dp had a nervous breakdown

[kissingfrogs]

My dp had a nervous breakdown 6 months ago. I managed to get him to visit the doctors who diagnosed depression & gave antidepressants. It got to the point where we discussed voluntary section as he was so frightened of what was happening and could not control his negative feelings (some of which were about me). I called samaratans/Sane, he got an urgent referal to psychiatry. Throughout this I felt terrible anxiety and overwhelming grief & my legs kept giving way - I was so stressed, upset & shocked. I'd missed all the red flags - the moods, the erratic behaviour, jackyll & hyde, but I never thought it would lead to this. I desperately wanted to support him - provided he sought help as I didn't want to go through any of this again (the last several years being the run-up to this). I was also afraid of him, not that he was ever violent, but because he could not control his negative thoughts and I didn't know how far he would go. I was also afraid he would kill himself as his father had done so years before.
He stopped taking the anti-ds after a few weeks & didn't go to psychiatry. Instead he said he was better now...and carried on as if nothing had happened.
I'm left feeling nothing. He says I have to "let it go" and move on. I can not. I still see the erratic side to him, the swinging moods, the angry man, and it feels like the calm before the storm. I don't like him anymore, I have emotionaly switched off to protect myself. I'm still scared that he will loose control, I'm tired of having to talk him down when he gets p!ssed off. I feel I don't know him.
He says I must support him as he is in recovery. I know I should, but i want to run away.
Am I a totally heartless? I don't want to desert him but I want peace and safety for me & our children. He's a good daddy, but as a partner I feel I'm living with the unknown.

oh i feel for you. my ex husband was the same,but the violence started,and it all got too much.
its horrendous,i know,but i wish you well with this

Oh dear - sorry you are going through this.

But how is he in recovery? He has stopped and blocked all the help he needs. And it sound like he needs psychiatric help very urgently.

You are not heartless. The situation feels very unsafe. Unless you can say to him I will support you if you do xyz to help yourself and therewith me and the kids there is little you can do at the moment for him. He is trying to bully you into joining him in pretending he is ok. He confuses that - deliberately or not- with supporting him.

I understand your fears as I have a dh who is now finally accepting help in whatever form offered but threw some scary curveballs leaving me scared what he would do to himself. In his case it took my illness (ptsd) to make him realise he could not support me in the state I was in. Now we try to support each other.

think it is perfectly right to put yourself and the children first, as someone who has had a few serious episodes (bipolar) it's a lot to expect someone else to cope with

if he has the insight to know he is 'in recovery' then it is probably fair to expect him to keep his psychiatric appointments and to discuss being off medication with his team

have you spoken to a counsellor to process what happened? and maybe attend some kind of joint sessions eg with a psychologist?

not sure if you saying he is still being erratic and angry or if this is just what you fear he might be? (waiting for the storm again...)

could you ask to speak to the team who dealt with him?

you have to "to talk him down when he gets p!ssed off." what does he get p!ssed off about? what does talking him down involve? ie how much are you having to do here?

depends also how he was before this - eg if was complete personality change or ??

i urge you to go see a counsellor. it helped me see clearly after my (now ex)P's major "breakdown". you have the right to speak about what happened with someone and see how to move forward...

He gets p!ssed off at a look, a word, wrapping xmas presents, brushing past him in the kitchen, you name it - it depends on his mood which can change abruptly. When he's like that he translates as being against him. He reads bad into everything. I have to tread carefully. Before his breakdown he got really bad. He's less like that since his breakdown, he just gets in the car & goes for a drive as he says he now recognises his trigger points. I can see when his mood switches, and he doesn't always recognise it himself. It's literally like jackyll/hyde. Talking him down involves reassuring him that everything is ok, that his relationship & family are real, that people are not doing things behind his back etc. He says he relies a lot on me to keep him in reality .
He firmly believes that psychiatry is not for him, he admits he has a big problem but believes he's seen the light and can work on himself. We can not afford counselling, and I'd doubt he'd go. There is no "team", just the doctor and no-one can force him to go.
Maybe he will sort himself out, I don't know, but the whole thing scares me as I do not understand what he is going through, never having been there myself.
I'm pretty lost on this one - torn between supporting him and wanting to run away

I bet you feel torn. But what you describe in terms of him getting p*ssed off at you brushing past him in the kitchen is abuse and domestic violence, the fact that he has a reason for it doesn't change the effect his behaviour has iyswim.

