Do you ever think 'I can't do it anymore'?

[MissM]

I would appreciate some advice/kind words/strength/hand-holding please. I honestly don't think I can go on being this person who is just getting through the days. If you met me in RL you'd have no idea, but inside I feel somehow half alive.

Shit stuff: my brother died a year ago and I can't make any sense of it. We moved just before he died and I'm still finding living here strange and not quite right. I can't seem to make the connections with my friends and family that I used to. My job is stressful and demanding but I don't have the capacity or interest to care about it any more. There are many things about my relationship with DH that I know we should deal with but with two small children we're either too tired or too strung out or just can't be bothered.

Good stuff: I have two amazing children who truly bring me so much happiness. I have a home, a job, warm radiators and a loving family. I have good friends. I have, on the face of it all, a very good and successful life.

I feel like I do everything I need to do to get through the days but I get no pleasure or joy from it (other than from my children). I feel like the person I was before my brother died has died too. I feel like I could be someone so much better than this, but what's the point. I feel like I could just sit down and never move again, or at least not for a very very long time. I feel like this is going to be me until I'm 80.

MissM. i too get similar feelings. i was diagnosed with postnatal depression.Im not saying you have that too, but mayb eyou should go to your doctor? he/she could help. you have had a tough time of it. i cannot imagine how it feels to lose a sibling. must be horrendous. you sound like you havent grieved properly. and probs with DH will not be helping. I have also just recently moved away from family (granted not very far..about 40 miles), and i cant drive so i see them not nearly as much as i need.i am finding it hard to meet people, and show them the real me. perhaps a weekend with your family would do you good? without kids and DH. just you and ur family.
yes on the face of it you do have a good successful life....but that dosent mean anything when it comes to your mental health and how your feeling inside.
please dont feel alone. feel free to contact me if you need a chat. xxx

It must be such a shock to have lost your brother - you have only barely started grieving for him. It will take time.

It is telling that you make a list of good stuff including working radiators...things that pale into insignificance against the pain you are feeling. You are one of those - copers. It is time to drop the mask and show some people how bad you really feel. Allow someone to hold you while you just feel bad and let it out.

I have ptsd (although now finally receding) caused by suddenly resurfacing memories of sexual abuse and when I finally dropped my mask and some friends got to see the inside of me they were shocked and rallied round. I needed to accept support and I needed to feel bad and allow people to comfort me. Maybe you do too?

Thank you both. I am on ADs - have been for about 18 months as I was diagnosed with mild PND after DS was born 2 years ago (my brother was ill at the time, it had been a difficult pregnancy emotionally). Madmouse I hear what you're saying - part of me would love to drop the mask and let my real feelings show, but I just feel that I can't do that cos my children need me to be strong and there as they're so young. I have howled with DH from time to time but he's a bit of a strong silent type, tends to sit there quietly and not say much until I stop, which is ok in some respects but I feel like I need more cos it's just so impossible to express my feelings about my brother's illness and death.

I am very similar to madmouse with regards to coping with past sexual abuse that I have blocked out for years. And like you MissM have had pnd although ds1 is now 3.
Exactly like you I seem to have a fab life and everyone says how happy I look and how well I cope with 5 kids but inside I am screaming

MissM, can you contact a bereavement organisation ot possibly be referred by your Gp?

I am now seeing a really good therapist on the nhs (it was a bit of a wait) and its helping so much.

MissM I am a mum too - my ds is nearly two - and he has noticed me not being well but my illness was starting to affect my relationship with him and the cure was to get help and support.

However young it is not a bad thing for your kids to learn that it is good to cry when you are sad. You can tell your kids that you feel very sad because you miss your brother. They do intuitively understand and accept and will in their own way try to comfort you. When my dh was mourning his mum and was upset ds , then 16 months, kept touching his face and making cooing sounds. Kids are not crazy, they see very clearly.

My dh has understandably struggled with what I have been going through and has not always been able to respond in the way I needed (not his fault!) - but I've been very blessed with friends, one in particular who just kept asking, and talking, and listening and hugging.

All I can say is you won't fall to pieces when you drop the mask - it will help you keep together.

I keep thinking I should contact a bereavement organisation but I just haven't had the strength or energy to do it yet. My GP was dreadful, didn't make eye contact and just mumbled into her prescription pad. My old GP was lovely and I miss him - could have done with him now. I'd just managed to get counselling on the NHS, waited ages and then we moved so everything has been knocked back by that. It's so hard when you move isn't it - you know no-one and know you need to meet people, but my brother died and I just didn't want to have to explain everything to people I'd just met - thought they might run a mile!

I feel almost like you guys have a reason for finding it hard to cope as you've had to deal and come to terms with something so horrendous happening to you. I've had nothing dreadful happen to me, until now. My brother's death is so huge I just can't make any sense of it and it feels as though it's destroying me some days.

A death in the family is reason enough for feeling the way you do...... Don't belittle your feelings they are genuine and need to be acknowledged

If your gp was crap try tp see a different one, will your dh go with you? Sometimes we feel so weak and don't say the things that need to be said.

MissM you cannot compare bad things - but in my book the loss of your brother ranks pretty high in hte extremely awful stakes!!

I'd love my DH to go with me Magnolia, but it would mean getting childcare at an awkward time iyswim. I keep thinking I must see the GP but just haven't got round to booking an appointment - my experience has really put me off!

If only I had time to think it all through and work it all out in my head but I just don't.