Help??..what is wrong with me???...

[TheGhostOfAMushroom]

Hello,

Im hoping someone out there can give me advice, I really dont know what is wrong with me.

Somehow, I have pushed everyone close away from me, I have no friends, I have fallen out with my mother, we have always has a crap relationship, even my husband believes I am better off without her.

I have very few friends, its really hard to explain, but I dont get close to people, and I always think really negative about people. My husband says It like I put a bubble around myself and dont let people in, Im cold towards everyone I meet, I can never relax, and find it really hard hold a conversation with anyone, I cant even do small talk, its like my brain freezes when im face to face with anyone.
Im also super paranoid that everyone is out to get me, ...Im a housewife with a 18 month old and 4 yr old, I only leave the house to take and pick up dd from school, and I dread doing that, I know I should be chatting to other mums at the school, but I just cant, i panick and run, I have had to chat to some mums but im so freaked that whatever I say I sound like a twat.
When I first met my MIL, i got on so well with her, she was really easy going, i even went to work for her, and she asked me if I wanted to take over her business when she retires, ...but then i started being like I am, and our relationship turned sour, and she asked me if I wanted to carry on working for her, my head was so messed up I said no not really, and left, ..every job I have a dont know how I do it but i manage I end up leaving beacause I think they all hate me....
I am on anti-depressants, I have been feeling so shit about my life that I want to end it. Doc says theres a years waiting list for therapy .....I cant go on like this I dont know whats wrong with me or what to do...I would be grateful for any advice.

hugs to you theghost.
know what you mean about dreading talking to other mums and the run.you're not alone.i was good at it last year,but since having DS(8 1/2 months second child) i'm not.i mostly only go out too these days for runs and local walks.never was much good at socialising though and hate small talk,but you know i think it's due to being more tired now with two,so you don't feel up to talking much and also being in so much you lose your confidence at talking.talking to others though does make you feel accepted though more,so if you can adopt a tall confident pose and try to smile a lot even if you don't feel it and others may approach you more...let them do the talking and you listen,much easier especially if you get an extrovert.sorry about the crap thing going on with your mil

I too find it hard to get close to people, so much that it took a long time to get close to my (now) dh. I can't face the idea that people will learn who the "real me" is behind the facade. I don't like myself, so I don't expect other people to like me either.

Does that sound familiar at all? There is a reason that you keep yourself to yourself. What could it be?

You said that your relationship with your mother was never good, could that be something to do with it perhaps?

I would say that the very best thing you could do for yourself is counselling/therapy, but the waiting list is too long. Is there any way of having private therapy whilst on the NHS waiting list? If you are so unhappy that you don't want to carry on, then you need therapy straight away, because there must be some deep rooted reason for your unhappiness. If you were really honest with yourself, could you find what it is, whilst waiting for therapy, it could help a bit.

HTH

Thank you happyathome and twoisplenty, this is exactally how I feel!!!...i do think it has something to do with my mother, i supposes, if you have never been shown any love, how do you you know it ,to show it?????,,,,
im glad im not the only one to feel the same about some things!!!...thank you xxxxxx

Yes, that's it for me, I never saw or had any affection from either parent. It was (and still is) very difficult to show it to anyone, including unfortunately my dh. But I keep it fresh in my mind that I must try and show some warmth to people, especially my dh. Thankfully I can show it to my dc, with lots of cuddles. I am determined they will have a healthy childhood in terms of love and affection and time.

Any more thoughts on the counsellling? Another idea is a quick course on confidence building - at my local college it was free, and I thought it might help a bit. Unfortunately it was cancelled, (perhaps everyone was too shy to show up!!) but it is an idea I still have.

Hmmm. yes didnt think about the college??, ...i find its my dc that I can only show any affection towards....its weird, my dh doesnt complain about me not being lovely dovey, well i am sometimes, usually when Ive had a couple of glasses of wine...thats sad isnt it??..there doesnt seem to be any counselling in my area, closest is 20 miles away, im rather skint at the minute, petrol, childcare and the actual therapy its self would come to almost 50 quid.....im going to nag my GP though....hopefully he can get me 'seen to' sooner...thank you xx

awww hun i know exactly how you feel im exactly the same i find it so difficult to get close to people.

I dont have many friends either, and the only ones i do have are people i have met through work who dont really know much about me. I find it difficult to talk about myself to people mainly because i dont like myself very much i think sometimes i can be a horrible person and i think i come across as a hard faced bitch.

I think it probably is your relationship with your mother that has made you like this , i have a bad relationship with my dad and it affects how i am with other people.

I wish i could be more like the people i work with and just be open and talk about things. It would help so much 'a problem shared is a problem halved' but for some reason i just bottle it all up and by doing this i know im pushing the people closest to me who want to help me away