Terrified I'm sliding...

[turtle23]

Some of you know my current situation. DH and I are splitting, DS is 17 months and DS2 due end of November.
I'm trying to blame my tiredness on anemia(which is partly true) but I am doing less and less, cancelling plans and sleeping very badly. I am trying to force myself to get out every day. Seeing DS's smiling face is the only thing keeping me going.
I find myself thinking about how much I hate my life and just wishing I didn't exist most of the time. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't ever do anything stupid because I love DS too much. But I do know that if he wasn't here (and DS2) then I would find it hard to exist.
DH thinks he is being supportive by giving me hugs and being cheerful but I just want to smack him. I want him out of this house until we can move and he wont go.
I know he is holding out hope that we may grow to like each other again. I am so tired of holding out hope, I just want to move on if that's what needs to happen.
I'm scared. I'm exhausted. I couldn't bring myself to take ADs while pregnant even if I know they're safe...I hate myself on them and I can't do it.
I know I'm not making any sense...just need to vent.

Did see this and meant to respond straight away but T being a restless little monkey.

I don't really know what to say or suggest other than speaking to your GP. Even if you don't want to take ADs now, might it be an idea to look at them for after the birth? Could you have some counselling? Keep up the reflexology, maybe try acupuncture to help with the sleep?

I can quite understand that you feel like everything is falling apart and as hard as it is to focus on your lovely little boys that is what you need to do.

Could you have a conversation with H and explain that this is it? Can you and DS share a room so that you have your own space independent of H so you don't have to sit around making small talk etc? Maybe gently point out that he should have been happy supportive and hugging you for the past two years, it's not enough to start doing it now and think everything is going to be ok. There might be a hope of saving your marriage but it's going to take a hell of a lot more than the occasional cuddle and he has shown repeatedly that he lacks the dedication to you and his family to do that at the moment.

If he is going to change then he needs to do it independently of his relationship with you, he just needs to grow up and take responsibility because it is the right thing to do.

Please, please, if there is anything I can do then let me know

Hey Turtle I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so rubbish

If you don't want to be on medication - although I can reassure you with what I was told, and I'm due a week or so before you if you want to hear it - then it might be worth going to see your GP anyway, see if they can make a referal for you to talk to someone. Its not fair on you to be feeling like this.

Even pretty sure still has a risk factor to it, and even if you don't do anything, you're such a lovely person, you deserve nothing but happiness, love and laughter at all times. You've been fantastically supportive of everyone, myself included, on the Novemeber thread.

I don't really know what to advise in reference to your H - I've never been there, so it would be futile and demeaning for me to do anything but try and sympathise. If you need to talk at all, I'm here.

Thinking of you. x

Hi Turtle. Don't blame yourself for feeling like giving up and not going out etc. I had exactly same grief reaction to my diagnosis last year, and a parallel wind up to your non-moving out DH in not being able to access the medical help i needed fast enough. i just focused as you're doing on my boys, and ground through each hour and each minute and a day added up and I took the next one when it came. I think bad times are like this and you are doing the best to get through it, just keeping going. I was also offered ADs as depression is common in RA and I was down. But I got quite angry (very healthy!) and snapped it was an understandable reactive depression I had and i just needed time to pass and help with the underlying issues. Ditto you, I think?

I also learnt to take help from others where I'd never before. Please do see if homestart can support you as they did me. You only have to stay in for them And of course, as always, we're here for you! Got to inch downstairs now. Can smell lunch catching...

I suppose I would worry more if I wasn't depressed...

nothing sensible to add, just wanted to give you a big {{{hug}}}