Really feel like i just cant go on - please talk to me

[terrier141]

Have suffered on and off with depression since about 18 (am 33 now), really struggle with it and it ruins everything that is good in my life.
At the moment i have been denying for a really long time that it has got a hold on me again, because we are trying for a baby (yes a totally ridiculous idea - given the current state of my mind - and one I think I will have to give up on - been ttc for 18mths), really havent wanted to go back on AD's.
I know im hell to live with - my dh is scared to say the wrong thing, i snap at the kids and anyone else who happens to be there at the wrong time.
I cry all the time, at the most ridiculous things, hate the complicated life I lead and just want to run away from it all.
Was just gonna get in the car with my kids and wherever the fuel ran out was where i was gonna start my new life.

Have just been totally slated when asked for (unrelated) advice on the step-parenting thread - which has made me feel like me and my kids are spongers and have no right to expect anything because I married a man who earns more than me and helps to support my kids. The replies reduced me to tears and (yet again) feeling that I should leave my (lovely) husband because we are a burden to him.

I have given up a potentially great career and feel totally useless and worthless.

I will make an apt with gp and admit defeat, get the ad's and stop ttc, but really cant live my life like this - its rubbish for everyone, esp my dh and kids.

Telling my husband I have depression (again) is like telling him i have committed murder - he sees it as a terrible failing and i really cant cope with him seeing me failing in something again.
When he was drunk he told me what i think are his true views on my depression, giving up my training and job because of it (i do work part time now), and the fact that he provides for me and my kids - so the nasty responses on my other thread have now compounded how I already feel.

I haven't seen your other thread, but wanted to send you some hugs. I think you are doing the right thing going to your GP.

You've been through this before, so you know it makes everything seem much worse than it is, and so much harder to deal with. It has to be hard for your husband too, and the things he said are probably jsut his way of venting his feelings, and he was drunk. We all say things we don't mean when drunk and stressed.

Don't blame yourself. Some people are jsut prone to it. It seems to run in my family, and I've been through it twice. You are doing absolutely the right thing in recognising the symptoms and seeking treatment. Make the appointment asap, and keep chatting.

Thanks - it runs in our family too - feel like we are cursed. Its always hanging over me - waiting to bite when I not watching. Dont you think though that when you are drunk your inhibitions are gone and you feel able to say what you really think? Believing that this is how he truly feels is tearing me apart. Feel like I have dragged him into my mess of a life and am expecting him to pick up the pieces. How do I get him to understand that depression is an illness and not a crime?

I have lost all confidence and self esteem, this has been since going through a really awful marriage and even worse divorce - we are still fighting 6 years on which I hate.

I get real panic attacks when driving, cant even attempt motorways of long distances, cant overtake lorries or drive at night - its ridiculous - i passed my test at 17 and used to be able to drive anywhere - have just got no confidence and its making me a really scary driver!

Personally, I think it depends how drunk you get. A few drinks might well relax inhibitions, but as you say, he was drunk, and that can lead to saying all sorts. I think jsut about everyone has said or done something they regret while drunk.

The thing that really helped me understand depression for myself was the GP explaining that it is caused by a chemical imbalance, and ADs rectify that balance. That helped me see it as a medical illness rather than a weakness or failing. Would he go to the GP with you?

He probably would go to gp with me if I asked, so that might help. It depends what gp we saw though as some of them are so crap with depression. Think I will have to wait to see the gp I know will be the best. I have tried to explain the chemical imbalance thing - and also suggesting that its just like when you treat diabetes with insulin for example. I think that societies views and lack of knowledge and understanding of depression really dont help - not much we can do about that i guess.

It is horrible to get out of a shitty marriage and then still have to deal with it all, even when in theory things are supposed to have moved on. It can bring all the old feelings back, and affect your self esteem no end.

Can you put some distance between you and your exp? If he is having access to the kids, can someone else be there to hand them over, and collect them? Set some ground rules, and stick to them, so there isn't issues to argue about?