This will not sort itself out and he cannot say psychiatry is not for him - it is simply the strand of medicine that deals with his problem. He may think counselling/talking therapy is not for him - that's another matter although not necessarily true. I repeat what I said yesterday - he is trying to force you into helping him pretend he's ok. He's not - and you are not safe. Don't play along with him. Keep saying no you are not ok and you are not getting better, I want to help you but you need a psychiatrist.

Once he gets there there will be a team btw, a psychiatrist, possibly a psychologist and probably a community psychiatric nurse.

If he keeps up the pretence you may have to leave at least for now to protect yourself and the kids.

Agree with madmouse - wise words. Your H is bullying/pulling you into his "frame of reference" i.e that he is essentially OK - maybe just stressed and "in recovery" This is nonsense and I think you know that. I also wonder if his depression is tipping over into some kind of psychotic episode (thinking disorder) as opposed to the mood disorder of depression/anxiety. I also wonder from what you say whether he is a touch paranoid and if so this is worrying as this can produce bizarre behaviour as you know. I am not surprised you are afraid of him as people who behave in this unpredictable way ARE scary. But you need to listen to your fear and take steps to protect yourself and your children, sooner rather than later.

I think your H is finding it just too difficult to accept that he has a mental illness and this isn't so surprising as there is still so much stigma attached to mental ill health. He may believe that if he takes anti-ds and sees a psychiatrist he is a "nutter" and sadly this is the view of many unenlightened people.

He clearly has some kind of mental health problem and needs to get back to the GP and back on medication and a referral to a psychiatrist for a proper assessment. You need to take control (because he won't - indeed it's a symptom of his illness that he thinks he is OK)and insist he gets to the GP - you wouldn't stand by while he battled with pneumonia and you can't stand by now. BUT you can't drag him or make him go, so if he won't then I think you have to leave until he is ready to get the help he desperately needs.

Do you have any RL support out there. If not , then contact Women's Aid. It will be tough but while ever you are living in your present situation you are not helping your H, yourself and most importantly your children.

DON'T collude with him any more - he is ILL and needs help - NOW - not next week or next month. Do hope you can find the emotional strength to get you through this.

"He says he relies a lot on me to keep him in reality " that puts the burden on you and you need to set boundaries - you need to be clear that you cannot do this.

he needs to be speaking to GP to get referred on - he clearly still has issues and it is unfair to expect you to treat them/ deal with them alone.

please go to the GP yourself and explain the impact on you.

in family therapy my exP contantly stted that i should be supporting/caring/watching out etc -the therapist kept saying to him : "this is YOUR depression, this is YOUR responsibility"

while there is room to support a partner with a meantl illness you have to be clear where the limits lie...and if he refusing help for himself and refusing to see GP again or see a psychiatrist - then that should lead to an ultimatum from you....

counselling for you, speaking to SANE or MIND could help you with seeing how to move on to a position where you are not walking on eggshells

Thankyou for all your messages. When I write things down that's when I realise how difficult this situation is for me to deal with, and that it's real rather than me making a fuss over nothing. On a day to day basis i carry on, going through the motions, head as equally in the sand as dp's, pretending everything is normal when it clearly is not. I realise I've been doing this a long time because I find it so hard to really believe that this is happening to dp. It's so hard to accept that this can happen to someone you love and that you can't make it better. I've made contingency plans: I can not move just now (£ + work) but have decided I'll move back to home (where family are) this year. Without dp. I should tell him, and will, but I know it'll cause a terrible storm so I'm putting it off until nearer the time when at least if it all goes pearshaped I won't have long before I can go. Until then I'll carry on, keeping the peace, keeping an eye on dp. I've given up trying to get him help, he won't believe he needs it until he breaks down again.