Feel like I am not really coping, where/how to ask for help?

[BertieBotts]

I left my emotionally abusive partner about 6 weeks ago and don't feel as though I am coping very well with DS (15mo) on my own. Everything seems really hard and as though there are obstacles in my way making everything difficult. Every time I try to do something it ends up seeming like a huge thing and TBH I just give up on it. The house is a shit tip and I can't seem to make myself do anything about it. I keep just going out to the children's centre every day and trying to avoid being here. But we have no clean plates, saucepans, cutlery etc and it's not fair for DS to crawl over everything all the time.

I think a big thing is that DS is not sleeping, I managed to improve this a lot by having a loose daytime routine and restricting him to one nap a day but I am not naturally routine minded and am finding it difficult to stick to it, which is affecting his sleep and making me feel tired and trapped with no time for myself, so I don't feel like enforcing the routine. He had two naps yesterday because I forgot that he'd already had one and let him sleep in the afternoon. And other things keep interrupting it like DS seeing his dad - though I have now arranged regular days for this to happen which should help.

Sorry to moan and sorry if you posted on my thread the other day as it must seem like I am saying the same things. I just don't know where to go or who or how to ask for help. I know this is stupid but I am worried they would take DS away if I admitted how bad things are. I am looking after him but the house is not that clean and he could get ill. Also I find myself sticking him in the playpen or in front of the TV a lot when I am at home and not really interacting with him much except to get frustrated when he won't sleep - between 7pm and midnight he is either screaming because he is tired or wrecking things if I let him play on the floor etc. So I know I need to get the routine working to sort his sleep out.

Oh bertie I think it is perfectly understandable how you are feeling just now. You have just come out of an abusive relationship and you need time to recover from such an awful experience. I remember when I was in this position over 40 years ago and I felt just as you describe and also had a little boy like you. I felt drained, low and wanted to sleep all the time and this went on for months and months. Eventually I started to pick up but it does take time.

Please be kind to yourself and don't expect too much - you are bound to be emotionally fragile and lack of sleep will be making things worse for you. You may be mildly depressed and if you think this is the case you could see the GP and maybe get some medication for a short time until you are feeling stronger.

No-one will take you child from you unless he is unsafe or being abused or neglected and from what you say this is not the case. I think you are right to say you need to try to get him into a routine with his sleep because this will give you more rest, which you desperately need at the moment, as this is restorative and will help you to become emotionally stronger. All of this will take time though and it is very early days.

What's wrong with going to the childrens centre - sounds like a good idea to me, especially if it helps you. Have you any RL support. Is there anyone at the CC who you can confide in and get some support for yourself.

Hang on in there and in time you will recover.

Sending you warm wishes

How can you possibly cope well 6 weeks after leaving an abusive partner while already coping with contact arrangements, getting used to being a single parent and coping with your own emotions? Slow down!!! if he was very controlling you will feel very lost right now and in a way this total lack of structure may well be a reaction.

You are doing what you can right now, things will settle down. And nothing you have said will have any social worker up in arms about your ds. You sound depressed and that makes it hard to interact with ds, but you take him out to the children's centre every day and that's a good place for you both to be. see if you feel you can trust one of the children's workers and have a chat about what's going on to get things off your chest or talk to a friend.

Try not to fall in the trap of thinking it is all a tip, I must sort it all out etc. Try to do one thing at a time. Resolve to do the washing up tomorrow. Just that, not clean the house as well. Small steps, little beginnings.

Thank you both. I had started writing a list of everything that is bothering me in the hope that having it all written down would help me think of solutions to some of it, but it has come to over 30 things already and is just echoing what is going on in my head really. I suppose though what you said about small steps, it is a start to have it written down and maybe I can solve one problem at a time.

I had been really against the idea of medication in the past but now am wondering whether it might help in the short term. I am just feeling very fuzzy at the moment - which I think is a combination of tiredness and having too much to think about - and am worried that ADs would make the "blank" feeling stronger. I don't know why.

Sorry NanaNina I did not answer your questions. Going to the CC is good because I do more things with DS and it gives a bit of structure. But it is feeling like a struggle to get there at the moment with the snow (hopefully will all melt tonight) and my shoes leak which puts me in a bad mood on the way home and then when I get home I see all the mess everywhere and start thinking about food and realise I will be making the same thing again because I have got no more food in yet.

My mum is very supportive and she said she would make sure I was ok and I had enough food in etc but she has her own life (she is also a single mum, my sister is still living at home. She is also self employed) and she has given me a lot of support already. I don't know anyone at the children's centre well enough yet to talk to properly. There was a nice lady at the one I used to go to where I lived before who helped me loads but I went back to the group she runs today and she was not there so I could not speak to her. It is not that far to go but costs me £4 on the bus (I don't drive). I might be able to speak to her on the phone.

