4 years after rape. Is this normal?

[4yearson]

Have namechanged because I don't want this to be associated with my normal name. I'm sure at least one person will probably recognise me, but that's okay. I just don't want to come across this every time I search my posts.

4 years ago, I was raped by a good friend(!). It's a complicated story, but we were both massively emotionally vulnerable due to losses in both our lives & we gravitated towards each other. We went from being 'quite good friends' to pretty much everything to each other for a few months. We kissed & cuddled during this time, but never more than that. I suppose it's arguable that after a long time of being that close emotionally & physically that it's always going to come to something more - or that that would be expected. But that's not how it was in my head.

I was still living with my parents at the time & had mentioned in passing that they were going out to visit family, but that I was intending to just have a quiet afternoon. As soon as my family had gone out, the doorbell rang & he was there. I honestly didn't think much of it, as I trusted him so much, & invited him in to watch tv with me. That's when it happened.

The thing that I'm finding really difficult all this time later is dealing with this time of year. It makes no sense even in my head, but I'm scared of going outside, because the light reminds me of how that day was & the days afterwards when I was trying to work out what'd happened, whilst still being his friend (I've not spoken to him for a couple of years now). The cold is a specific time of November cold, which reminds me of his face from where he'd obviously been lurking outside for God knows how long waiting for my family to go out. The early darkness reminds me of just sitting in my room, hiding from it all.

It's making me not want to go outside. I'm avoiding normal tasks because they involve me going out. Even though I now live in a different area, have a completely different life & have absolutely no reason to think that anything like that would ever happen again.

Is this normal? Obviously it's not desirable, but is there something wrong with me? Or is this how it is?

I do think it's normal to feel the fear you have. You are linking a past event trauma because of the triggers (cold dark nights). It doesn't matter where you are in the world.

I am doing the same thing, linking horrid past events with things happening currently. They are not related, but the triggers are there.

The only way out for me is counselling, which I am doing now. The idea is that the counselling will enable me to re-train my thinking patterns, to healthy ones. A bit of re-wiring so to speak. So that I can move on in healthy ways.

Would that be something to consider?

I hope that made some sense!

I have tried CBT, but it hasn't really helped with this. It helped with other stuff, but this is what's left.

I've never had any 'other' counselling, though. I've worried it'd dredge things up too much. What kind are you having?

& I'm sorry that you're struggling too.

Hmmm, I don't know much about CBT. The kind of counselling for me is more to do with transactional analysis (very interesting theories) but is basically as I said, re-wiring.

Yes, it has dredged loads up, it's not easy but I am hopeful for a good outcome. I want to come out of it sparkling! I hope I'm not expecting too much.

Can I add that I admire your courage for talking about it. It's not easy to recount events.

Now, let me look at one of my past threads, someone posted about a fab therapy that has quick results, and was recommended.

Back in a minute.

Yes it is very normal!!!!

And four years is not a long time to heal from this huge a betrayal of trust and loss of a friendship that was important at the time.

If you feel it is more than you can cope with maybe some more counselling would help, but not CBT. I can very well understand your reluctance to dredge things up but to do so may help you give things a place

NLP was what was recommended. I can't do links (never looked into that) but it's NLP-therapy dot co dot uk.

I don't know anything about it, but it is supposed to have quick results and be very useful.

I'll look into that, thank you twoisplenty.

madmouse, I suppose you're right. 4 years seems like a long time to me, partly because of how different my life is now (with a DH & a DS!)... But looking at it objectively, as you have, it's not really that long.

I've got things to do now, but I'll be back later & will look at the NLP link. Thanks