bulimia pretty bad at mo, not sure what to do

[nextyearwillbebetter]

I have had bulimia since I was 12, I am now 30, it has varied in its severity over the years. When I was 25 I finally decided to go and admit it and get some help from the doctors, I was referred and saw a specialist a few times. Unfortunately I was about to move from the area. He did of course refer me but I said I didnt need it as I was feeling much better and was not making myself sick at the time. Unfortunately it has crept back at me. The main problem with me is that I am quite overweight and no matter what I do since I ahd my last baby the weight wont come off. I exercise like crazy and restrict myself to 1,250 calories a day and yet I remain the same. I feel at the moment like I am at an all time low. I broke down to my partner yesterday and admitted how bad Id got. E.g: Yesterday I was literally binging and then vomitting nearly all day (bloody Christmas chocolate everywhere)
I just dont know how to deal with it anymore. I had thought I had it under control but right now I have no control. Im shit scared of going to the doctors as I feel like a bloody idiot. I keep telling myself I can deal with it but clearly I am not. I keep getting ill at the moment, this is my 3rd cold in a month and Im getting tonsillitis, i have had the worst cold sore ever, my lips are drying up, my face is swollen and my skin is dry, my teeth are breaking off and I have just been told I need 4 removing. I know I need to face facts but I am so scared. If any of my friends or family or clients knew I was like this they would think I was such a loser which Im not, you wouldnt know anything was wrong if you met me. Thats part of the shame of it is knowing that people would laugh about me because despite having bulimia I am not thin at all. What should I do because Im lost right now. My partner is lovely and kind but I know he doesnt know what to do either and I feel so guilty putting this upon him.

I understand - used to be badly bulimic. First thins first - can you take some vitamins to try and get some goodness in. You sound really run down. You need to go to the Dr and get some help for this. Have you ever spoken to b-eat?

Yes I am run down I know, I have been taking a vitamin for the past 4 days. I have never heard of b-eat.

I dont think I would die would I ? Im not emaciated, just feeling run down and a bit crappy.

It is possible to die from bulimia. The constant puking messes up the electrolytes (sp) in your blood and this can cause heart problems and kidney failure, also the act of throwing up means you can rupture your esophogus. These are the issues I can think of off the top of my head. It is serious and you do need help. You know that.

But you have to want the help.

The thing is that I know that when you go to the doctors its like opening a massive can of worms. Firstly, doctors arent particularly helpful or sympathetic about this kind of thing. You work yourself up that they will cart you off in a van but they dont, you just get referred which can take months, and then the whole process is so slow. At one point I was quite good and could reason with myself that just because I had relapsed once it was a one off but now I know that this is no one off. Does anyone have any self help ideas. Going to therapy is just so long winded and hard, I cant be dealing with it....I dont have time for it!

I didnt know that giraffes, well I sort of did but i thought it was only if you were really thin. Thats reall scared me actually because I have had what I call a 'juddy heart' since I had my son (he is now 2) Every night before I fall asleep my heart judders and I shake from the neck up. I also am constantly cold and have a permanent feeling of something being in my throat. At one point my doctor thought I might have an underactive thyroid because I had all the symptoms including goitre in my throat but my bloods came back and they were fine. Ive had real bad feeling in my back the last few days as well like Ive been kicked in the bottom of my back, just feel so shitty.
My children are definately my priority I dont want to die. It was nearly impossible to tell my parner, I had to drink a whole bottle of wine to pluck up the courage...how the fuck do I say the words to my doctor.

Try not to panic. Many of the symptoms you describe are also commonly attributed to anxiety - which is often linked to bulimia.

'Missed' heartbeats or 'palpitations' are very common in anxiety, as is the feeling of something being stuck in your throat. A classic symptom, actually. As are aches and pains all over the body. Plus, if you've been sick a lot you might be dehydrated.

I'm not saying that your bulimia isn't having any ill effects on your body (I couldn't possibly say one way or the other). I just don't want to add to your problems by raising your anxiety further.

Regarding self-help - have you trawled the internet and bookshops?

Are you in the house more than usual at the moment? Can you force yourself to go out for longer periods so you can't binge?

thank you dear prudence x
i havent trawled the internet for self help tbh I have been feeling too poorly. Its true I am in the house more than usual, I do seem to thrive off being busy as it occupies me so I cant binge, unfortunately as is often the case, I HAD been very busy and now have stopped and rested and am getting iller and iller and have no energy to go out.

Is it really possible to have anxiety for 2 years? In every other way I have been quite happy, the shaking thing has been happening since I was pregnant and is worse when I cant swallow properly....

right going to bed but will check back tomorrow, would love more input, please...pretty desperate.

b-eat give them a phone, they are fantastic.

It is possible to have anxiety for much longer than two years..believe me I know.

From one troubled eater to another - stop kidding yourself, forget self help you need more than that. Stop using the silly excuse that counselling is too hard and you have no time for it. It isn't true. If you had a heart condition and you had to make time for daily excercise you would find the time.

I'm wondering whether you don't find yourself worth the effort and the trouble because you don't like yourself very much.

Do you know what made you start bulimia? Unless you know your triggers and possible the history behind it it will be hard to control and heal your eating. All the more reason for counselling.

Oh...and the reason you are not skinny is that throwing up, as taking laxatives, is a very inefficient way to get rid of calories. it just doesn't work.

This sounds a bit harsh doesn't it....
all of it....
But if i think of all the years it took me to have the scales fall off my eyes and then realise how much damage I had done to myself and how much worry I had caused my beloved dh...

Wihing you all the best x