Horrible, intrusive thoughts about baby being hurt, can't sleep!

[YanknChristmasCrackers]

I finally broke down and told DH what's been going on tonight, and he suggested I tell you lovely people and see if you could give me any coping strategies.

DS is 15 weeks old, and he's absolutely wonderful. I had very bad antenatal depression that is really well controlled now with citalopram. My mood is great, the mental health team looking after me is very impressed with how well I am doing.

However....for about the last week or two, I've been having these really intrusive thoughts about DS being hurt. It's to the point where it keeps me awake and sometimes crying most nights. And now it's starting to happen during the day too. I've just been sobbing in front of DH, didn't even want to tell him what exactly the thoughts were, but he finally convinced me.

I keep imagining someone stomping on DS's head. It's not me, it's someone else, usually teenage boys, and they've got DS on the ground and are kicking him and stomping on him. I am crying now just writing that. It's so awful, and the more I try not to think about it, the worse it gets.

DH has been looking up info on intrusive thoughts and all evidence seems to be that this is really common for new parents. I want to stress I have no thoughts of deliberately hurting him myself. I don't think I have PND.

I would love to hear if anyone has any suggestions as to how I can make it stop? And frankly would really like to know I'm not alone in this. I should be sleeping loads as DS sleeps through the night, but I'm getting more and more tired from lying awake every night.

I don't know what to say to help, but you have all my sympathy. That is so awful and seems far more than just post natal anxiety stuff. Get back to the CPN asap.

I feel like such an idiot, because the CPN and the psychiatrist were just out to see me last week, and I didn't say anything. Mainly because during the day I was forgetting about it. But it kept coming back at night, and now during the day.

i found that part of becoming a parent was a bit like having a layer of skin removed from your mind. the news became unwatchable and there are some books i just couldn't read once i had a child. when ds was about 7 weeks i found dh sobbing in the kitchen from a news story.

it must be a natural thing to make us protect our babies. but if it is making you feel out of control or very unhappy then you will need to get some help.

aww yankn, i can totally sympathise because i ahve this too, although maybe not as bad as you because i can, to some extent control it.

DO tell your mental health team. they will be able to help and support you with this.

When I do it I have to just really, really force myself to stop, and it's very hard cos it's like when you get a really annoying song stuck in your hea and you cfan't stop humming it isn't it?

i try and distract myself. going and staring at the ds's and thinking of the nice things we've done that day, imagining people doing NICE things with them- grandma cuddling them, pushing them on swings etc
or else immerse yourself in something else, a dvd, doing the ironing... whatever it takes.

I think it's common among new parents, but only up to a point. I get it quite often, maybe few times a week, probably more on the days when I'm stressed.
If it causes you to loose sleep, though, you should talk about it with your mental health team.

I had this to some extent when my anxiety was at its worst. It's normal to have those thoughts but we usually push them out.

When you are having an episode of acute anxiety things go round and round in your head more and it seems impossible to shut them out. It's horrible. You have my sympathy.

I'd get back to your team and explain whats happening and see if they can do something to help you get your anxiety level down. You are not unusual but you need help with it. Good luck.

have been through intrusive thoughts in the past as a form of OCD - it can be related to depression/PND/anxiety. ways of dealing with it - 1)to read up about it - as that reassures you it's an unfortunate problem, rather a sign that you are mad/bad etc 2)to recognise that every one has unpleasant odd thoughts - steven king type thoughts - but that for some reason you are vulnerable - tiredness/hormoes etc - so instead of being able to disregard them, you are frettig about them -- which becomes a vicious circle - the more anxious/upset you feel about having these thoughts the more likely you are the thoughts will recur 3)general relaxation 4)some form of "treatment" - medication/counselling (if it's depression rather than OCD related).

there's a good book on amazon called "the imp of the mind - silent epidemic of obsessive thoughts" by Lee Baer.

Oh you poor thing. I don't know what the solution is, but I definitely experienced what you're going through to a degree when I had DC1. I had horrible sudden thoughts of terrible things happening to her (although mine included me doing terrible things like throwing her off the bridge I was walking over, or falling down the stairs). They were very vivid and absolutely gut wrenching. However, they were brief, and perhaps less intrusive than the ones you're experiencing.

I did read somewhere once that there may be some purpose to these thoughts...they reinforce the protective mechanism. However it does sound like you;re really suffering with it, so maybe you should get in touch with the GP or health visitor?

