I am losing myself, please help me get ME back!

[needmygetupback]

I am pushing everyone away. I am a namechanger so please don't out me if you guess who I am. Regualar on MN now since 2004.

There are two major issues I need to deal with.

6 years ago I left a horrid abusive man, it wasn't the easiet thing to do but I did it.

I thought that would be the end but it seems not. It's now ruining my marriage with my new wonderful DH. How do I get over it? Sex is none existant (Well 2/3 times a month) and it is down to my self esteem.

The other major issue is miscarraiges - I have had 7 of them with the last one being recent, they are slowly tearing me apart and I have two wonderful miracle DC's. I suspect the MC's are also part of my issues with Sex.

On top of this i recently lost my jobn in shitty circumstances. I am pushing DH away. We are now at the cross roads and I know I need to get help.

I have contact the mc association after each mc and got no repsonse. I have searched and searched the inernet for local bereavement/loss coincillors near me and there is nothing.

What else can I do. I am so low right now. I have an appt with the doctor on the 21st.

I dont want to lose my husband

Oh NMGUB - no wonder you are feeling low. You have had an incredibly rough time, and of course your defences will be up. You are operating in survival mode, doing what is necessary to get through, and may not have the emotional energy to look after your dh too at the moment.

and for you that the mc association didn't get back to you at all.

However, you have done the right thing posting here, as a first step to moving things forward. Others will be along with wise advice soon, and with suggestions of where you can get extra help, but in the meantime, I didn't want to ignore your post.

Thinking of you.

Hey hun what a crappy situation to be in . No one should have to have 7 miscarriages and that alone is enough to feel as low as you do, quite apart from anything else.

You were very courageous leaving an abusive marriage - it is very hard. Did you have any support during/after that time? If you did not have the chance to process what happened I could imagine it is very hard for you to feel you can really trust/lean on your new dh and from experience (in a different context) I know if you fear the other person will turn against you or abandon you it is easier to push them away yourself. You can kid yourself it is less painful that way.

Well done making an appointment with the doctor - s/he can refer you to a counsellor attached to the practice or nearby.

Could you tell your dh that you feel you are pushing him away and that you are scared to lose him? Make sure he gets the chance to support you.

I had support from my family and DH (who was then a friend!)

I have spoken to DH today, we had a huge row last night and we have nboth admitted we are unhappy.

I have just let myself be taken over, i dont even wash my hair or brush it most mornings and its skanky - i just tie it up, i drop my DC off at school and spend all day in the house with my youngest not speaking to anyone or doing much other than the odd birst of housework.

My first step is to wash my hair though, I have my bath running now I need to get me back before I disappear completely. I feel like I've just lost the will to live if I'm honest and although the thoughts of harming myself havent come I am worried that I will get to that point.

the miscarraiges have consumed me. I have managed to track down a private councillor and have emailed to ask about an appointment. It's a step.

I'm just so sad and grumpy all the time