I keep getting sick and panicky and crying about Baby P - I know it isnt normal but I am & need help

[ifthatphoneringsonemoretime]

namechanged etc

When the whole Baby P thing first came in the news I purposefully did not read the newspapers about it as I knew I wouldnt be able to handle the details. I am empathetic to a fault and really internalise stuff like this and many other issues.

I have maintained my rule of not reading much about the case etc as I already knew my heartbreak wasnt going to change anything for the poor child and yet it could have a really harmful impact on me.

Anyway it is pretty impossible to avoid it totally and I have seen enough snippets & heard enough people talk at work that some of the horrific details have been filled in my mind.

I am finding the terror of it and the agony of a little child going through that almost impossible to shut out. I am crying in the night, feeling sick to my stomach etc. I have moments all my life where it feels like I am literally feeling the emotions of other people and this has hit me big. And if I could somehow make it better for poor Baby P by feeling this for him I would have done in a heartbeat but as it is it is doing no one any good.

I just wish I could stop all this madness in the world. But of course I cant. But I am really torn up and feeling all these terrible things & I just cant get it to go away.

How do I move on and how can I stop myself being so empathetic? Trust me I am in no way at all comparing my pain to his at all the whole point is I am intensely aware of the agony his little life was in and I am helpless. But my own mental health is taking a blow from it too and I just dont think that is good either. So what can I do to stop being like this horrible emotional sponge?

I would worry more about anyone who wasn't deeply disturbed by this case and others like it.

this case was shocking, of course it was.

i wouldnt say i was deeply disturbed by it.
I feel its somewhat (wait for the word) disingenuous to feel so deeply disturbed by one case - that the media picked on

when there are equally appaulling cases going on all over the world

what's as disturbing to me is that baby P's mother was a baby P herself, who happened to survive the abuse.

expat, i knew that would be the case even before it was confirmed.

Abuse/neglect is always on a continuem,(sp) it rarely occurs in isolation. The problem is how to tackle it, as the parent(s)own unresolved childhood issues often don't come to light until they have a child, which is very often the 'trigger' for causing the parent(s) own childhood traumas to resurface, although they often remain in the subconscious area of the mind/memory. If the parent(s) childhood traumas permeate into the conscious mind, it is unlikely that the parent would inflict the same trauma onto their own child. It is when the memories remain subconscious that they act as a hidden 'driver' for the parent(s) behaviour towards their own child.

If you are interested Alice Miller explains all of this in much more detail on her website which you can find by googling.

Agree with dittany. It's rare that we are given such minute and horrific detail in broadsheet newspapers and on national television. I feel like it's been in my face this week and it does disturb me, deeply. Just because other horrors go on around the world doesn't make this one any less horrific.

expat/oneplusone - I also wasn't surprised in the slightest that this poor little boy's mother was an abused child, either. It had to have taken an exceptionally damaged, person indeed to stand by and let this sort of abuse happen to a baby.

God knows what went wrong with the two men involved in this case. Severe mental illness? Extremely nasty upbringings themselves?

MrsM, because the mother was abused herself she would have attracted/been attracted to emotionally 'unhealthy' and damaged partners. And there you have it, the 3 of them created the perfect conditions in which to continue the cycle of abuse.

Perhaps every couple expecting a child, especially their first child, should, gently, be questioned/interviewed about their own childhoods and depending on their answers they should be provided with appropriate help/support/guidance/counselling to at least begin to resolve their own issues in order that they are not re-visited upon their own children. But of course this would take enormous resources to do and so will never even be considered by the NHS.

OP it's great that you have recognised that you are overly fixated on this case, and also that upsetting yourself is not going to solve anything.

I am never happy with the suggestion that a person should snap out of something, or told to merely consider that equally bad/worse things happen elsewhere. Everyone has something that pushes their buttons, and if you haven't found what pushes yours yet, that's down to luck rather than character.

However, if this isn't going away for you, you need to look at why this resonates with you so much. I'm not suggesting that you are about to uncover some repressed abuse memory or something - more that this might have something useful to tell you about your own fears and anxieties. Looking at what precisely it is that you are frightened of might offer you a good resource for dealing with anxiety in the future. Good luck.

I sympathise with the OP. This is a vile case and deeply affecting. I have to admit to sympathising with Custy's view as well.

I found the coverage of the death of Peter Connonly vile. Not because the crime was so abhorrant (of course it was) but because it appeared to me to be entirely designed to sell newspapers and cared little for the real people involved.

The fact that the Scum put up a headstone to the child appalled me. This child IS NOT public property. He did have family that loved him and his death and details have been smeared across the world for entertainment value. I do not believe that the media cared about this boy.

The fact that the surviving children have now been pretty much identified because the public feel they have a RIGHT to know every detail of the murderers sickens me.

It is no wonder that the OP feels this way. The vile details of this case have been shoved down our throats WHY? Because it will change what happens in the future? Will it feck! It is tragitainment at its worst with no consideration for the family and those who did love this little boy (including his traumatised siblings).

And the image of Peter? Why is it THAT picture of a smiling, angelic, pretty, blue eyed blonde boy and not one of the many ones that showed the TRUE side of neglect? Because the media wanted to ramp up the sob factor! Of course you good, caring parents can look at THAT picture and see your lovely kids. Showing a picture of a dirty, smelly, not so attractive little boy would not elicit the same response. Not because you lot dont care but because it is human nature to be drawn to children that remind you of your own.

