I want DH to leave but can't let him, I'm so f*cked up at the moment

[RockAndAToughPlace]

Everythings shit

I've namechanged so family members can't search my name not because I don't want my situation to be known to MNer, if you understand?

I am in pieces.

I don't know what to do.

I've lost my grandad, my uncle, I can't stop thinking about death, im terrified something will happen to someone else in my family.

I have nightmares.

I have had (untreated / undiagnosed) anxiety since i was 17, Ive been with DH since I was 15 I depend on him totally,

i love him to pieces hes my world, but hes got MH problems too only he is being seen.

I feel the best thing to do would be for us to be apart for now, I really do.

Our problems just make us angry at each other.

I feel if we coould sort ourselves out seperatly then our mar5riage could work.

But my anxiety is so bad that I cannot sleep without him in the house, I think someone is going to break in / burgal us / a fire will start etc

I can't deal with it.

I find it hard even to take DS toschool sometimes as I get red a sa beetroot and feel everyones looking at me.

DH cannot work ATM because of his problems, hes on alot of meds and having couselling so we are together 24/7

i cant go stay with my mum as theres not enough room for me and the 3 kids and its too far from school.

I feel trapped.

Theres days that I just cry all day and my illness makesme hate my life and husband when thats not how it is ay all.

Most of all I hate myself.

does DH have family he can go and stay with?

are you having meds etc?

thing is, whether you are both well or not, depending on someone else totally is not a good place to be in. you need to feel confident in yourself and self sufficient, as it is not DH;s job or anyone elses to keep you safe/happy/content, you have to be all those things in yourself first

you both need to sort out your MH problems and then you will know if you can spend the rest of your lvies together, it might be that you don't , but you both need ot be well and happy irrespective of whether you are together or not

did you go to the gp the other day, you sound depresed as well as anxious ? Can you find something you can do outside the home while dp looks after dc - to boost your confidence and have break, maybe a fitness class or short adult ed course ?

I agree,

but going about it is not that simple.

He would find somewhere to stay short term,

I want to seperate to be able to be a couple again but the thought of him not being here is terrifying,I have never handled these children alone, he has always been here,I have no idea how to be self sufficient (i dontmean financially)

but I want to be, thats one of my biggest things atm, feeling 'im not good enoguh to be their mum and im too 'crap' to be able to cope alone.'

I didn't go no,

I need to though.

I had a volunteer place liz at DS nursery but i felt itwas too much pressureon me and i stopped going,

Every problem you can thinkof

anxiety, depression, agorophobia, eating problems, sleep problems i have them all

Make the appoitnemnt adn try to prioritise what you fel needs to change and what is holdign you back. Take things in small steps. Can you explain why you stopped going, was it too much time ,circumstances or just lack of confidence ?

you must go , you really must

you must get yourself to a point where you can feel confident as a person and a parent

it is vitally important to be able to cope

you must take all the help you can get to get well

lots of people have issues with depression and anxiety, and it is treatable

if Dh is at home, you should use the time positively to get out of the hosue, to learn new skills

surestart centres are usually good places to find FOC courses and support

I felt embarressed, i felt stupid, my face goes red, there wasone person there who made me feel uncopmfatble but found out she did it to everyone but affected me more, i had palpitations on the way there, i dreaded sundays as i knrew i was there next morning,

BUT they loved me and wanted me to do an NVQ with them but I just couldn't the thought of that commitment was terrifying.

Ive quit every job ive ever had because of the same reasons

i cant interact with people,

i even sobbed before my aunts birthday party because i was so nervous (it was about 20 family memebers at her house!)

you have to get help with this

you are a young woman and you cannot live your life paralysed by anxiety

the doctor can and will help

I know,

but Ive been saying 'I know' for years haven't I?

Thanks for listening BTW

yep

but this inertia and self sabotaging is part of the illness, and that first brave big step of asking to help is going to help set you free.

do you have a sympathetic HV to talk to ?

mine was a godsend when is was in the throes of severe PND

Make a gp appointment and explain how your life is being inhibited by your issues. At the moment you are projecting it all onto your relationship with dh but his behaviour may not be the main problem, and therefore it may not simply improve if he weren't around. Is he looking for things to do out of the home to improve his chances of gettign back to work when he is ready ? Does he know how you feel ?

Perhaps volunteering was too much atm but if it gave you an insight into an opportunity for later on perhaps you can start planning ways of achieving it when your dc are older, as I say in small steps perhaps starting with a very basic course (there is one for example about how to support your child in primary school) for a few weeks.