I can't stop thinking that she could have died

[duchesse]

I'm putting this here because I dont anyone who's pregnant at the moment to see it.

Fourth baby was born 4 months after a 6 year wait. I was so elated that I've only just started to consider and dwell a little bit if truth be told about the fact that she very nearly didn't make.

Throughout the pregnancy I was convinced that something wasn't right and refused to get attached to the baby because deep down I didn't believe I'd be taking a live baby home with me.

Turned out (after she was born) that she very nearly didn't make it as her cord was so tangled that she physically couldn't reach the exit.

And after a hairy beginning, emergency c section that saved her life, NICU that saved her life again, she's here and she's lovely and I want to leave behind the worry, but I find I can't. She's healthy and happy, but I just look at her and think "what if" all the time. I've got to start living more in the present with her but to be honest I still haven't felt that punch in the stomach of love for her that I felt with the others much sooner. I know she's gorgeous, but I can't feel it iyswim.

What to do?

it's normal to feel like this - let's start with that. A normal response to an abnormal situation. I have been in a not dissimilar situation as my son started fitting and stopped breathing at 12 hours and NICU saved his life and he's escaped with far milder disabilities than it looked like (he's brain damaged - something happened before his birth. i still now nearly two years on have the fear that he isn't 'mine to keep' - he is angelical and cute and has a smile that touches hearts and somehow that just strengthens the feeling that I will lose him. I hasn't to add that some of this is re-enforced by my own abusive childhood - no need to go into that now - but i so recognise your response. and anyone who says cheer up she DID make it doesn't have a clue really.

I think it is helpful to get some counselling - via your GP or health visitor. Don't underestimate the trauma you went through and don't feel you 'should' be ok now.

Also consider having a meeting with a doctor or mw at the hospital to go through your notes. I had it with my obs, who was ace.

i think you need a chat with your HV or GP or any medical person who was close to you during the pregnancy like the MW if you got on with them. Some to support you and guide you onto the right track.

It could be a touch of baby blues hanging around you. You were emotionally distant in the pregnancy waiting for bad things to happenn which happened so you feel validated. But now as you say it's time to move on and forwards. There are experts to talk through problematic births with - so ask the GP/HV about that..

The punch of love will happen but when you least expect it and it might not be a punch - just a sneaky up one when you one day turn around and realise it's all there. But if you are feeling down - it won't happen.

Don't give yourself a hard time. It will click together... but have a chat with the medical people

madmouse, that's exactly it! (your son looks gorgeous by the way). I feel as though she's someone else's and they'll come to take her away any minute.

Thank you both for your kind words.

I went through similar and, like madmouse, my ds has some special needs now.

He is 5 now and I was feeling fine about it, when he fell and fractured his skull and suffered 2 extradural bleeds (in Dec) he recieved very poor treatment at the first 2 A&Es we were sent to - eventually being blue lighted to Kings 13-14 hours post impact.

Again I am stuck in the 'what if' loop along with the 'so unfair' one - not for me but for him, it took him so much effort to learn to speak and walk (neither of which he did brilliantly) and then he had to/is having to relearn those skills all over again.

Seeing your post has helped me realise I probably need to speak to someone too. I hope you can find some peace soon.

blackcat, how awful for you and your poor DS. Have you made a complaint about the terrible treatment you received at the first two A&Es? Did they not discover that he had a fractured skull? If not, why not?

ah duchesse I think it does all hit you afterwards. You cannot really process it at the time. Think its as though you're suspended / on autopilot which is a pretty universal coping mechanism of traumatic situations. Also lots of adrenalin at the time. Naturally when that subsides you are going to reflect as you are(my dd had lots of nicu dramas, and loads of stuff subsequently due to genetic disorders)

Also, I think aside from the whole trauma / drama at birth - the finally having baby after ftc hits you in rather strange ways. I remember you from the hut - for me due to being carrier of genetic disorder I have v high chance of mc etc. I felt some of what you describe after ds was born. Perhaps because I built up some kind of brick wall before / during the pg - I was still somewhat numb / desinsitised afterwards. I dunno. Don't be hard on yrself. Yr feelings are normal and valid. Agree talking about them - maybe counselling - would be a good thing

I had similar feelings with Ds2, his entrance wasn't quite a bad, he was born with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck, and was blue not breathing etc. Very scary for us at the time.
When he was roused, and weighed he was huge, my previous 2 had been little black haired olive skinned rather beautiful babies.

Ds2 was 10lb 10oz, gingery hair, pale skin, looked like he'd done a few rounds!

I felt like I loved him, but it wasn't that overwhelming feeling that I had with the others.

When I came home, it was 2-3 days later, I was rocking his pram, looked in, and just got this smack in the chest feeling of absolute adoration for this huge vulnerable baby boy!
It was then that the feeling that something awful was going to happen started.
I kept thinking of terrible senarios, that he would die, or get seriously sick, just because I loved him so so much, more than it was possible to love anything or anyone!

