Suicidal thoughts - are they 'normal'?

[DownandUp]

I am just entering my third trimester. it has been tough for one reason and another (health and personal). DH and I have argued lots and I have not felt excited by this pg very much. I get moments of excitement, then I get huge bouts of fear, fear that it is the wrong choice (2nd pg), fear that I have done DD an injustice by not giving her my 100% attention any more. Fear I will be a bad mum, fear that this pregnancy and other personal issues have damaged DH and I relationship and we cannot get it back to where it was before.

My emotions have been like a rollercoaster up and down and up and down, really quite eratic and I have often had thoughts, only vague of just walking away. No plans, no ideas where I would go.

Yesterday, DH and I argued again. About not very much, which is worse as it means the arguing is so intrenched I do not no how to stop it now. I went to lie down/cry and lay there idly mind wondering.

Then a very real, very calm, very 'rational' feeling popped into my head and it made sense, even if just for a fleeting moment. I thought I fancied a drive, just get away. And then I thought how DH and DD would be better off without this miserable wreck who has turned into a horrible, moany, angry old woman. I thought about just driving the car, and driving and driving it into a river. I thought that the baby would not know any different, and I did not feel too upset about the fact I would be killing myself and my baby. I did not even think of it as killing, just ending.

And then my DD called for me and I realised what it was I was thinking and how I could never leave her, and that I did want this baby, and I would not give up, and then I felt so terrible for this thought even popping into my head, that I would even consider leaving my baby girl. And it has prayed on my mind.

I would not do it, I do not want to do it, I do not know why I thought it, but for the time I did, it felt a very real and appropriate course of action.

Is this ever normal, or does it signify some seriously wrong with my mental health?

I am not normally suicidal, not had these kind of thoughts before, never suffered from depression before (perhaps a little from stress at times of seriously stressful events, but even then its affected my sleep rather than in this manner). I do not know where this came from.

BTW I am a regular poster, namechanged due to sensitivity or subject, and in case DH ever reads my posts. He does not know I felt this way. He would be extremely angry with me and I don't want any more fighting.

If you figure out who I am, please don't out me. thank you

anyone?

I have never experienced ante natal depression so I can't offer practical advice. I have experienced severe postnatal depression.

If I was you I would talk to your midwife. If necessary she can refer you for help.

Downandup, I think suicidal thoughts are very common but if this is out of character for you then I'd speak to someone about it.

Generally when assessing suicide risk professionals would ask about suicidal thoughts, whether specific plans have been made and whether the person has any intent to carry out the plans. They would also look at issues such as whether a person feels hopeless about the future and what 'protective' factors are in place (for example religious beliefs, children/family etc).

These thoughts haven't appeared out of nowhere and seem to be in the context and lots of anxiety and worries-see your GP and ask for some support if you can.

I spoke to my therapist about this some time ago. She said not to worry about the thoughts as long as you can recognise them as irrational and they are just a fleeting moment.

Contemplating suicide at any time is not a good sign. Do you have a good relationship with either your doctor or your midwife? I really think you should talk to them, even if its just to make them aware about how you're feeling. I went back on my ADs recently, and my midwife has been absolutely amazing. I'm still having suicidal thoughts and desires, but even just saying it aloud to someone, especially someone who is looking out for the well being of my baby, eased the guilt that followed them.

I hope you feel better soon. x

Downandup, I agree with everyone else's replies. I just wanted to add that sometimes, when such a thought about suicide enters my head, it's not because I have any intention of doing anything, because I couldn't leave my family, and I don't actually want to die. It's more to do with the need to escape from the awful situation I feel I am in. I sometimes also think about running out of the house, and away. Again, it's just a thought. And it means that I feel stuck in a bad situation with no escape.

Thoughts are just that. But it's a strong reminder to do something positive, to put life back in balance.

So what I have done instead, is to see my GP, who has given me meds, then I have started counselling sessions.

Please don't put too much emphasis into your thoughts, or be frightened about them, but let them guide you to do something positive.

I guess it goes without saying that if these thoughts become more intense or overwhelming, then please pick up the phone to the GP, and don't be ashamed of doing that.

I really hope things improve for you. Life can be so tough, but there is help out there to make things easier.