Feeling like I need to talk

[IFishWife]

Am a regular of 3 years on MN and have used this name once before on a thread that was driving me crackers, but I kind of feel like I'm about to go under. The name feels suitably manic.

I can't bring myself to type out my whole sorry tale, but I am very worried about money, my home, my out of work DH who everyone things was made redundant but was actually sacked. I work FT and I keep the family from going under...am starting to feel "at what cost to me". Just tried to help DD with her homework as DH wasn't getting through. As I approached them DH just turned and stared out of the window with his back to me until I walked away.

Wanted to walk out of the front door in my slipper in the snow, shut the door and just never go back.

I feel sick with sadness. I have a pain in my stomach from holding in all the tears and the tension for so long. I feel if I cried I would never stop and never be able to pick myself back up off the floor. Like everything will fall apart.

you sound utterly exhausted

is there anyone/anywhere in real life you could escape to for a while?

Probably not much help but understand exactly where you are.

There is obviously a lot of stress mounted up from all directions.

Could you go out for an hour or two and leave the children with DH?

Are you the one left to hold everything together or does he do stuff to help if you are working.

I've been there many times - don;t want to go out because it'll all be there when I get back, but it's important to have some time to yourself.

I think today is just a day I can't ignore it. It's cold, icy, my sister is all wrapped up understandably with a new born baby who has been ill for weeks and a toddler. My mum is helping them out as her DH also on brink of redundancy. Dad died quite recently.

Don't feel like talking to friends. None of them know that DH was sacked and I can't tell them. I want to protect his pride.

I could go out but I'm not sure that's for the best because I actually just want to be somewhere I can cry without feeling guilty the children will see me.

He does stuff to help. He does everything round the house. He's a good man. This must be hard for him too.

He's made the kids their lunch. We were going to try and do something today but it's all money and we didn't make a decision in time. Now the day is half gone and DS will need to nap soon.

I'm not good on these quiet grey days. Not enough to distract.

Thanks Ruby. He does pull his weight.

Deep down I am ashamed he was sacked, and it's because I think he managed to get a job he probably wasn't up to doing. He is brilliantly talented, but he is not a leader. This was a leadership job. I think his confidence is on the floor. He's been applying for ridiculously junior jobs - just enough to cover child care costs.

I feel like I'll be keeping us afloat financially for the rest of our lives.

I know things will turn around - they have to. He has to get a job at some point, he's intelligent and qualified...but this chasm between us. My success (big career wise) his failure.

The calendar idea is good. Got to get organised.

Thanks, and sorry to disappear. Groceries had to be bought.

We just had a fish and chip picnic on the living room floor.

Feeling a bit better.

Ruby and everyone else, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me today.

It has been a dismal day but it ending better than it started.

Work tomorrow. Putting my chin up and chest out.

Hi Ruby,

At work today. Things seem better as I'm busy. Night times are tough as I get stress stomach worrying about money money money but I'm trying to focus on all the good things I have.

Healthy lovely kids, lovely DH and a nice home.

Things could be worse. I think I have a lot to be thankful for really.

How are you today?

My DH was alledgedly sacked for gross misconduct, it's very complicated, he is taking them to an employment tribunal. This was in August and it's been really hard, no £ since July as they did not pay him, he has signed on but what they give just covers bills, no £ for food or extras like clothes etc.

I am a little pissed off with him and his behavior about the job thing, not that he did anything, guilty of being to laid back and nice if anything, I'm as hard as nails and take no one at face value, whereas he was totally clueless. I want to say 'I told you so' but that would finish him off.

He's found it very hard, he has been actively looking for stuff really well and there are a few things bubbling away.

My sleep has been crap too, gripped by anxiety several times a night, some nights.

I went to a friends funeral on Monday, she was only 39 and it's my Grandma's funeral on tomorrow.

So I just feel like hibernating at the moment.

Don't me to butt in your thread, just wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel.

One day at a time.