Feel really low today. Anyone around who knows me (Threadworm)?

[Threadworm]

Feeling reaaly really bleak, so the point of crying in front of the children. Everything seems desparately, catastrophically awful. I feel I am failing to give thm a good summer, a good childhood like I am just not fit to raise them. And have had work problems too perhaps just ordinary stuff, but to me seems like I am just not doing the job well enough and that clients hate me and complain about me in private.

I don't know what to do, or what I want from posting. Probably just want some distraction. I am too much for family to deal with right now-- too much static negativity. I know this is very indulgent, very self-absorbed, but I just feel so trapped in myself and so utterly awful. There doesn't sem to be anywhere to get out to.

Threadworm I'm so sorry you're struggling. Have some really really huge hugs, hun. x x

Thready, I am also really sorry that you are having such a shit time. You are so lovely.

This may not help but it is my strategy for being a Good Mummy during the summer: Every time the children do something even VAGUELY nice, or are laughing, I take a photo. At the end of the summer, I put all these photos into a book (I use Bonusprint who do cheap photo books) called e.g. OUR SUMMER 2009 with some narrative "We went the beach and built a sandcastle with granny" / "We watched the sea from the caravan and ate maltesers all day" etc.

My THEORY is that this fantastic tome of loveliness will gradually replace all the children's memories of me being a shit mother during the summer, and they will think it was an idyll of blackberry picking, joyous laughing, beaches and Enjoyable Things.

Now I'm not sure if this will work of course but it does help to balance out the shit stuff, which can dominate one's own memories of events.

I don't know if this helps, or seems enormously complicated or barking, but I thought I would suggest it anyway.

I am thinking of you. XXXX

Do go to the doc Threadworm. If you feel the ADs have helped in the past, perhaps you need the dose changed or another type. It's always worth trying them, especially if you've had success in the past. They can also refer you for counselling if need be - it can feel a huge weight off your shoulders just having someone to talk to (who is not involved in your life iyswim).

Hi
Could you have oestrogen dominance? Google it to find out. Your symptoms sound very similar to what i was experiencing. I went on 3 lots of AD which did nothing for me. I use serenity cream which you can get on the internet only. It has worked a miricle on me. If you feel worse when your period is due, it could well be OD. Best of luck

Thanks very much to all. I don't know what to say, really, because posting stuff like this afternoon's is ... well it is really just the non-arrestable version of running out into the street and screaming. The words, the questions, the analysis, are just necessary conventions, because chat forums don't work without them. It is really just a howl. I don't know what words to use now except to say thank you for your support. I will go to docs: I think I have to take pills. It is crap though. Childcare I have to keep up with. Have already begged from dh a week alone, which made me feel better for a while. And now I have to plough on and let dh work. I know I am way luckier than huge numbers on MN and have no real probs except state of mind -- but that is just screamingly awful now.

Growing -- so sorry your dad is still so ill.

MP -- thankyou: you made me laugh with your graphics sub-depatment of the Ministry of Truth. I will scrapbook the motherfucker dePRESSION INTO OBLIVION.

Sorry -- caps lock.

Oh Poor you, Have a couple of friends who felt just like you and we had to help out for a while, they are on the ADs called Citalopram and it has changed their lives. Speak to your gp about them...I wish you well.....

lol @ graphics division of Ministry of Truth - that IS me! XXX

Hi Threadie - glad you posted again. And glad you're going to the doctors - hope they offer some support to go along with the pills. And keep posting - sharing "poison" hurts none of us, I promise - keeping it to yourself is more damaging all round.

Thank you habbs, and esp for your very kind email. I feel very lumpy and inarticulate just now. I asked for help here and had very kind and supportive replies. I know I'm not doing them justice but I really do appreciate them all.

Oh Threadie wondered where you'd been...
I hope things start to improve for you soon. Keep posting if you can- there's always someone around if you need it.

(((hugs))) threadworm.

Distraction is an absolute art form on here Know what you mean about the trapped in yourself thing. Things will move on - hard to see right now I know, when you don't know how long you are going to feel trapped like this... but hang on to the fact that things will change a bit soon.

