I feel bullied and constantly think of running away

[vannah]

Dont know where to begin, its such a very long story and I dont quite know how to summarise and get to the point.

I often feel as though I am victimised / bullied by women that I know and that I am close to. I can only give examples to highlight my story : my sister and I have shared an intensely close relationship, but not since the past 10 years. She would always call me 'fat' (Im a 12)/ 'thick', when i went through a painful divorce 7 years ago, she told me to 'snap out of it' / 'aren't you over it yet?' this is 2 months after my divorce. She told me I was a burden on everyone. This year my 18 month old DD had a horrific burns accident, yet 6 months after the accident her flippant comment was 'Youre not still going on about that are you? Hasnt it been a year now?' - I tend to my daughter's burns all day, and am not 'over it' yet...

An aunt I called yesterday to wish a happy christmas to was unbelievably rude over something so trivial (during this traumatic period of my dd's accident and our house move, Ive forgotten to send her my new address) , when she barked at me I replied that Ive been through a lot lately and Im sorry Ive forgot. She shouted back that I should pull my socks up and get over it.

My mother in law hates me and feels Im the most evil daughter in law in the world (my crimes include 'not calling her often enough', allowing my friend to hold my baby at an event where she should have been the only person holding him (???) and other such trivial madness. She has verbally ripped me apart to hundreds of people she knows including my husbands close friends which is particularly degrading.

I am meek, quiet and unassertive with these women because they are older than me and I try to respect..I recently lost it with my mother in law having contained it for so many years.

My mother and I have an up and down relationship, though I understand her ongoing animosity towards me - I was a difficult child. I cry easily and am very sensitive.

I pick up on changes in attitudes towards me in seconds and feel very hurt when someone is being cold towards me. I honestly feel as though Im not doing anything wrong but am an easy target.
I want to be left alone, desperately. I love my children and dream of hiding from the world with them in some remote chalet somewhere. DH and I have had a trying marriage, mostly because I am loathed by his mother and his sister and he is very close to his family. He would quote other reasons for our marriage not working. It is however, on the mend, we are making it work. But I do just want to cut myself off and be left alone.

I just dont know how to do it or where to turn to? I try to minimise my contact with all of these people but as they are mostly family its not so easy.
does anyone have any thoughts please?
thankyou for reading this

Sorry that you are going through a difficult time. I must say that these comments do sound unreasonable - especially the one from your aunt. It does sound as though there is a bit of theme with your family relationships. You can't change your family, you can only change your approach to them.

I wonder would counselling help you? It might help you to deal with your relationships better and help you to handle difficult situations?

I think maybe you should listen to these 'other reasons' your husband says are the ccause of your marital strain. You should always listen to your partner unless he is abusive

You need to grow a shell. I don't mean tolerate the comments, I mean to tell people to shut the fuck up and do not DARE speak to you like that again. I don't think you are particularly over sensitive (and I used to think I was a difficult, oversensitive child, because my mother used this as an excuse for being a spiteful bitch), I think you know a lot of twats. Either cut yourself off from the twats "No MIL I don't want to ring you because you're always rude to me. I would rather call other people." "No Sister, I don't want to talk to you, you're a self obsessed oaf, good bye now"

Or tune them out.

You won't change them and you won't change your basic personality.

Your comment about your mum and you being able to understand her 'animosity' towards you because you were a difficult child that cried easily sets massive alarm bells ringing as does the fact that she is the only woman you defend, despite her animosity and also your comment that you can feel changes in other people's moods in seconds. The latter is a common effect of abuse - any type of abuse mostly by a caregiver or someone with authority over you (I have it too - strongly, too strongly ).

I would encourage you to have some counselling to help you take an honest look at your mother's behaviour towards you, and how it shaped you. Because a child cannot be blamed for the attitude of the parent against it - that's the parent's responsibility.

sending a big hug to you, you have my sympathy. what a horrible situation to be in.

i would agree that counselling may be a good idea. help you recognise bullying and help you be more assertive

many thanks for the replies,
I would love to be able to tell them all to leave me alone but its finding the courage to do that. I do tend to avoid calling my sister..
but I have to see my mother in law every week. I posted on mumsnet some months ago about her in detail, and was advised to just keep away from her, go upstairs when she comes. Which I do - every saturday when she arrives I say hello and go upstairs. But just doing that makes my stomach heave, and just hearing her cackle through our thin walls makes me unbelievably anxious.

