Right I'm off to the GP tomorrow

[sadminster]

I'm seriously depressed & extremely anxious.

I can't eat (lost 40lbs in last 6 weeks), can't sleep (wake at 3am every morning in a complete panic - I'm having full on panic attacks 3 or 4 times a week), have no concentration or memory, I have IBS, I cry constantly & have no hope at all for the future. HV did some depression scale & I came out severely depressed.

Three months ago I was coping - then I had dd2 (fabulous but very difficult baby after a horrendous pregnancy & I'm still grieving the loss of our little boy at 17 weeks a year ago) and then my ds was diagnosed with a severe language disorder (basically non verbal at 3 years) which has turned into autism.

My life has disintegrated. We're getting no support re my son - I am totally lost & terrified for him.

What should I ask the GP for - I need to be strong for my children & I am not atm.

oh & we are up shit creek financially after dh was made redundant then had to take a 50% pay cut - he is under huge pressure, his employers are awful.

The therapy we're trying to organise for our ds is extremely expensive & not working very well ... our marriage is under massive pressure (we don't even sleep together - I'm up & down with the baby all night & dh is in with ds who gets extremely distressed at night on his own).

I often think it would be much easier (for me) to be dead but everyone else would suffer so I'm still here.

oh sadminster I'm so so sorry that you are suffering as you are and it is absolutely understandable that you feel so down with everything that's going on in your life. To say that you have a lot of your plate would be such an understatement.... I'm sorry I don't have much practical advice but as I've recently gained so much support from mumsnet, I didn't want you to think noone is here to support you.

I think the GP will be able to make an assessment of what you need medication wise based on the information you give them. I would recommend writing down everything you are feeling so that can even just hand your piece of paper over if you feel you can't face reading them out.... I did this when I went to see my GP for PND.

So you only had your dd 3 months ago? That is a very short time ago... I was completely immersed in a very depressed state until my dd was 4 months so I know how bad you can feel. Are you breastfeeding and if so, would you consider maybe giving a bottle at night? I breastfed for 11 months but used to give my dd a bottle at 10pm (and sometimes in the night) to give me a bit of a rest.

Is there anywhere you can gain any kind of practical support? you really do need some help right now, any friends or family members who could do anything?

Of course you and your dh are under huge strain and I hope you can come through your situation together...

I am so sorry that you lost your ds as such a young ago. I have a very good friend who lost her little boy at a similar age so I can see how devastating it can be.

thoughts with you and please try to get some support if you can. x

and please remember that you would never be better off dead, that is the depression talking. I know all too well that is how you feel when suffering but that is never the solution. You are doing the best you can an extremely difficult situation. xxx

Rones, thanks for replying. I feel so totally alone. Have an appointment at 11 this morning, don't know what to say I just want someone to help me feel stronger.

Our son died when I was 17 weeks pregnant (a late miscarriage I guess), I didn't mean to suggest that I'd had a neonatal loss

I need something that's okay to take while breastfeeding. I don't have time for counselling ... there's a 9 month wait here anyway. God this is crap.

I wish you well going to the GP at 11am. I hope they can push you to the top of the waiting list for counselling/therapy. I have a disabled ds, so I can relate a little to feeling overwhelmed and at a loss. Medication can work really well at calming you down, so please don't hesitate in taking what the doctor offers.

And please keep posting, it really helps, you are not alone.

I sometimes post here in the early hours when I can't sleep, and it's wonderful to have someone to talk to.

I have paroxetine which is good for anxiety I think. I'm seeing GP again in 2 wks & they are chasing counsellor for me.

I want the desperate urge to not be here to go.

Cried at the GP, cried in the pharmacy, cried all the way home.

Now I need to pull myself together & start sorting things out for ds.

Excellent start - very pleased the GP is sorting out counselling.

You do not need to pull yourself together. Be kind to yourself, and take your time with things. Plenty of slow deep breaths, and lots of kind "self talk" (you know, the little voice in your mind), such as "I am doing so well", "I am feeling calm" etc, to help you achieve these aims. I'm sure you can think of more sayings to tell yourself?

When I fall to pieces, I cry in the bathroom, take a deep breath, then re-emerge calmer. I may have to go to the bathroom a lot on these days! But it's an escape. I'm sure the bedroom would be a nicer escape, but that's not where the tissue paper for tears belongs!

Thinking of you sadminster. I also suffer from panic attacks and am back on meds which are helping.
I hope your meds kick in soon and you start to feel brighter.
Agree be kind to yourself.
I also cry in the bathroom, the bath usually.
Hope you get your counselling soon x

feel awful - very sick & so tense it feels like my head is going to explode.

Have you taken a pill yet?
I get the full head feeling it's bloody awful

Can anyone massage your shoulders and neck? Usually it's tensing the muscles that causes it for me. Is there a way you can have a nice relaxing bath with candles, music? Can you afford to have reiki, a massage or anything that will relax you?

Really feel for you, keep posting you're not alone. It's so disabling isn't it?

I think you should be getting some help at home, have you thought of this? Some colleges send out trainee nursery nurses. And isn't there something called homestart? Not sure what that is but I really think you deserve help.

Homestart

I knew it wasn't my imagination Thanks madeupsurname.

we're in the homestart waiting list, we do have an hour a week of portage & ds has one day with a CM but that's it.

Sure I'm getting side effects from the paroxetine - I'm really drowsy & can't stop yawning, also headache & tingles in arms - feels a bit like being drunk. Hopefully it'll pass within a few days.

The anxiety is horrendous.

Sorry the anxiety is still horrendous. I've just upped my meds to 20mg and last night felt weird in bed, like cold but also as if you've just been scolded? I've been on these meds before and know they're ok once they kick in.

How are you today? Hope you hear from homestart soon.

Really feel for you it's not easy.

How are you doing?

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