Getting it off my chest...

[hippyme]

I don't know how to feel...

I'm tired of fighting uphill these days, I keep feeling bad at bay and carry on doing my best all day everyday. I feel crap like I'm just sorry for myself and I have nothing to feel bad about - not really, I have a lovely 5 month old and a supportive OH. I spend the day lazing around - I can't even keep up with the washing as my get up and go has... well got up and gone!

I have been thinking about my dad recently who left when I was 13 (had come and gone on and off since I was 4) how can someone leave their kids and not think about how they are - or get in touch?

I have trouble sleeping even though I am tired and I have little help from my family - My mum came for 4 days when my baby girl was 8 weeks and that's it. My MIL comes down often and takes control of everything making me feel inadequate (i know only i can make me feel inadequate) My sister has an amazing ability to critisise naturally and even though she has two kiddies and should understand - she makes me feel like I should be doing more...

I leave the house maybe 3 times a week to get food in and can't be asked with other people I just don't have conversation in me anymore... like I say I have no get up and go anymore.

I don't know what to do - at the moment I'm in groundhog day and feel my daughter deserves more... I guess it's good to get this off my chest and write it down, sorry if it makes no sense or appears jumbled but I am sick of keeping up appearances. I don't know what I expect people to say either I feel past help!

Hi there - would you pop along to your GP - is he/she supportive? I think it can be quite common for a bit of PND to set in when the baby is a bit older, rather than when they're firstborn. It definitely happened to my sister that way. Can you talk to your HV? I go to a couple of baby group sessions locally where I am and they're a lifeline - are there any near you?

Poor you.

It does sound like you might have a level of PND. You don't need to feel sad to be depressed. Your comment about being "sick of keeping up appearances" sounds very like how I felt.

Do you have a supportive HV or could you make an appointment with your GP? There are lots of things that can be done to help, they don't all involve medication if you don't want it though a course of antidepressants can be very helpful.

Hope you feel better soon and start enjoying being a mum to your lovely daughter!

Having a five month old is hard work. They are more awake during the day, want to play, your attention, and still wake you at night. It is normal to be tired as mum of a five month old.

On top of that yes, becoming a mum can raise huge questions about your own childhood and how your parents behaved. it was the same for me although it took a year - until my ds's life settled down after a tumultuous start. You are asking yourself a realy valid question and I guess the answers are either not there or difficut to deal with. This will absorb a lot of mental and emotional energy. Some counselling can help you talk through these feelings and questions.

Nice theory that - that only you can make you feel inadequate - It may be true but I know some people who can make it virtually inevitable for me to end up feeling that way. This is a fragile time in your life - you are working out what it means to be a mum and your mum and sister should be sensitive to that and support you- that is not an unreasonable expectation from two experienced mothers.

Try to cut yourself some slack and don't expect too much - try to go to a mum and baby group or visit a childrens centre once a week to start with. I found the staff supportive and a life saver. You usually don't have to say anything, or just that you are 'finding things a bit tough', there's always a cuppa and other mums to chat to.

I can't work out whether you are depressed or just emotionally overwhelmed and tired. You are a better judge of that and there is of course always your doctor.

Keep posting to get things off your chest

Thanks for your comments, it's good to know that what I'm feeling isn't abnormal... whether it be just tired and overwhelmed/PND. I guess I just feel alone and I sometimes find myself thinking why did we do this! which is awful, it's not that I don't want my daughter!

I do have some mum friends who all seem to just be getting on with it and coping really well but I'm just stuck in groundhog day - time passing without me even realising! I just feel a bit scared of everything at the moment... We don't have much money at the moment so I also feel I can't do much as everyone I know wants to go out for lunch (keeping up appearances! I can't say I can't afford that!)

thanks for listening it feel good to just share how I'm feeling. I don't feel like I can talk to my HV/GP as I feel a bit dramatic and like I am making a mountain out of a molehill and I shouldn't feel like this as I have no reason to be upset.

You are not making a mountain out of a molehill so don't let that stop you talking to gp/hv. Your feelings are normal - but they thrive on you keeping them to yourself, it makes them grow. You do need a bit of support and you deserve it.