I don't know if I am tired of life, tired of living or just had enough of being me.

[FabIsVeryLucky]

I am really struggling at the moment with so many things and just don't know if I can fight my way out of it again.

I can feel really happy and then come crashing down in a second.

I am on AD's and are lucky that I don't have to work. I help out in school one morning a week.

I fantasise about walking out and immediately think of my mother who gave me away as her boyfriend didn't want me.

I love my husband. I love my kids. I just don't love me. I don't even like myself at the moment.

I feel scared of how things are going to be.

Don't expect an replies. Just hoped that if I got it out of my head, it might help.

That's a horrible state for you to be in - so sorry you feel that low. Sounds like you need to get back to the doctor as soon as you can to get your meds adjusted, as that sort of feeling is pure depression talking. Hold on to the fact that you love your husband and kids. Walking out would only add to your guilt and depression. Please be kind to yourself and hold tight until you can see a doctor.

xxx

Please keep something in mind when you feel that down: in a few hours it will pass.

Remember that is just your depression talking, that it has nothing to do with you. You have people you love and love you back so go through the bad moment convinced that in a few minutes or hours you will be wondering how on Earth did you think that.

And talk to your GP, not all ADs are the same, you may be prescribed another one that works better for you.

As others have said, please see your doc and get your ADs ajdusted. That sounds like an awful place to be in.

In the mean time, please hold on to the love you have for your family. They love you, they think you are wonderful. And you love them - surely they must be right in seeing so many lovely things in you?

It's a chemical inbalance making you feel this way, and while it seems so real to you, it's not real, and it needs to be fixed. You are a wonderful and unique person and you deserve to love yourself as much as others love you.

Hi there. I often feel like you do, and have contemplated running away from my family (leaving my kids) and occasionally suicide because it all felt so pointless. You have my absolute sympathy for the way you are feeling.

There are a few things I find helpful :

to think about what I have, not what I have lost
fresh air (really - it does help)
anti-depressants
talking with someone who listens, including my GP and a counsellor
realising that depression is an illness from which I can recover
knowing my limitations - on some days I simply cannot achieve much beyond basic functioning, but on the days when I feel strong, I can achieve more

There are no magic answers, but hang on in there - I don't know you, but from the way you write you sound like an intelligent, caring person who has a lot to give - and receive.

You need to lay those ghosts to rest somehow you know......it's not the depression talking, or a case of switching meds....... The root of the problem is there in the post. Is your counselling helping in anyway?

I feel a bit spooked about your post tbh ILoveTiffany.

Thank you to all of you. Your posts are all very inciteful and very much appreciated.

I have been on ADs on and off for 8 years and the ones I am on, do work but I think I might need a higher dose. I am due to see my regular (depression) GP in January. I see him every 3 months because I have too.

I have two issues. I have chemical inbalance depression and also environmental depression from my upbringing and no tablets can fix the latter. I am having therapy. I was cancelled this Tuesday just gone and go again this Tuesday coming. The counselling helps in some way that I can work out why I feel the way I do. For example, I have never felt good enough and it has taken me a long time to work out it probably comes from knowing my mother wanted a boy.

I seem to have a self destruct gene. Whenever I was happyish as a child it was taken away from me but where I was so sad all the time, I was left there.

I am scared of being happy and when I do feel happy I am scared of going with it. Almost like I can't deal with feeling like I have wasted so much of my life feeling but also knowing I can't help being ill.

My DH is finding it very hard to live with me at the moment. I hurt him last year by taking to an ex and the ex emailed me again last week and completely unsettled me. I told DH and I don't talk to the ex. I feel if I try and move on from everything and get back to how we were, it feels like I don't get/care that I have hurt DH. Almost like a reverse bearing a grudge. He wants to move on and keeps trying to give me suggestions for how I can feel better.

We are all going out on a surprise day out today and I am looking forward to it. I just feel I need to punish myself all the time.

Everyone is ready and waiting for me so I had better go but thank you so much again.

I have never really dared to say some of this before so appreciate you listening.

Hope you all have a good day.

Writing it down really does help to clarify your thoughts. As I have discovered, therapy is a very hard process, and will naturally bring back many feelings/experiences from childhood. Can make you feel pretty bad. I think it's important to remember that it is the therapy that is exacerbating the horrid feelings, and just to try to go with the flow, knowing that it will go away just as soon as you have dealt with important things with the counsellor.

For me, I try to keep in mind the goals that I want from therapy. The person I want to become.

It is such a painful process, far more difficult than I ever thought. But pat yourself on the back that you are doing it, talking about it, and ultimately it will be for the better.

Are you comfortable with your counsellor, do you feel he/she is the right one for you? If not, then it's time for find a new one. If you are ok with the counsellor, then that makes all the difference. Good luck.

ILoveTiffany, I'm sorry but I think that was a very irresponsible post. Believe me, sometimes therapy is not enough to keep you away of depression, you need the ADs even to face therapy.

I have to agree that finding a therapist that you can work with can change your life. It changed mine. I wish you strength Fab, depression can be beaten with the right therapy and meds. Be kind to yourself

its my opinion biobytes,from reading many threads/posts over the months/years from this poster..an opinion,thats all!

So, tell me ILoveTiffany, what these ghosts are and how the hell I am expected to lay them to rest when I haven't been abe to yet?

The therapist seems a very nice person and I have been able to tell her I don't like going, it stresses me out, I am not sure what her plan is or how it is going to help, but I still don't really understand how it is going to help. I am honest with her though.

Bump for ILoveTiffany so she can tell me what is wrong with me and what my problem is.

bump

Fab, how are you feeling now? I just checked into the forums to see how you are and read your recent reply.

That feeling of needing to punish yourself can be a symptom of depression. You sound so intelligent and wise. As you know so clearly you are being hard on yourself, can you just act as if you want to look after yourself? Just go through the motions of eating well and being gentle on yourself until you feel more able to take care of yourself.

I don't know what the causes of your depression are, but do know that depression can kick in without any just cause - it is an illness. Treating it as an illness, and yourself as someone who needs to recuperate, might help right now.

Fab - Have been on a couple of your threads over the years and am so sorry that you are so low again.

First of all let me tell you that you aren't the only one who feels like that. I often "fantasise" about just walking away and never stopping or of ending everything altogether. Like you, my DCs are my glue. I also seem to have similar(ish) issues in my past to you and know just how fucking hard it is to not only admit those things "out loud" but then to tell someone else and deal with all the emotions that spill out when you remember that which was hidden.
Somethings are not "ghosts" to be "£laid to rest" but memories we need to heal from.

You have made so many positive steps. You KNOW when you are feeling so bad that you need an increase in your meds, you also know that there is a place to be "you" be it here or with your therapist.

I have no advice at all, just wanted you to know that you weren't alone.

Take tiny steps, make an appt with your GP for meds review before xmas to give them time to work and see your therapist again on Tuesday.