd worked out how much sleep she was getting and 'she couldn't be tired'. Turned out she was pregnant!

Findust - well done on acknowledging that you have a problem. I really sympathise on the sleep deprivation, as DS was similar at 6mo and we ended up doing sleep training in desperation at 81/2mo after DH had been signed off work with exhaustion.

I can heartily recommend the services of a NightNanny if you can afford it. We used one when DS was around 9-13 weeks iirc. She was very respectful of our wishes.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble. I really related to your saying that you didn't want to miss these early months with your DS. I've felt exactly the same, but for me it was the sheer exhaustion and frustration from poor sleep that I've felt has stopped me from being able to relax and just enjoy him.

I hope you can get the help you need from your GP/HV.

Do you ever get an hour or two off? DH looks after DS while I go to an exercise class, and that has really been a helpful routine for me to get into.

there's some really good advice here, thanks everyone.

earlybird - yep, first child. I've never been a control freak before, quite the opposite - which is why DP's so confused as to where his laid-back girlfriend has gone.

secretskill that's interesting about how my letting go a bit might relax DS too. Makes sense. I'm sure DP would be up for some sharing of night duties but we're all in the same bedroom at the moment.

and pg again? [shudder] blardy 'ell... hope not.

DP's on his way home now so I'm steeling myself for The Chat. He's a good man, I am very lucky indeed.

How did things go? How are you feeling today? Don't respond if you don't want to, just letting you know you are thought of!

Hope it went well for you Findust. FWIW I thought you were sounding very self-aware and considered given what you are going through. I really hope you get all the help you need.

Thanks guys.

Yesterday was difficult but important. DP and I took DS out in the buggy for a long walk and talked it all through. I feel very lucky that he can see through my recent behaviour and stick by me and want to help. I've decided to make an appointment to see the GP but also he's made me realise that there are things that I can do myself to help my mind-state such as getting to an exercise class and eating more healthily. The surplus 3 stone in baby weight that I'm carrying is a big factor in why I don't like myself much and might be playing a part in why I've been so reclusive.

I feel a bit drained with it all today but I also feel more positive than I have in ages. Roll on spring, I think that things will get better with the sunshine.

Thanks again for listening.

Well done Findust - you are bound to feel drained after talking it all through.

It's really hard to lose weight when you're not getting a good solid sleep at night, and it does a number on your mood too. I hope your sleep will be included in the factors that can be improved by both your H and you (somebody needs to tell this to the baby ).

Just wanted to add another well done.

I have found that the weekly exercise class (pilates) has helped me in terms of having some "me" time and because it has helped to rebalance the new ways I've been repetitively using my muscles, so I feel physically loads better.

I found it helped me to eat healthier once DS started weaning, as we went down the BLW route and eat our main meal together at lunchtime. Means we both get something filling and nutritious. Still eat the chocolate though!

And are you trying to get out for a walk or something every day? That really helps me mentally.

Where abouts are you? Maybe one of us could meet you for a coffee?

Before you go for any exercise class like Pilates, make sure you don't have any separation of your abs.

Good point mathanxiety - I go to a studio and they checked that before I restarted after the baby. Meant I didn't have to do abdominal exercises for the first few months lol!