I am turning over a new leaf. Enough is enough.

[GladtobeAshamed]

I am mostly just writing this because it needs to be out there.

I am so ashamed, but I need to admit it in order to stop. And I think I know how to stop now, too scared to get help in case my kids are taken away - cos I am a great mum really, really. But an utterly abusive mum sometimes.

I am a lovely, fabulous, fun, loving, sharing mother until I lose my temper. And then I hit my kids. I totally 100% don't think hitting kids is right, I think it is wrong. It doesn't make sense, I don't even believe in smacking YET I have lost it and quite regularly whacked them in anger. They are 3 and 1. Yes, I am crying now because it's so fucking ridiculous. I do ANYTHING for these kids and can't even protect them from myself. Tiny babies who I love soooo much and I hurt them and scare them.

I suffer massively from anxiety and had great tablets that helped (also making sure i eat properly too) but I feel like it makes me understand why my dad did EXACTLY the SAME thing to me - excpt my parents have told me that it was my fault because i was winding him up. well, I unerstand that the kids wind me up but it is NOT THEIR FAULT one bit. I am the adult and I need to stop and care for them.

So Enough. enough. enough. I have said this before but realised that I had not worked out a plan for what to do instead so this is my plan (and I tried it this morning and it worked).
*Like alcoholics/addicts etc - I am going to try for one day at a time (though I never want to hit them or lose it at them scarily ever again)
*when I feel the blood pressure rising, count to ten but thinking of objects - proper distraction. one elephant, two telephones, three balloons etc
*complete 'I am angry because...'
*complete 'what do i need to do now'

Am mostly writing this for my benefit, but feel free to lay into me. I deserve it. My kids deserve so much better, but I honestly feel that it should be ME looking after them, but a nicer, more improved me, that protects them better. I think I cna do it. ANd i have to do it. I need counselling too, i think. Scared to admit anything that puts my kids at risk of being taken away but am scared of not dealing with it. So this HAS TO WORK. AND IT WILL.

Good on you!! You have realised you have a problem and have come up with a plan to solve it! Well done that is the first step. I dont feel able to offer any advice really just wanted to try and offer some support. I suffer with anxiety too so know a bit of what you must be feeling. Everyone loses their temper sometimes, me included. I always just explain to DD why i am so cross and then leave her safely in a room while i lock myself in another and stress/cry/breathe! Whatever helps you.

I wish you all the best in overcoming your problem. Im sure you are a wonderful mum and i think we are all too hard on ourselves sometimes. We are human beings too. Take each day as it comes. Good luck.

well done you

and your kids do not get taken away just like that. If anyone finds it necessary to inform social services they will see a mum who's desperate to change and they should support you in that.

That must have taken courage to write that. Can I add that when I lose it, I go outside. Just breathe the fresh air. It also means I can't hear the noise inside!

I don't stay outside for long, just one minute. And of course I am confident the children are safe. I can see them through the window.

But it gives me precious time to think and be calm. And then I go back inside and explain what the plan of action is to sort the problem out.

It might be an idea to write on MN as a bit of a journal, to keep up the good work?

Well done. I hope it works for you and I am sure you have yourself in the right frame of mind for it.

Something that I read on here that I find useful is to imagine that someone is watching me. Would I act like this (shouting usually, but sometimes on banshee scale) if someone was watching. The answer is always no it it works for me everytime.

I know a little of where you are coming from. I was on citalopram for PND. Various people nagged me to come off and so I did, over the summer. Since then I have been a terrible, awful, scary, useless mother. My DD is 22 months ffs Today was one of the worst days I have ever had and I totally lost it with her. I didn't hit her although I wanted to. But I yelled and screamed at her in a way that thoroughly shocked me and my temper has been getting worse and worse over time. Not being on tablets is not worth it. Whatever issues there are with them is not as bad as the person I have reverted to since I came off them.

I don't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted to tell you I can understand a little of how you feel. Lots of luck. As they say, admitting there is a problem that needs fixing is half the battle.

Have you thought about getting the people from homestart along to give you a hand with the dc?. they come along and play /occupy the dc for a wee bit so you can get on with the housework or even just have a cup of tea in peace.
It sounds like you are very stressed at the moment. have you got friends/relatives who could babysit for a few hours to give you a break.
I dont mean to sound like im urging you to hand them over to someone else, its just that no-one can keep a clear and calm head when their exhausted.
But as ROCKBIRD mentioned admitting a problem needs fixing is half the battle.
If you feel yourself sliping,and need to get it out , get on here and talk.it does help.
well done you ,on taking that very hard first step.

Thank you, all of you. I don't deserve your support but it has made me steely determined that Yes, this is New and Different. From today, NO MORE.

TheCat, sadly, yes, I have done it in public - my friend saw me smack dd nd was . But this makes me think that actually, perhaps a little bit of this Has gone way out of my control and what you said RockBird about taking the tablets again really resonated. I havent taken them for two, three weeks and I think I do need to take them again. I always tell other people it's not a weakness not to be able to deal with things yourself and yet for me...

Like the ideas about going outside, will add them to my strategies. We often go out for a walk when it gets a bit crazy. It does help, fresh air, nature.

RockBird, please do hijack my thread. It does help to know there are other people who can empathis to a degree - and we can move on together, and be better mummies to our lovely children.

I think you've done really well to admit that there is a problem and that you need to fix it.

Do you have a Sure Start centre near you? Mine offers a course called 'family nurturing', which is about strategies to understand your kids and deal with their behaviour (and has also been really helpful in thinking about my relationships with adults in my life). They had a free crèche with the course. Something like this might help you to think things through more and either view their behaviour differently (and not get wound up) or change the behaviour that you don't like. You wouldn't have to tell them that you've hit your kids if you're worried about intervention, the course is open to anyone.

dr, you are right. Things are majorly stressful at the moment (can't really say why, scared I'll 'out' myself, and not ready to do that yet). I am lucky to have amazingly supporting dh and my parents who actually have the kids today, which has given me more headspace yes. they are really sweet kids too. Definitely a reminder to put my health as a priority (I know you might not believe me, but I tend to put the kids first and then that kinda makes things blow - dh is always going on at me for it). And tablets. and hopefully this particularl stress will be resolved soon and that will help too.

Intergalactic, what's really crap is that when I am not in super-anxiety-stress mode, I am a fucking good mum. And deal with them perfectly, they are amazing, chilled out loving, thoughtful, caring, sharing, sweet kids (though I do say so myself). Maybe that's part of it. I set my expectations too high, and expect too much of myself,let alone the kids. Will check it out though, there's always something to learn, huh? Might help me realise what triggers are going on.And cant afford the therapy that helped me bfore.

actually, it sounds great. will imvestigate

hi Glad ! how are you today? just thought id check your ok .

Glad - you said that you can't afford the therapy which you had before - so I am hoping that you would find this mp3 useful.

It is a self-hypnosis track which helps to reprogram your mind to feel and be more positive about Motherhood.

I used it whilst on maternity leave and have quite a few of these downloads which I find to be very relaxing and to kick me out of negative cycles or thinking and behaviour.

Good luck - and try to aim for progress and not perfection.

Glad and Rockbird, get back on the tablets! This is the twentyfirst century. You don't have to suffer like this. The tablets are there. They help. They will not do you any harm. Don't feel a failure. Some people have the type of disposition to deal calmly with stress, others don't. Simple as that. Its how you were born. Just go to the doc and get the help which, thankfully, is available. The ssri's aren't just antidpressants, they are calming too.