Am I OK?

[YummyorSlummy]

My ds is 9 months old, and to be honest I don't think I've been a good mum at all. Some days I've barely wanted to get out of bed. There were a couple of times, a few months ago, that I left him in his cot crying while I slept
He's sometimes spent entire mornings in front of the tv while I've been lied on the sofa, and not got him dressed till midday.
I'm messy, and I proscastinate about everything. I go on the internet all the time- like I'm trying to escape everything I have to do. The other week he was screaming and I shouted at him he's a difficult baby,always has been a very fretful baby who cries loudly, a lot- I think that's probably my fault for not creating a calm environment for him. He deserves so much better. I was a bit like this before I had him but thought I'd change. Is something wrong with me?

Its difficult, you want to love your child and you know he is innocently exploring the world and just wants your love and acceptance. However, there are things that he innocently does which really makes you mad! Well, I know how that feels... but I usually try to take DS out in the morning so I know he'll have fun and be ready for a nap, and then he needs some fresh air in the afternoon. Plus, days when I arrange some toys for him on the floor and really focus on him, hide away the computer and TV and just sit with him talking to him about his play - i can actually relax and enjoy being with him. Can you give it a try tomorrow??? I know I can't be the mum I want to be when my focus is not on DS - he is very demanding - but that's his right!!!

Thanks Dominique I think thats what I should be doing and I really should get out the house with him more, and when I do sit and play with his toys with him I usually do feel happy and relaxed and he seems to too. Tommorow is a busy day- I've been staying at my parents for 2 months (dh on raf detachment) and am going home on saturday so got visits to mil and dh's nanna in the morning and packing...will be better once I'm back home I'm hoping and can finally get in a routine.

Well I'm sure with everything you've got on you wont be feeling like a bad mum at all. There's times when you just HAVE to do some thing for yourself and thats the times when I find myself getting cross with my DS but usually if you're out and about everyones busy and happy. Good luck with getting into a routine, and seeing DH again?
Honestly, I know DS hates my using the computer and I get so ANGRY when he makes me lose work by turning off the computer... but its not his fault.
I just have to keep everything separate - you'll see everything needs storeage WAY out of reach. DS is 2 and will shake furniture to get things to fall down, he'll practically climb up the bookshelf to get the pens to draw on the walls - they have the capacity to really drive us MAD! Did you have a reason for posting in mental health or is it mainly self doubt in being a good parent?

Yummy or slummy- I'm sure there will be people along soon to give give advice and support like Dom07 is doing. I might be stating the obvious but could you be suffering from a mild form of PND. I'm sure you have thought of this but just in case you haven't I thought I would mention it - hope this doesn't offend you. do hope things improve for you and your little one and I'm sure they will.

Hey, it doesn't offend me it's something I've thought for a while I just thought that by 9months old if I did have it it would have gone...it was never diagnosed by health visitor - on one of the questionnaire things they do it came up with pnd score but I'd been ill that week so they said it was probably that.I just feel so tired and run down all the time but I need to make an effort.

Dominique,the main reason I posted in mental health was cos sometimes I feel like I'm going mad I think I just need a kick up the bum. My ds is also trying to climb up whatever he can pull himself up on now which usually results in a big crash to the floor so I'm constantly following around and having to remove him from the fireplace/tv/tables.... which is exhausting!

Yummyor slummy - I wondered if you maybe thought PND was something that should have gone by now but honestly this is not the case. My friend's daughter was not diagnosed till her baby was 7 months old and she had struggled in a similar way to how you describe. Health visitors vary in their approach to PND and some are more aware than others. You say you feel tired and run down all the time and this seems to be an indication that you could be mildly depressed as it is certainly a symptom. would you consider talking to a good GP or HV about your feelings. PND can last for up to 2 years (and beyond if not trated) so it may be well worth getting it checked out. There is no blood test of course or anything like that, but it may be worthwhile to make a list of your symptoms and talking to a GP or HV. Feeling overwhelmed is most definitely a symptom. You may be able to get the help you need and help you to enjoy this time with your baby more than at present.

I don't think you need "a kick up the bum" - I think you are feeling guilty because you feel the way you do (which is another symptom of depression)and need support with how you are feeling. I do speak from experience by the way as I have suffered from depression though not of the PN variety. It is a deceitful illness and makes us feel that there is something we should be doing to stop us feeling like this. Another symptom! This doesn't happen with physical illness but certainly does with emotional distress which is really what mental illness is.

With good wishes

sorry things are difficult for you,dont be so hard upon yourself.your post is very self critical.

go to your gp,discuss how you are feeling.talk about a typical day.how you feel mentally and physically

i dont want to speculate about your feelings/experience BUT pnd can be undiagnosed at 9mth. it is a very treatable illness, people do recover .

good luck

My lovely DIL had severe PND. She was so poorly. Emergency traumatic CS, ONE visit from the midwife, home after 2 days etc etc etc. I could see her 'slipping away' emotionally. This is going to sound stupid but she was obsessed with her DS - nobody else was allowed to hold him, you had to wash your hands before you went near him etc etc.

Eventually my DS dragged her to the GP. He gave her ADepressents and tablets for her severe panic attacks. Im delighted to say that my grandson is now 16 months old, my DIL has started work again, I childmind every day for her and she is no longer on any tablets.

I think it sounds like you have a bit of PND - its nothing to be ashamed of at all - go and talk to your GP or HV.

I have had 4 DS's and I dont think a day went past when I didn't feel like you have described.