FWIW, I now have a 10 week old DC3 and I still have the occasional terrible thought, but less frequently than with DC1.

Hope you feel some comfort from knowing that you're definitely not alone!

Hun, i know where you are coming from and I get like this too. It is horrible. There is something about becoming a parent that muddles with your brain. Most of my nightmares involve ds getting hurt. Hit by a car, breaking his neck crashing on his bike.

The thing is that you want to protect him from everything and make sure that nothing can hurt him ever. It is perfectly natural in one respect and truely horrible in another.

For me my worst bouts of negative thoughts on these lines are when i watch horror filmss/ read horror books. watch or read anything which is child related and not the best or drunk far too much caffine. I work on what i can deal with like not watching/reading/drinking anything that sets me off and try to remind myself that there is only so much that i can protect him from. And check on him lots. It has got better on respect in that i dont get these thoughts anywhere near as much as i used to but I still have to check on his breathing whilst he is asleep several times a night just to makes sure he is still brathing .

Hope it gets better for you.

Thank you everyone. It just feels really weird because I don't feel depressed, honestly! After 16 years of recurrent major depression, I know what that's like, and this is something different.

TotalChaos, you're right, I already do feel a bit better for having DH read me some statistics from studies of new parents. Apparently it is quite common.

I am kind of hoping by just getting it out instead of dealing with it by myself, I will have some sort of improvement.

I do wonder if it's some sort of 'bonding' type thing, because when these thoughts are happening, along with the horror/depair is anger and fierce protectiveness, and feeling that I would tear anyone apart who dared to harm my baby. Not really conducive to falling asleep though....

Am going to try visualising the positive stuff. Have been avoiding going to bed until late, thinking I will get myself so tired I will just fall asleep, but it's not been working. Maybe an early night tonight and a book to distract me.

Really appreciate people taking the time to respond.

I'm sure tiredness makes it worse too, so maybe you;re in a vicious cycle. Poor you. Really hope you can start getting some more sleep!

yank, i am not depressed atm either! and i still get it, i don't think it's necessarily a "depression" thing, but if you're prone to anxiety/ocd-ish type stuff then that might be what is making it worse for you than for others who are able to shut those thoughts out more easily.

I hope that you can find soemthing that works for you anyway

I was very anxious when DS was little (undiagnosed PND)and kept getting the fear that he'd died in his sleep. It was terrifying and awful. I've had other dark, obsessive thoughts before and I completely sympathise.
The thing that did the trick for me WRT the anxiety and obsessive thoughts was a technique taught to me under hypnosis. Basically,instead of 'challenging' the unwanted thought, and reasoning with myself, I was told that whenever an unwanted thought was starting to form in my head, I would see the word "STOP!" appear in front of my eyes, the thought would disappear and I would take 3 deep breaths to counteract the adrenaline/ anxiety surge. It has worked a treat. For the first time in my entire life, I would no longer class myself as anxious or depressed.
I also no longer spend hours trying to reason with myself, wrangling with my thoughts and ending up feeling exhausted and helpless and at the mercy of my twisted imagination!
Best of luck finding something that works for you

i too have had instrusive thoughts and i did not feel depressed but they peaked when i had bed anxiety

i would suggest speaking to the hv or cpn about them but mainly just trying not to worry

i know that sounds hard but you are realising that they are only thoughts and you have shared them with dh and us and hopefully they will start to lessen off

the 'thought' of the intrusive thoughts used to upset me as much as them 'why' are they coming when i don't want them?

mine too got worse when i had a baby ..

sorry for rubbish advice but just wanted to say i understand you and offer some little help

I never really thought I had anxiety issues...OCD I've sort of joked a bit about in that I can be rigid in how I like things done, slightly anal about lining up books on shelves, filing obsessively, loading dishwashers a certain way, etc. Jeez, when I think about it I can be rather controlling. Just asked DH, and he looked as though I might be asking a trick question and said 'You can be a bit controlling...but not in a bad way'. He always has the right answer, bless him.

Yankn, you are not alone. I suffered badly with intrusive thoughts like this when DS was tiny and new, and found it quite hard to deal with. Do talk to your mental health team, I'm sure they'll be able to help I just kind of stuck it out after being reassured that it's really common among new parents, and they eventually dissipated over time. I still get the odd one but being isolated, they're much easier to dismiss.