If I'm totaly honest, at the time I felt I loved him more than I had the others at that age

I spoke to my mum about it, and some close friends, I was going to see the doctor, but over time the feelings eased.
Maybe it was the "blues" or because of the way I felt when he was born, I was over compensating subconciously or something?

Maybe it would be an idea to speak to someone about the birth, it sounds like it was very traumatic for you, I'm sure that "punch" will come soon, you need to let yourself know that she is here, yoou do deserve her, and try and believe that she isn't going anywhere!

I hope you find the help, and can get on with enjoying your LO. x

At the first A&E despite the fact he was KO at impact, vomiting regularly, unable to sit, talk etc the A&E reg did not even touch his head. I had to ask a nurse to get him and ask him to examine ds properly. He said DS's skull could not be fractured as DS - barely conscious - was not wincing.

I asked him what the two symmetrical jelly lumps (not feel like normal impact 'eggs' iyswim) on his skull where - where you would have ears if you were a teddy bear. He claimed they were 2 points of impact, first from girl he bumped into and second from floor - as a lay person what are the chances of those being symmetrical?

Was then transferred to a hosp that has a paeds unit and ct scanner (because I made such a fuss, ds has a rare arterial disorder of the brain where his vessles are all tangled and can bleed). They were too busy to examine DS, despite my repeated requests, as there was a sick child and they were busy. Then it was handover time so they couldn't see him.

I stood, at busy handover time, at the nurses station and demanded to be seen.

Eventually I was, the look of fear on Paed Reg face was scary. We were immediately put in the observation bed opposite nurses and he confirmed that the jelly lumps were infact blood. Ds went on to have 3 massive fits.

Eventually had a CT scan 4 hours after getting there and was transferred by blue light to Kings at 2am.

During all this my DH was in Chicago, with the airport snowbound.

The Paed Regs parting words to me? I do not think the delay in assessing your DS has led to this deteriation in his condition. Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that buddy.

I have now completely hijacked your thread, I am so sorry. I think all the snow must be getting to me!

I hope that some more helpful folk than me come along and post on your thread.

He doesn't want you suing his trust. He knows your son was badly let down by his hospital. I think the very least you should be receiving from them is a sincere apology and an overhaul of their systems. I feel sad and angry for you and your little boy.

Re overhaul of systems, one of the reasons that I was so anxious was that the local papers had just published the inquest into death of 10yr old boy from a missed massive brain bleed at the same trust.

I don't know if it helps at all, but I have had that thing where I've looked at ds2 and thought 'this is not mine to keep'

It might be part of the intense love, it can bring fear that you will lose them because somehow loving someone so much is dangerous.

I don't know. He didn't have a bad birth either and I also didn't bond with him until after he was born - couldn't bear him inside me. But then the love just hit afterwards.

I hope you can find a way to get resolution for these feelings which must be so upsetting.

why not have a debrief and go through notes.be prepared for it being a painful but it can fill in the what ifs with a narrative account.understandably a traumatic set of events may have blunted your affect.consider gp referral for counselling too.acknowledge the difficult birth and its impact upon you. esp as you had intuitive feeling something was wrong

after an emergency section and fetal distress i too had lots of what ifs and mix of relief and anger.it is complicated.but one can gradually make some peace with events

hope you can get some support

I agree that a debrief may help.

And the key thing to hold onto is that this is perfectly normal when you've had a near miss.

My dd2 was very prem, very tiny, csection and in NICU for 4 weeks. This followed a totally normal natural first birth, and I felt a range of emotions, including that I'd somehow let myself down, that if I'd managed it first time without problems, then why did it go wrong this time? etc It was very difficult to feel completely relaxed and able to go with the flow when she was small. One thing that probably helped in my case was that I had a toddler already, and then went on to have ds afterwards (another natural vaginal birth) which kind of laid some of the ghosts to rest.

I know your situation is different, but I wonder whether you're partly dwelling on things because you have (if I recall rightly) a very big age gap, this must feel like starting all over again? You perhaps have more time to be thinking these thoughts, and analysing it? And also, I think if I were to go back and have another baby a long time after my others, I would probably be more anxious and nervous anyway?

But do hold onto the fact that it's a normal reaction to a stressful birth.

Oh duchesse.

I feel for you, it isn't a nice place to be.

If it is any comfort at all, which I don't particulary think it will be but here goes anyway - I had births that had no real trauma to speak of. There were complications and grey areas of dd1's but nothing major major like there can be. I understand all the things that happened and see that they were managed and got through. I still to this day look at my kids and wonder if they are really mine, are they going to stay, what if fate/God/chance decided they want them back.

I think it is a fairly common emotion, to do with gratitude and fear of loss. It is entirely understandable when you look at it.

I'd certainly think about debriefing, as understanding a major life even, be it positive, negative, traumatic or blissfull, can only be a good thing.

I think there is a good case for every woman to recieve a sort of resume of what happened in their birthing. The time line and the decisions that were made, what we were doing and how we looked. Just a brief summary for us to use and marry up with our memories.