I think going to see your GP is a good starting point.

Also try to have a nap whilst your DS is sleeping during the day. I always find things look less challenging if I've had a sleep. Your HV can arrange a "sleep clinic" to help your DS get into a routine.

On the practical side of things:-

Could you do an internet shop and have it delivered so you dont have to go to the supermarket?

Have you looked into Surestart. They have volunteers who will come to your home. While they arent there to do the housework, they could look after your ds while you do it or just to give you a break?

Have you seen the Flylady threads. They are really good and I think there is even a section on "babysteps" - how to get the house sorted gradually.

I left my violent ex-p when DS was tiny so really feel for you but I promise things will get better.

This is going to sound silly but what do I say to my GP? I suppose I feel like I don't have a "real" reason to go because I am not physically ill. I did speak to my old GP before I left but she didn't really touch on the anxiety issues I mentioned and just focused on my weight (I am underweight due to stress).

I spoke to a health visitor about DS' sleep and she said give it 8 weeks (this was 2 weeks ago) and see how he is then as he is probably unsettled from the move. I agree that he is unsettled but I don't think I can cope with another 6 weeks so I am doing the No Cry Sleep Solution - I think she meant that controlled crying etc would be a bad idea if he was unsettled which I agree with. I am happy with this way as I am doing something but gently, I just need to be more disciplined with myself in the day to stick to it, because in the daytime he is usually fine and I relax, but if I haven't stuck to the routine in the day then at night it really is stressful. He has gone down for a nap now which is great.

The original plan was to do internet shopping but I need to meal plan and everything first and it all seems to take forever - but if I just did it, it would at least be half done, so I should stop making excuses on that front.

I have done flylady before and might start doing it again. It seemed to help last time so maybe it will give me some focus.

I will look into surestart/homestart. Hopefully thinking of walking into town this afternoon to go to the bank and change my address so I can order some things online which I need. So I can pop into the children's centre as well and ask if they know about homestart.

Thanks for your suggestions

You just need to tell your GP what you told us. You are exhausted and anxious and dont feel you are coping very well atm. You need to tell him your circumstances (leaving your partner, moving, etc) so he can understand the pressure you are under and decide what advice to give from there.

If you dont think you can wait another 6 weeks for the sleep clinic then ask your HV to do it sooner. You are entitled to help so dont be afraid to ask for it.

I agree that you do need to get yourself motivated to do something that will change how you're feeling - even if it is just a small thing.

I guarantee you will feel more positive if you organise the shopping or tidy just one room as it will show you that you are moving forward.

Let us know how you get on with Homestart.

You are sounding more in control already Bertie which is good. It's a bit of tricky one with the GP but I think the main thing that could be helpful to you would be a referral to a counsellor (most surgeries have a counsellor attache to the practice). It seems to me that this would be best for you at this point in time to look at strategies for helping you cope with the aftermath of being in an abusive relationship and the way you have been affected by this.

Taking ADs might not be the right thing for you at the moment. The thing is most drs believe that depression is caused by alteration in brain chemistry and the ADs help regulate those changes. The thing is with you, what you are going through is normal in your circumstances and so there is unlikely to be any changes in brain chemistry and so ADs might not help. Bit like taking antibiotics when you don't have a bacterial infection. Don't under estimate how you are being affected by lack of sleep and this can make us feel physically ill at times.

Glad to hear you have a supportive mom. You might find a sympathetic person at the CC if you give it a go. Sometimes it looks as though everyone else is OK but this isn't the case - most people have their fair share of troubles - they just don't show on the outside! You could ask your HV if she knows of any other single mums who live nearby who you might be able to link up with, or surestart/honestart might be helpful.

You mentioned your shoes leaking - are you getting all the benefits to which you are entitled. You can always check this out at CAB.

One thing you need to congratulate yourself on is that you have done such a brilliant thing by getting out of an abusive relationship and you have done so much for your little boy by getting him out of such a situation. OK he is having sleep problems at the moment but this will pass - you have prevented him possibly having mental health problems in the future caused living in fear and tension. This is priceless. There are women posting on these threads who cannot/will not get out of abusive r/ships whose children are suffering immense emotional harm with possible long term consequences.

Things will get better Bertie - your little boy will settle, he will sleep better and so will you.........the sun will shine again and you will one day be much happier and contented.

Just take things one step at a time. If you feel like you are drowning in housework/responsibilty/no sleep then just set yourself one goal each day.

Can you ask your mum or your sister to have ds for a few hours while you go the shops or sort your kitchen out?

Once you start doing regular bits and bobs, a routine might establish itself and you can concentrate on yourself and your little boy.

Going to the CC is great but maybe just a couple of times a week instead of using it as an escape route out of the house?

Oh and pop into your local charity shops and see if you can get a pair of boots for this cold weather. Nothing worse than cold, wet feet.