Stop the world I want to get on!

[FrumpyGrumpy]

(Deep breath) ok. This is going to sound like a mad rant but I'm so tight for time I've got to get this down quick or it won't happen.

Don't know where to begin and hope I won't tip anyone over the edge (!) but I feel I am going to explode. I also feel extremely angry at myself because I have a lot I should be very thankful for instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time.

I have a dd who is 4 and dts who are 10 months. I think I probably had PND after my daughter was born but I tried to block it out and just spent a lot of time at home crying when she slept. It got better when she was 18 months but I think maybe it was as much to do with feeling like I was in control again (we could chat instead of her crying, the schedule didn't feel so time pressured).

Now that seems like such a luxury because I feel the same again but have to keep up a front for her sake and when the babies sleep its my only time to do ANYTHING. I have 100 jobs on the go at anytime and nothing gets proper attention or finished. I am a screwed up neat freak too so the constant dirt and mess is driving me NUTS!

My partner is great but is away most of the week so at my worst time of day (say 4pm to kids bedtime) there's no one to dilute the feelings. My parents are great but work. I hate my MIL. We could afford to get help but I am a hands on mum who likes doing it for myself and I actually hate anyone else doing things differently from me.

I went to a herbalist and last week I had my first session with a counsellor. The herbs may or may not be working. The counsellor was fine but she didn't seem to offer me anything with any structure just a chance to chat which I'm afraid makes me want to scream that I don't want to chat about how bad I feel I want to know how to feel better!!! Is it too soon to expect any big breakthroughs?

When I'm not crying I'm angry big time and my poor kids don't deserve that. Usually angry first and tears after. Sometimes I have to cry in the cupboard because I have no time to fit it into my day. I'm bloody minded and stubborn and don't want to take a bottle of ADs because I feel its not the answer. I also know my doc and the girls on the desk so its not easy. (I'm fully supportive of those who do take them though).

I feel trapped. I feel suffocated with responsibilities and jobs to do. I hate doing it alone but I don't want help. I feel guilty for not being more of a mum. My babies are sleeping and my DD is lolling about beside me not knowing what to do with herself and instead of playing I'm whingeing online boring the knickers off the world. I feel she is suffering because once the PND went last time I was a great mum and we did fab stuff together (swimming, duck pond, gym class, music, painted, library then had lunch in a cafe and read the books, sometimes we just watched TV snuggled up together). Now those days are soooo gone and I miss them massively. She does too. I am soooo sad and crying right now and I don't know what to do anymore. Its the same as before but harder and the stakes higher and life busier.

Trying everything and nothing working. Take time out when I can but its like a pee in a pool, feel like a bloody zombie and look like a scarecrow.

Oh yeah, used to be reasonably relaxed, smilely and had the hairs ripped from my legs once in a while so I felt like a WOOOMAN. Sometimes I filed my nails and even PAINTED THEM!! Occasionally I even treated the world to no upper lip hair. Maybe thats whats wrong, I just need to 'find' myself under the hair. .

Anyone with counselling experiences to share? Any thoughts on my refusal to take ADs? What will I do? Am I a nut job or ill?

I just read this and I look soooo neurotic in type. I wish you knew me better .

Remember you got over it before. Remember life was tough with one baby and now you've got two at the same time, plus your dd - but it will get easier. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to cope with the now. You know that things will change and you will have the opportunity to get back on to the world again.

Your dd is actually learning an important lesson right now - how to deal with boredom. It is very important because she will end up a more resourceful, open-minded and happier person if she isn't constantly catered for, but has to find her own entertainment from time to time.

You're not whinging - it is tough for you right now. Persevere with the counselling - at the very least the chance to get things off your chest is worthwhile.

Something I found very helpful when I was recovering from PND, and to help prevent PND the second time, was to think "What do I want to happen" rather than what I didn't want, and then to decide what I needed to do to make that happen. It often it means that the dishes don't get done until after the children have gone to bed, but that means that I get a little extra time to myself or to them.

Give yourself a chance. Reward yourself - even getting all four of you dressed and out in the morning is an achievement at this stage, to be on time as well is fantastic.

Maybe you ought to get a cleaner or helper of some sort, even only for a few hours a week, just to take the pressure of the to-do list off you for a few months. It's your home and you can dictate how things are done there.