Have you tried rescue remedy for driving? That stuff got me through my test! If you can avoid iut a bit, and stick to driving how and when you feel comfortable, I'd leave for a bit, rather than put too much pressure on yourself, on top of everything else.

You need to deal with things one step at a time, you can't tackle everything at once, it is too much. I think trying to deal with anything while ill with depression can be too much!

first thing is to get treatment, then when that kicks in and you feel more like yourself again, you can start working on everything else.

I can see from your posts terrier that your depression is colouring your view on everything. I do think you need to see your gp and get some treatment. Have you been or any kind of couselling? This could help with your panic and loss of confidence.
I really feel for you because depression infiltrates every part of your life and makes everything so pointless.
Please do get some help.
In regards to your dh - do keep talking to him. He has to understand but he also needs to vent his frustration at having to cope with your illness. It is hard for him too.
Hope you are feeling better soon.

Quite a good video here to demonstrate how it is biological and not anything else.

Thanks - the arguing with my ex is very difficult to manage. He see the kids every other (when he can actually be bothered) weekend - his mum collects them and drops them back to me - so there is no actual face to face contact with ex. I actually havent seen him for over 3 years now (the last time we were in court). However, every now and again (more recently) he has taken to phoning me (i havent even got a fone number for him btw!). He makes ridiculous comments like "you have stopped me from working!", then goes on to explain his reasoning behind this is that if he works then he will have to pay maintainence for OUR children! He also says the kids cant do their activities when they are with him (my ds plays for a local football team and games are every Sun). I try (calmly) to explain that I dont agree, and it ends with him swearing and shouting at me. Then he says he doesnt want to communicate with me because i make his blood boil - so I say "well why have you bloody rung me then (less calmly!)", and then spend the rest of the day spitting fire about the whole thing!
I wrote him a letter recently asking that we call a truce and communicate sensibly for the sake of our children, I suggested mediation or family group conferencing - my letter was simply ignored - not even a response.
The kids hate going there because him and his new wife spend the whole time arguing about me and the kids! (why i dont know!), she throws him out on a regular basis.
His new wife is also very bizarre and resents my kids with a passion. She sent me emails asking me to send "spending money" with my children when they visit their dad as she doesnt want tp spend "her kids money" on them - the whole family live on benefits btw - and ex pays no maintainence for our kids. He has told me he never will and its been over 6 years so far.
I just want the fighting to end - its been over 6 years, we are both married again, and i just dont see what we are fighting over. It causes lots of stress.

Terrier, my heart goes out to you and I so understand what you're going through. I've suffered with depression for many years and it is mostly under control with medication but life makes it so hard to cope sometimes doesn't it.

Your last post was very illuminating and seems to explain a lot about why you are feeling the way you do.

I have an ex who is making my life hell every single day and I am exhausted, laid low and incredibly angry most of the time. I spent the whole of yesterday lying on the sofa unable to do much of anything.

It sounds as though you may have suffered some kind of abuse from your ex when you were together if his current behaviour is anything to go by. I noticed the blame game which is so debilitating over time - him blaming you for not being able to work - so twisted.

Do not underestimate the effect of this kind of crap on your life now and how it shaped you in the past. I too often have that feeling that I'm going to get in the car with the kids and just disappear because I can't cope with life sometimes.

Can you get yourself some counselling to try to deal with some of this stuff? Most of all, be kind to yourself and try not to be angry with yourself - it seems you may have been through a very hard time and this takes its toll.

Thinking of you and take care of yourself as much as you can.

Terrier I can't add any other nuggets of advice that other posters haven't already mentioned, but I couldn't ignore this thread.

Just want to let you know I have battled the dark dog of depression for 20 years and I understand how you feel. Those dark days are awful and can go on forever and blacken everything. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's nothing to do with you as a person, it's an illness. Don't be so hard on yourself. You sound an amazing lady. You are not alone

Look after and be kind to yourself.

thansk for all your kind words of support - it really helps just to know that Im not on my own.xx