I hope that the OP can find a way through this. I dont want to be harsh because I DO understand the sentiments but this is NOT your story or your tradgedy and no good will come of allowing this to carry on.

We all MUST feel pain for this child and the thousands involved in the far more mundane, day to day neglect and abuse that is happening all around us.

I have a beautiful little boy who is struggling to cope with the affects of the neglect inflicted on him and it angers me every day. It has made me determined never to allow a child that i have contact with slip throught the system.

I remember the Jamie Bulger case very clearly. From the day I heard witnesses say they saw him being led away and thought something wasnt right, but didnt do anything (for understandable reasons)I swore I would never be in that postition.

OP if you can do one thing, you can do that. Never be the one to stand back and do nothing.

But despite my rantings I do hope that you can pull yourself out of this.

My first deleted MN post! Agree wholeheartedly with Smallwhitecate. Never dish out what you can't take, and think how you word your posts.

The detail that the media has gone into in this case (and others, like the Jamie Bulger case) has given us access to information that would have normally only been available to professionals who were/are trained to deal with this kind of thing. Now we're all faced with this, and whilst the most sensible thing to do is to switch it off or not read it, sometimes a bit of information does get through and you're left with the horror and the revulsion. Some people deal with it in a more detached way and others take it on board - neither should be dismissed.

I agree with Chegirl - never stand back and do nothing. On a personal note, I reported a very sad case some months ago to my HV for advice - she told me that she would do something about it. The people involved then moved locally, and through a friend who's friend is a social worker I heard that they had been reported AGAIN, this time to social workers, and apparently there was no record on file of any report being made to the HV or of the time the ambulance had to be called. The SW's visited, but told the parents in advance of their visit. Apparently, all was seen to be normal and no further action has been recommended.

The whole thing is making me feel physically sick - what is something happens to these children, why are the authorities not sharing information, why did the SW's advise the parents in advance of the visit and why are so many people's concerns being ignored?

Phew. Right I've been reading but not posting because I wasnt sure how I wanted to reply. I am carefully phrasing this because for personal reasons I do not want to out myself, including the DM column.

Custy, your comments are offensive. You assumed I am a bleater who needs to pull her socks up and you are not only wrong, but harsh and hurtful.

The assumption that I dont do anything to help children like this and the world in general is wrong as well. I do, in my career, but for personal reasons I did not want to state what I do. And actually I am aware of all the horrible things that go on in the world and I do work every day to do whatever I can to improve things. Both on a raising awareness level and also by standing up and reporting when I have witnessed some pretty harsh child abuse to a child who goes to my DC's school.

I posted this in the main because I am so hurt and I want to find a way to filter the terrible pain out a bit so I dont end up sobbing at night and feeling like I have been kicked in the stomach. It isnt that I sadly think Peter is terribly unique given the whole world's worth of children but that the details have been so branded on my mind I am not getting enough peace from them for my own mental health.

Thank you to all the very lovely posters who have not been as harsh as Custy. Custy your response, and in the mental health topic, was totally out of line. Nothing in my OP deserved the scorn & nastiness you replied with. I think some posters on MN think it makes them a bit special and a bit hard to prance about calling a spade a spade no matter what - it just makes you look mean spirited. There is no need to kick someone when they are down if you are all that lofty.

okey cokey

And still no apology...?

for?

will i get an apology fro you?

or swc?

i haven't posted anything personal to either of you and you have been two of the nastiest posters i have had the misfortune to come across.

i took on board what laurie said about people being alloowed self pity if posted in mental health. and said so

your stance however seems to be less about the op and more about having a pop at me. which you aren't particularly good at.

excellent post, chegirl.

Nope, didn't think so. Oh well.

Fortunately there have been plenty of others who have been less harsh, more empathetic and more constructive, and I hope that IfThatPhone takes away something positive (as much as is possible, given the topic) and finds some way to cope.

none from you either - get down from up there

Move along now

paolo - 7 posts.

2 related to actual op

some people just seem to feel others pain more than others, it doesn't mean that they care more or that others don't care, just that they are more sensitive to it and take it on as their own pain/experience

op hopefully this will pass for you soon, try to remember that it is all over now, he can never be hurt again and his abusers are where they should be

custy, I don't think you should apologise but hopefully you do realise that not everybody is able to just disengage from a situation/information like this, I am sure the OP would if she could. I appreciate that you might be able too but I can't see how you thought your posts might help her

You actually counted? LOL!!

OP I agree with you I think (from personal experience) that when a terrible news story grips hold of you like this, ie gets in the way of your normal life, it isn't "normal" and you are right to recognise this. I would keep an eye on yourself for the next week or so, avoid papers, TV news etc, just stay away from anything that might be a trigger. Think happy thoughts.
If you are still feeling like this in a fortnight's time, go see the GP.
Two news stories have had this effect on me, and both were harbingers of depressive episodes. If you're feeling low to start with, something like this can tip you over, so watch yourself. (I think it's wonderful that some people have never experienced this -- good luck to them. It ain't fun.)