Thanks PrettyCandles, your wise words like oil on water. I feel I am hanging on by a thread day to day with frustration boiling away inside. Got appointment with the counsellor again on Friday 10th so i will try to go with some of these thoughts in mind instead of just chatting willy nilly. Will try your 'what do I want to happen'. It is the positive train of thought I should be on. The worst time is when I'm spiralling downwards and know what I want to happen but can't reach it. Ends up with me barking at my dd who is a peach and I worry about that. Ah, no rain no rainbow I guess. Thanks.

I feel for you FG and now I also feel guilty as I only have one DS!!!! How do you cope? Ive probably spent the last couple of weeks just crying myself to sleep...and apart from worrying about DS (has some kind of bowel prob) I have a lot to be grateful for too, nice home, partner etc...but it dosent help, I know how you feel. I too am a clean freak but have had to really force myself to be more relaxed! I envy the people who can just trip through life not worrying about the dust under the sofa or if the pictures are straight! try and read or watch something that makes you laugh when you feel like crap! I sat and watched fawlty towers the other night and felt a lot better afterwards. My mum lives in Spain, she occasionally comes over but only stays for a few days, tells me what Im doing wrong, and to pull myself together, then buggers off again. Im not keen on my MIL....and I could moan all night, but I wont bore you.....but its bloody hard sometimes isn't it..I wouldn't want to take AD's either and have never admitted to anyone that I find it hard to cope so haven't had counselling. anyway HUGS to you and chin up.

If you can't bear to get a cleaner in but can afford it how about using the money to put the dts into nursery for a while each week. You could then spend that time having some one to one with your dd and perhaps doing some of the housework?

things will change

children grow up every day and in the blink of an eye they are at school all day

cherish every moment - you never know what is around the corner

get a cleaner and put up with the fact that she will not be as good at it as you

enjoy your children while you can

Spongebob, thanks honey. I'm sorry you don't find your mum more supportive, its not about pulling yourself together is it. So glad I'm not the only nutter that bothers about under the couch, we gotta have somewhere nice to crawl when it gets too much eh!

Katemum, I'm ashamed to say they already go one day a week and I still struggle. That's new though so maybe in time....

ATM, you make sense, if I can only get it through the shell. You sound like you've been there.

Nite all.

Haven't got time to post much, but please don't be resistant to Anti - Depressants. You sound like me before ADs, now I'm on them my children are getting a better deal because I am not so up and down all the time. I have infinitely more patience, and I am much more content.
Sometimes medication is the answer - at least short to medium term.

Genuine question - why don't you want to take ADs out of curiousity?

If you can afford it, put your dts in the nursery for 2 days a week and on one of those days, send your dd to nursery too.

This will give you one clear day a week for you, and one clear day a week for you and dd.

HTH.

What a wonderful way you have with words, FG: "No rain, no rainbow" I shall remember that .

I remember the spiral. In fact, I can't believe that I had forgotten it until you mentioned it. But there you are - it does pass and then you look back at it and it is like the memory of a bad dream. But unlike a bad dream you can take good things from it to help you on with your life.

God, the spiral. Vicious. When you're in the spiral it's very difficult to be constructive and pull yourself out of it alone. That's why you need support - practical (nursery, cleaner, etc) and emotional (counseling, etc). Sometimes you need to break things down into very little pieces, and ruthlessly chuck away what doesn't fit or gets in the way.

When you're feeling good, dig into your memory, use photo albums or whatever to help you, and choose a wonderful experience to remember. Then go into it in great detail, remember the smells, what you wore, the textures, what you did. The more detail the better, and the more senses it involves the better. Rehearse that memory often, until you can bring it up and go right into it in all its sensory detail. Then, when things close in on you, and you can't think your way out of them, go back into that memory, again in detail, feeling, seeing, smelling, tasting everything. Take your time - as long as you need (not as long as you guiltily allow yourself, but as long as you need). It lifts the spirits wonderfully, and reminds you that there is another aspect to your life that you will regain.

BTW, I refused ADs as well, though I did self-medicate with kavakava. Are you taking a good mulit-vit and mineral supplement? Also fish-oils and/or Evening Primrose oils. Being run down emotionaly can be linked to being run-down physically.

assumedname's idea is excellent. My 2yo dd goes to nursery 3 mornings, my 4yo ds goes for 2 full days, arranged so that I have one morning with my son and two mornings alone. Luxury! And ds blossoms on the undivided attention.