I've got depression. I didn't want to get it again, not sure if it is PND or just "normal" depression or something different.
I've been denying it for weeks/months and I'm not getting any better. I'm getting worse. The black hole is getting depper and bigger, and I should really do something about it.
But I don't want people to think I can't cope. What if they decide I can't parent my kids properly. What if they decide that I am not fit for anything? I don't want DH knowing I'm like this again.
I have three children, the youngest will be one soon. One is disabled. I shout at them all the time, get really cross with them about the stupidest of things. I'm not sleeping, lie wide awake, sleep for a few hours and get woken up by one of the two that don't sleep. They're going to hate me when they are older, I'm not a nice mummy.
I've had depression on and off for years, had a bad patch in 2002 where I contemplated suicide. I had serious PND after DC1 was born, I wanted to give him away to the next person I met. Last year so much happened and I think I took on to much, tried to be the one who coped and held everyone together.
Issues from my childhood are being brought to the surface again by something happening in my sisters life at the moment.
God I am screwed up. Where do I go from here?