PND again, losing it, everything going to s**t

[minxofmancunia]

Self-diagnosed pnd after my dd was born she's now 3, had a strong anxiety component+OCD, told hv, no help although annoyingly they wrote I was depressed in my notes but did nothing.

Now have ds 12 weeks, hv (weeks ago) delicately enquired after my "emotional health". She was v good actually better than the last one, was fine at the time so not an issue. Now however a few weeks on completely different picture.

Ds has become really unsettled after a good atart, crying a lot, feeds and sleeps all over the place, screaming inconsolably. bf shit, refusing bottle am hating it(caring for him) although love HIM v much iyswim.

Today felt like jumping out of the window, felt like I was losing it. Tried to talk to dh he was crap as usual, goading me, winding me up, needling me, like kicking a dog when it's down. best friend who stayed over last night even told him off today for winding me up, which he seems to do a lot.

Anyway and I hate myself for this, enede up in yet another argument, me asking him for support, him winding me up by repeating "you're shouting" over snd over again. Once he was out of the room i threw a glass at the wall in frustration smashing it, and left a dint in the wall. Am horrified at myself, he carried on with his usual tirading at me, explained I don't feel very well, feel unsafe, not coping. said I felt like not existing, poor poor lovely dd (3) heard me and looked terrified. begging me to stop crying, saying she loved me .

Feel sick with guilt that I've traumatised her, ds screaming again, non stop. Finally have got him down for his first nap of the day after the constant screaming. can't stop crying. Dh taken dd for a night at Grannys (pre-arranged), but so want to spend time just her and me without ds, just need a break from him .

Best friend lovely, but sometimes says not v helpful stuff, telling me dds ate "far too much fibre" which is why she has diarrhea (sp?) and "I wouldn't have let her get under the table befor she'd finished her food properly" during brunch in pub, also told me "well it's obvious you're not coping". Meant it well though I suppose.

Everythings a mess, ds feeds and sleeps and screaming fits, dd upset and me and dh constant constant bickering and rowing. Just want it to stop. Love my dcs but hate being a parent, me and dh a good couple until dd was born now we hardly ever get on and I'm constantly irritated by him, sometimes feel like I hate him. Sometimes think I've made a f**king huge mistake and now dcs are going to suffer cos of their miserable, shit, rubbish, selfish mummy.

What a mess.

didnt want this to go unanswered so i just want to tell you your not alone
i have been through pnd and anxiety .
i really think you need to see your gp - there is help out there you just need to ask for it
im at your partner for winding you up
lots of hugs for you xxx
keep posting it helps

thanks so much for reply, the ironic thing is I'm a mental health nurse and cognitive behavioural therapist (although training to be that I think has contributed to a hugely stressful and anxiety ridden year). I shouldn't be feeling and behaving like this, but really do feel like I'm losing it .

Just can't handle the sound of my ds crying, makes me feel sick with anxiety, I know that's stupid, babies cry obviously. Think i still have some unresolved stuff going on from when dd was a baby she had bad colic/reflux and cried for up to 8 hours a day for 4 motnhs. So now if he cries I just get terrified I'm going to have another poorly, "high need" baby on my hands and I won't be able to deal with it.

Maybe your H should stay at his mums too.

Go and see your GP tomorrow and get yourself some proper help and support as you are not going to get it from your husband.

I had had PND three times so totally understand how you feel.

will make an appointment tomorrow... just not sure about anti-depresants as I've had them before and had terrible side effects, lost appetite and became v thin and weak (although some may like that particular side effect), v jittery and anxious.

He says he does want to support me, all I want is for him to aknowldege I'm having a tough time and the odd hug and cuddle here and there. I know I get on at him about the house, sometimes too much but the chaos he leaves everywhere, it's just another bloody job. The house is strwen with toys/clothes/coats etc.etc. just from him packing dd up to go to her grannys, chucking stuff about everywhere looking for things bits of wrapping paper all over the floor, jumpers and socks he's taken off in the living room just scattered about everywhere.

The other day when I told him I thought I had pnd he said "well it's your fault". Was so hurt and upset I bundled dcs up and took them to my parents for the night, cue texts begging me to come home then a couple of weeks of decent behaviour then back to his usual wind-up merchant self.

it isn't your fault. You are ill.

