I hate this. I really flipping hate this

[FABIsInTraining]

I have my therapy session this morning. DH is working from home to sort out the kids while I am not here. Bit off with each other walking to school (my asthma is bad so not 100%) and we barely said a word to each other when we got home.

I feel like this every time I have to go for the session. I hate how she doesn't say a word when we sit down and I have to start the talking and what has just come t me, is how much I hate having to relive my crap childhood when none of it was my fault.

Where are the people who fucked it up? I bet they don't give me a second thought.

I hate feeling like this. It's like I am feeling sorry for myself and I hate that too.

therapy is hard but are you sure this is the right kind of therapy for you? You're so right it's NOT your fault, maybe something more focussed on current behaviours/emotions/expectations might be more helpful?

You're not the first person I've hadsay they hate the "silence" bit of therapy and the way the therapist just sits there waiting for them to speak.

"therapeutic use of silence" can be v difficult for the client, is it that she's trying to get you to tolerate the pain? This is also a recognised therapeutic tool in some approaches.

I'm back.

I told her the silence unnerved me and we just started talking.

Some of what she says does help I guess in that it makes sense I am the way I am because of certain things.

It upsets me that my childhood is impacting on how I am as a mother.

but the whole point of the therapy is to help you move forward

you know from the many threads you post here, that you are a fantastic mother, you just need to believe it.

you are kind, patient, you worry about doing the right thing, you children are loved, nurtured and cared for, they have clean clothes, a nice home, good home cooked food.. you meet all their needs and more !

you need to use the therapy to get you to a better place, and sadly, you have to accept pain and rage and lots of other negative emotions as part of the process

your therapist is going to give you the tools to make yourself better, there is no magic wand, it is a process that takes time

keep going!!

DS2 is in bed for his nap. I just found him looking out of the window and went up to settle him back down and give him a drink. I felt like saying he was making mummy sad that he wasn't in bed but didn't want him to think he makes mummy sad, and thinking about it while I type it sounds ridiculous. It is only a nap! He needs the sleep though otherwise he would just stay up.

It is a daft reason but it is an example of how I argue with myself about how I react to things most of the time - am I doing the right thing and how will it effect the child.

FAB

So much of what you write rings bells with me too.

I am going through very painful therapy at the moment for child abuse (sexual and emotional) and I too hate the quiet bits.

I want them to ask me questions that are relevant to help me recover, but all they seem to do is sit quietly until i come up with something to talk about and then they latch on to that. When actually that probably really isn't any use to my recovery at all.

I also worry constantly about what I say to my children. I constantly flip from thinking maybe I'm too soft to no, if I say that I will damage them emotionally.

I think I have ahd my sense of what's normal/healthy taken away so I don't know. Sometimes I feel angry with the children but don;t show it and my friend says everyone gets angry with their children! Then I worry that maybe I should get angry sometimes otherwise I'm damaging them that way and they never see angry and won;t know how to deal with it.

Have I confused you? I have me!!!

I have nearly given up many times but I think deep down I know that I have to go through this to get to where I want to be. I hope you can see the light at the end of the tunnel too.

Take care.

IMO you are very brave to even go to therapy.

I honestly see this as my last chance to get well as I have had other counselling sessions before and tbh I always feel that my experiences are too much for them to deal with as they are so different from the norm and there are so many issues.

I feel when I think about my mother. She has me down as the bad guy .

adelicatequestion - I totally get what you are saying.

Isn;t it funny how almost everything relates back to our mothers.

Mine was and still is very critical with no emotional support/knowledge.

My mission is that history will not repeat itself in my house.

Keep going FAB. I'm sure it will be worth it for all of us going through this at the moment.

It is good that you feel angry. I am having troubole feeling anything and this is a stumbling block.

Take care

It has taken many years for me to feel angry with my mother as I felt sorry for her as she didn't have a nice time with her father and step mother but now I am more angry and only a tiny but sorry for her.

I know if she was to die I would regret not having a conversation with her.

Was there anything you did to get in touch with the anger or did it jsut change over time?

My therapist is trying to get me to feel angry and deal with it.

I don't know really. Just thinking about things and feeling pretty crap.

It's great that you told the therapist you didn't like sitting there filling up the silence. I bet there are other more productive approaches she could take if you think you're getting nowhere with that one.