Giving birth in 2 weeks, here i go again...

[totalmisfit]

This is going to be one confused and rambling rant- thought i'd better warn you in advance.

i'm 38 weeks with dc 2 and i feel i'm losing my marbles again. i spent this morning being a nasty, vindictive bully to dd (nearly 4). I don't quite know where it came from - one minute we were on schedule to catch the bus and everything was going ok, and the next i was trying to wrestle a satsuma out of her hand and replace it with an apple (telling her i didn't have time to peel a satsuma and deal with the juice going everywhere on route to nursery). She managed to bang her hand really hard on the radiator during this tussle and only then did my anger turn partially to sympathy.

Once i'd made sure nothing was broken she started screaming about something else and i'm ashamed to say i started mock screaming back, mimicking her ( a cruel and nasty thing to do, i know) as well as yelling at her like a demon to go and get her boots on.

Needless to say, i'm ashamed of my actions. I feel i'm a hopeless mother, damaging my daughter's self confidence and probably turning her into the kind of introverted, depressive type that i am in the long run.

I had PND pretty badly after she was born ( i was quite unhinged for a while) and i just know it's happening all over again. I can't control my emotions.

Christmas was awful; my grandfather died, quite suddenly on christmas day, whilst we were staying with my family. I'm glad i had a chance to see him on christmas eve, and i at least said a few things i needed to say, and i know he was at least aware he had a second great-grandchild on the way. We sort of tried to carry on as normal for dd's sake, although none of us made much pretence of festive cheer, which was for the best. I won't be able to attend his funeral, as it's practically on my due date and 150 miles from where i live; i'm struggling with guilt about this as well as guilt about the row i had with my parents the day before we were due to leave (which resulted in my insisting that dh, dd and i drive home a day early). I just felt i couldn't cope with being around extended family any longer; that it had been over a week since my grandad's death and i hadn't had a moment to myself to grieve for him. I know i put a lot of noses out of joint as there was a big family 'do' which we were supposed to be going to that day, but i just couldn't face being around certain materialistic and bitchy relatives and having them snipe about my being a SAHM/ my weight and the size of my bump/ whether my maternity clothes were fashionable enough/ you name it, esp as i had so much else on my mind.

I felt i had to go home and get the house ready as i'm supposed to be having a home birth (yeah right, not if the mw's round here have anything to do with it) and needed to be in my own environment, not sleeping in someone else's bed and tiptoeing around on eggshells. My parents very nearly wouldn't let me leave, we parted on bad terms (just when i need them the most) and they generally made me feel very guilty about it.

The homebirth is yet another thing that's making me feel terrible; i've had midwives saying all manner of unhelpful things, implying that i won't get my homebirth in a month of sundays. I wrote a letter to the head of midwifery (basically just a template i cut and pasted from homebirth.org) in order to complain, and to basically say 'look, i gave you 8 months notice that i
was having this baby at home, so you need to make sure you've prepared for staff shortages by hiring all the bank/independent mws you'll need' in as many words. about 80% of the letter was just the template, and i expected it was the kind of thing she'd received a hundred times before, but when i saw my mw a week later, she basically made me feel i'd been a very naughty girl and that the head of midwifery felt i'd attacked her personally! I mean, wtf? i felt like saying it's a bog standard letter from the biggest homebirth website in the uk ffs! and she's supposed to be a powerful professional in charge of midwifery for the whole county, whats' she doing taking it personally anway? diddums.

So now i feel i've alienated every single mw in the area, including the top dog, and so i'm probably even less likely to get any co-operation from them.

I feel like all these things are setting me up for a horrid time post-birth. i just want to cry because i know i'm treating dd abysmally, and barely being civil to anyone.

gosh, what a cry for help, Misfit.
Are you feeling any better for having written it?
Look, in retrospect maybe you could have handled the MW-Homebirth thing more tactfully, but I'm not here to get on your case.
We all go a bit loopy in pregnancy.

If the worst parenting thing you ever do is scream at your child about a satsuma the child will have gotten off pretty lightly. I actually warn mine I'm about to go Postal and later I progress to a count-down to 'Mother Loses Her Rag Bigtime' moment. At least it makes it easier for us to all laugh about it later. It's not like DC don't do stupid things in their tantrums, too.