I had this after DC1 was born. I had awful vivid pictures in my head of DH hurting him!
If I popped out somewhere and left DH with the baby, say to get my hair cut, I would have these terrible visions, or if DH didn't manage to answer his phone when I called I'd think to myself, DH must be disposing of DS's body! Mad, horrifying stuff.

I did speak to my GP about it and I was put on AntiDs briefly, although I think I had a lot of anxiety in areas of my life and once it improved I had less of these thoughts/visions.

Now I have DD as well and I have not had them often this time, although I cannot read/watch certain news items because it affects me very badly. DH tells me when it is best I don't pick up a newspaper. Also, can't watch horror films either because it sets my imagination off.

I really sympathise with you, these thoughts are so awful. Hairymelons STOP technique sounds great too, I might try that too.

citybranch, you just reminded me...the first time DH was on his own with DS (around 3-4 weeks), he was supposed to put DS in the car and come pick me up. DH phoned me, with baby screaming in background, to ask how the carseat straps worked, sounded really frustrated. It seemed like he was taking forever to come get me, so by the time they arrived I'd imagined that DH had gotten so frustrated that he'd accidentally killed DS, then killed himself because he knew I'd never forgive him. I'd completely forgotten about that, it definitely didn't recur like this latest thought has.

Thank you all again for talking to me about this. I am going to shut off the computer, have a snuggle with DH, and then try to go to bed early. That hypnosis thing does sound good. I feel like I'm going to bed with an arsenal of things to try. Also, my CPN is supposed to ring me this week and drop off some paperwork, so I will tell him.

Don't worry, this is extremely common in new parents. I used to have horrible thoughts too, long imagined scenarios where the dcs would die and I would be at their funeral - horrific.

I don't get them so much anymore, I think as they get older you just grow out of it. In some cases though, intrusive thoughts that affect your behaviour and are highly distressing can be a form of OCD.

Deinitely tell your CPN though, they may offer you some CBT, this is an effective treatment for upsetting, irrational negative thoughts and the thoughts type of OCD. Also, maybe post-natal anxiety could be a possibility - this is differnt from what most people understand to be PND, rather than depression you become obsessed with something bad happening to the baby and may be convinced the baby is ill all the time.

It will most likely be fine and settle down on it's own but would mention it anyway. For some self-help techniques google mindfulness and thought/action fusion.And possibly acceptance/commitment therapy. Hope you are ok.x

When I had DS there was (and still is) nothing in the world as precious to me. Keeping him safe and well seemed such an enormous responsibility. I would often picture "worst case scenario" type scenes, imagining cars coming out of nowhere, waking up to find him gone, and others I won't list in case it gives you ideas!
I was bereaved as a child and I think I kept expecting that same shock again.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that our overwhelming attachment to the LO has a flip side - the overwhelming fear of losing them.
Some fear is healthy; too much is paralysing.

Tell the mental health team, but be reassured that many new mums have irrational fears about their baby being hurt, being ill, dying etc. It will pass.I had similar with ds 1 and dd2 ,im sure that hormones, fatigue and the overwhelming emotions that come with motherhood are the cause.Take care x

Just wanted to report back...didn't get to bed for a while due to laundry/tidying, but when I got there I tried reading for a while until I got really tired and could barely keep my eyes open.

That thought started coming back, but I kept forcing myself to think of DS doing his crazy wiggle-dance on his changing mat. Always makes me smile. This seemed to work! I still could see the horrible stuff, but it was less vivid and I felt more detached from it IYSWIM. Like I was finally realising this bad stuff is NOT going to happen.

Reckon it has everything to do with finally talking to DH and you all about it. So thank you thank you thank you again!

This is very common and will mostly pass with time. I no longer have awful obsessive fantasies about how ds1 would stop breathing, or I would drop him, or he would fall out of his pram, or we'd be hit by a car or a dog would leap up and bite him, or I'd fall down the stairs, or the SS would visit on a pretense and take him away, or I'd become unconscious while bathing him and he'd drown, or I'd drop a hot cup of tea on his head, or I'd go insane and put him in the oven, or I'd trip over the moses basket ....

The list goes on. It passes. I actually found alcohol to help a little, when it got too bad I poured myself a double something and took it to bed.

Glad you're feeling a bit better about it YanknCock Last night I remembered something I used to do when they were bad, an old visualisation from my woo-curious teenage days. I would picture DS (or me and DS if I was holding him) and then visualise a powerful pulse of white light blasting out from us to form a protective circle. It helped to push the bad thoughts away and reassure me somehow that he was safe.