I feel so low, so trapped - am I suffering depression?

[MabelMay]

Hi - I've never posted on this topic before, although I've often felt low enough to do so.

In brief, I am a mother to two little boys, 3.5 and 1.5. Before becoming a mum I had a very interesting, fulfilling job. However, this job is almost totally incompatible with children and so I did a bit of part-time work but have essentially been a SAHM since the first boy was born. The trouble is, I've never really been happy since. Okay, I don't walk around feeling miserable all the time but I have this kind of heavy feeling inside me so much of the time and some mornings when I wake up the heaviness feels so real, so physical that I don't want to get up. I sometimes lie there in tears, as i did this morning.

I have tried to get back into the working world, doing stuff similar to what I used to do but my old peers and colleagues have moved on and the gap in my CV means no-one is interested. Believe me, I've tried and tried. I just feel like a failure. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but I also need another outlet. This morning I had to shut myself away whilst my DH got the kids dressed and fed as I just couldn't stop crying and i didn't want the kids to see me. A lot of the time I feel like I'm putting on an act to my friends and those around me - an act of being happy when I feel so dissatisfied inside.

If I'm totally honest with myself I don't think I've been truly, truly happy since I had kids. I love my DH, I love my children. I'm not in an unhappy relationship. But I'm not happy in myself - If I'm honest, I feel trapped. I feel isolated. I don't feel I can really tell anyone how I feel (I've tried talking to my DH but he just thinks I have the odd bad day). By the way, I never had any feelings of depression before I had kids. In fact, I'd say I was way above average happy and content.

Do you think I need help?

I have had very similar feelings when my kids were your two ages and so have some of my friends. I would say it is quite normal to feel trapped, isolated, exhausted etc. There is just no time/space for yourself is there!
My two are now 7 and 3.5 and it is so much better. One at school, the other at part time play group. I can breath again. I am really enjoying motherhood now and sometimes feel sad that they will both soon be at school all day!
I have set up my own business and slowly slowly I am building it up a bit each week. It fits around my life and I feel more in control.
I would say for you this is just a demanding phase (maybe the most difficult one!) but stick with it. Get free support where you can - grannies, child- free mates, sisters etc, tell them you need a hair appointment or any other excuse to give yourself a small break. Meet up with lots of other mums with children the same age and create your own fun play group at each others houses. Make it a regular thing.
Experiment with retraining ideas, night school courses etc
and treat this as a time to rethink where you would like to go next once the kids are at school. You have two years to play with. All the best!

i used to feel like this.i felt really lonely,do you have any close friends or do you feel quite alone?