Is there anyone you can talk to IRL about even a sliver of all you're feeling and dealing with?

about the letter (I think I may remember your thread)
I assume the letter was courteous and professional, in which case the head of midwifery is being a drama queen. I'll tell her that if you like - I'm not having any more babies!

DD will be ok, one outburst isn't going to do her any damage. Explain to her that you lost your temper and that you're sorry. Everybody does it from time to time, it's fine for her to see that you're human and a useful opportunity to learn how to make amends when you lose your rag.

As for the rest, that all sounds horrendous. I would have left early too, aside from needing the space from the grief and the family politics, just having a baby coming imminently would be enough for me to want to hibernate.

I agree you need to talk to someone in RL. Can you talk your GP or are any of the MW you've seen approachable? As you have a history of PND they should be listening to you NOW and trying to help you find the best way thrugh.

Don't assume you've alienated all the MW by the way. Just because the head MW reacted badly doesn't mean all her staff agree with her. Amongst my (desperately understaffed) community midwives, about half were completely behind my homebirth and half thought I was a selfish pain in the arse. Try to forget about the MW opinion of your homebirth, they can imply all they like about it- it is your right to have your baby at home and they will have to find a way to cope. Just be calm and insistent then forget about them and concetrate on preparing yourself.

I remember feeling the madness coming on when I had PND. I was scared and felt out of control. I didn't ask for help soon enough- maybe if you talk to someone sooner rather than later you'll feel a bit more in control of the situation.

And so sorry for your sad loss. I hope the arrival of your little one helps lessen the sting- and maybe reminds your family that you need support too.

I know that letter - and if HoMW can't cope with that she's in the wrong profession. And I assume she knows how blardy hormonal we are by default when heavily pregnant...

thanks for all your responses.

brokenarm - yes thanks it's amazing what just writing things down and getting them out there can do in terms of how you feel. I also had a really long chat with my lovely doula about all the mw stuff and that really helped. How do you think i could have handled the MW thing more tactfully, just for future reference?! Good idea about the warning by the way, i think i'll try that next time (sadly there's always a next time, isn't there?)

stealthpolarbear- thanks for remembering, yep was very courteous and professional, although i did think the ending was a bit harsh myself, something like 'if anything untoward should happen due to your failure to provide adequate staffing, my family will hold you responsible' but that's the letter template, not me (although in retrospect i could have cut that bit out, but i presumed anyone in her job would have already recieved hundreds of identical letters all cut and pasted from the biggest homebirth site in the country, so i didn't expect it to faze her).

hairymelons -
thanks for your kind words, i'm trying to work up a way to approach someone regarding PND. I suppose the reason i put it off so far was that i didn't want to tempt fate by treating it as a real possibility (the old head in the sand technique) however, the more days i get like yesterday, the more i realise i have to speak to someone. It's all the stigma and shame that go with it that makes it so hard; last time, i was terrified someone would take dd away...

my GP is beyond useless, i'm starting to mistrust my midwife as she was quite disparaging of my birth plan (birth pool, natural 3rd stage, yada yada) and my hiring a doula, but there must be someone i suppose.

If GP is shite, change. I have a lovely one now after 2 years with a total muppet.
There are amazing HCP out there, it's a shame it's so hit and miss sometimes.
Hope you find someone you can talk to soon.

You asked about being more tactful....
I guess if it were me (and I have had HB in your area, so I guess I have relevant experience!) I'd not write a formal letter at all. I wouldn't be kicking up a stink about my rights. I'd just talk positively about HB with MW at every contact and brush aside any suggestion that they might not be able to come out. And when the time came I'd just be sitting tight and saying sweetly "Of course I'll be seeing you soon" when I phoned the hospital.

See, writing the letter makes it all so confrontational, like you're telling them how to do their job, like you're itching for a fight. There's not much mileage in getting their backs up.

I guess I see a homebirth as a teamwork project. So it's not merely about them providing a service, it's about us all working together. In a team you have to give a bit sometimes, and not just get what you want. Maybe it's different because for me, because it wasn't inconceivable to go to hospital, if they were stupidly short-staffed -- anyway, I wouldn't be happy having a MW attend me who felt very stressed about leaving her colleagues back in the ward too much in the lurch.