I have to mainly find a way to deal with her - as she maintains her rights to see her grandchildren every week. (I dont speak to her at all anymore since she accused me of my daughters burns accident saying it was my fault - not her son's carelessness - for I wasnt AT HOME.

I desperately want to find a way of cutting her out of my life for good more than any of the other 'bullies' - it just seems so hopeless.
Counselling might be tricky till I can find a babysitter in my new area - and then money is a bit of an issue...

many thanks for listening

My local children's centre offers counselling while they look after your child- and it's free. Worth a try. Maybe speak to your health visitor.

People don't deserve respect just because the are older. Instead of going upstairs when MIL comes can you go out? I do this when my MIL comes or else I just sit stewing with anger . Go for a walk or to the shops, for a swim anything. My DD is very sensitive and anxious, while this can be trying and tiring I would never show this to her, your mum was wrong in her attitude towards you, you were a child and couldn't help how you were.

thankyou again.
madmouse I do have a children's centre close by so will definately ask about this.
Cocolepew, I would LOVE to go out but I dont try to give her more things to gossip about, and if I am not 'at home in the kitchen where I should be' it will just fuel further malicious gossip. I stupidly believe in negative energy...

I would do what coco says and go out when she comes. Have you got friends you can go to or maybe enrol in an adult education class that runs on a Saturday. She will gossip about you whether you are there or not. I can't imagine anything worse than having to lock myself away when your MIL visits.

Does she blame you for not being there when your dd had her accident or does she think you were there?

Who cares if she gossips? You shouldn't, and if she says anything to your DH he should be defending you. MollieO's right, she'd gossip no matter what you did, you have to start thinking of yourself, learning to not give a stuff about what others think of you is the way forward.

thankyou both,
Yes I see she'd gossip no matter what. Have tons of things I could do ...
MollieO she thinks its my fault because I was out and her poor son was having to have to do the very diffult task of cooking lunch for our kids (eggs and toast)when he had an accident with the pan of boiling water whilst my 18 month old was hanging around the cooker.
So, its my fault. Just want to wave a magic wand and have her vanish for good. Her mere existance fills me with panic, rage, dread and a million other awful emotions.

vannah, does your husband also blame you for the accident?

hi kditdl, he doesnt blame me at all. If anything I blamed him for the first 2 months because he lied to me about how the accident happened - he told me her was carrying her whilst emptying the pan of boiling water and she pulled on it.
I was furious because I thought it was irresponsible to carry a baby and a pan simultaneously plus she is so extensively burned that I couldnt believe it.

He finally owned up to how it really happened - the towel he used got caught on the rings of the gas cooker frame, a genuine and very sad accident. So I dont blame him but stayed very angry with him for lying to me.
Sorry, long response!

How awful! Your poor baby.

Does he understand your point of view about your MIL's behaviour towards you?

What is his relationship with her like?

its much like this with my whole family so i feel for you

i always seem to be the butt of eveyones jokes. im made fun of constantly over ridiculous things. my sister is particularly horrible about the way i dress, do my hair and make up and anything else she can find.

when i was going through horrifc PND all i got was "grow up" and "stop being melodramatic"

ive tried talking to them about it countless times and nothing so far has worked so my only advice is to try and ignore it

sorry to hear about your DD btw hope shes doing well

xxxx

thankyou,
CM sorry its happening to you too, its a nightmare isnt it? KDITDL, he is close to his mum but pretends not to be...tries to support me but deep down he is not too interested in whats going on - it doesnt affect him.

Are you in the UK vannah? Grandparents have no automatic 'rights' to see their grandchildren. If I were you, I'd go out - with your children - when MIL calls round & leave her and your DH to it. Why doesn't he defend you? You need him on your side & he should be supporting you on this issue.