Get some new ads, they might work better for you.

that is what's upsetting me the most fab, having pnd is pretty shit but what's making me feel so bereft is that in this state i'm in at my most vulnerable the one person who professes to love me more than anything is being so bloody horrible, not cutting me any slack and winding me up.

Same thing happened after birth of dd, I left him and he promised he wouldn't behave like this again. When ttc ds I made it clear I wouldn't put up with what imo is emotional abuse following childbirth and now a carbon copy of the same thing has hapened.

Absolutely brilliant 2 weeks following the birth then gradually more and more shit creeping in over the following weeks and losing the ability more and more to do an bloody housework or help me domestically at all.

Am stupid for thinking he would be different. Just thought the fact i left him last time might shock him into not doing this again.

he may be an arse... or he may be frightened by the idea of you being unwell / scared of the responsibilities he now has / not coping himself.... that's not to excuse his behaviour but he may be unable to support you as he should. gp sounds like a good idea. any family you and dcs can stay with? what are you meant to be doing over christmas?

I'm glad you are going to the GP - can you remember what ADs you were on before so that they can give you something different?
I have been on ADs for 8 months now and it has really helped me get over my PND.

I am and at your dickhead of a husband though.

Your DD sounds lovely, you should be proud of her, and proud of yourself making her the person she is.

controlfestivefreaky I think you may have a point there, the way he reacted after dds birth was almost as if he had a type of pnd himself, he was so angry and nasty.

He's always been a bit of a wind up merchant tbh but this stppoed for a few years after i made it very clear i wouldn't tolerate it, the antagonistic behaviour on his part seems to kick in when i'm feeling at my worst, almost like a kind of fear.

Could stay at my parents but tbh my Mum can be abit of a funny one too at times and sometimes feel hurt by what she says, I don't really like them knowing my business too much, or anyone for that matter, I'm v private about personal matters. Would never tell mot of my friends for example, maybe one or two but prefer to keep my troubles to myself. Some people seem to think the sun shines out of dhs arse and I'm a "nag". The friend who stayed over last night is the only one who has an understanding of what an arse he can be, and she'll tell him.

Bollocks to him treating you like shit because he is scared of the responsibility.

ali was on prozac previously, imagine they would give me citalopram 10mg these days, it's what I recommend for my patients .

My dd is a lovely lovely caring girl, I just worry it's too much concern to be on her gorgeous shoulders at such a young age,

She's seen me crying to often recently, heard too many arguments. Always comes over and says "it's ok mummy, it's alright" and pits her hand on my knee and gets a toy to give me as a present. Don't want her worrying about me

he says he's fed up with me "having a go at him all the time" so try to bite my lip about the mess and the lack of support with housework but sometimes just explode when for the 100th time towels are strewn everywhere and cups/plates with half finished stuff on them all over the house. He's the messiest person I've ever known and looks at me in astonishment when I point something out, e.g the bin is overflowing, the surfaces in the kitchen are covered in jam and crumbs.

he says he doesn't have time as he's too busy working and looking after dd but sometimes think he distracts himself with dd delberately to avoid clearing up his mess, she'd quite happily potter about by herself sometimes bless her.

Obviously, they work differently for everybody, but Citalopram was an absolute Godsend when I had PND. My DH wasn't fantastic (not antagonistic at all, but just didn't really "get it"), but I found that when I was levelled out a bit, I was ok with him not understanding it fully. Why would he? He's never been through it. But he did need to show some compassion. I couldn't articulate that to him whilst I was so wound up.

ok... this is not a solution. this is a short term survival plan.

You draw up a list of who is responsible for what in the short-term. Five things he has to be responsible for, five things you have to be responsible for.

You put on your list, whatever is winding you up the most - eg. H is responsible for making sure all his clothes are in the laundry basket if they need washing, that the kitchen surfaces are clean and clear etc.

Then you have 3 things each other cannot do - i.e. you cannot nag if he's done the 5 things, he cannot put you down.

You each have at least 30 minutes a day on your own, without DCs to relax.

Its a boiling pot at the moment - you both need space, and boundaries.

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I had DD at Christmas time 3 yrs ago and it was so stressful. I also suffered with PND but didn't tell anyone. That was a v bad decision...

Sending positive vibes your way.