I don't really know what to do about ADs. In all essential ways they really really don't seem to make things better. But I asked DH just now whether I was different (better) when taking them and he said 'very very very very different'. How can it be that I am just as bad and yet so much better whilst taking them? I've lost perspective totally and would be grateful for input. I'm afraid, really, of using such a blunt instrument intermittently for so many years without a clear understanding of what they actually do to me. They don't make me happier. They make me more liveable with I suppose.

I'm sorry to keep on posting. I don't really talk to anyone in rl other than in an armour of pretence, and so I think am over-dependent on responses here.

I think thats the thing with ADs isn't it? They don't cure the underlying problem (for want of a better word) just numb everything and reset the brain chemistry.
You put it much better than I could further down the thread, with the filters etc...

I also think that when we take them, we cannot see the change in ourselves though others can. For this reason I think it is a good idea to take them in the short term- just to try and get things back on track as it were. They just don't seem to us that they are making a difference, they just blunt and flatten the emotions.

Is there something that has set this all off? or is it more a combination of things, combined with a depressive disposition?

Many people find CBT very helpful- is it possible to be referred by your GP? (though personally it didn't help at all... I think it depends on why you're depressed in the first place)

Thank you v much.

Yes, that sounds rght about ADs. I am slowly working my way back toward the idea of taking them again. In the past I've done so quite readily. But it always seems while I am taking them that they are doing no good and I crave not to be on them. I was just starting to think about being a blood donor again -- something I couldn't do for years whilst taking ADs.

I'm not sure why I am feeling worse now than usual. Something to do with worrying too much about work, plus the pressures of difficult older son and relationship problems with DH. A lot of it seems to do with accumulation of stress. Like I have just accrued enough tension over the years of parenthood to have suddenly reached the point where I can't stand any more. I used to make myself entirely alone when depressed, for years I just stayed apart from everything. But as a mother and a worker I just can't do that now, and the depression shows up as screaming stress. I keep on being in situations where I just fold up and wail. Everything goes black around me and I have this horrible blind tension. The rest of the time I just feel sick.

I am having CBT but it isn't really working out. I'm sorry it didn't work for you either EPPM. Thank you for replying -- and thanks gigglewitch. It does help. I'm sorry to keep on and on at this and to be so static.

not around this weekend threadie, but am thinking of you.

Thank you EPPM. Please don't feel you have to keep on answering when you get back.

I feel I shouldn't post more but I also feel so sick, so unable to handle some work niggles that are going on just now -- and in general so end of tetherish.

It is awful being around a depressed person because everything just stays the same no matter what you say to them .They just keep on hammering at the negative and nothing changes.

So I try to evacuate it on the internet. But I am being hopelessly needy here. Everything I post on this thread and everywhere on MN just makes me think MNers dislike me more and more. And that is how I feel in general -- that work colleagues are sick of me, that I fuck everything up, that there is nothing anywhere that isn't destroyed.

Threadie - you have to believe - and read this again and again if you have to - that you are much loved and respected here on MN by so many people. And your honesty on this thread only adds to those feelings, rather than diminishing them in the slightest. If posting here helps at all, in the tiniest way, then keep doing it. Depressed people do change, they do get better, but it is small and incremental, and in the midst of it I quite see how you feel that you're being impossible.

But it is ok to be needy. You are tremendously supportive and have so much goodwill from people here - you are more than entitled to your place at the trough of need. I think one of the awful things about depression is that it blinkers you from basic facts like that, and so creates its own vicious circle. So read and believe, missy, as many times as you need to. We are not related to you, we have no "obligation" to you - we respond because we like you, you are our friend, and we want to help and be there for you just as you are there for us.

You don't know me Threadworm, but I'd like to second Habbibu's lovely post above.

I have similar feelings about ADs, except I think they do help me. I have good day after good day and the absense of crappy feelings leads me to forget to take them. Then, quite suddenly, I'm very depressed again and sure that re-starting ADs won't help quickly enough. I'm my own worst enemy!

I'm so sorry that you're having such a bad time right now.

Again you dont know me, but I just wanted to let you know that I can see so much love and honesty on this thread, it has made me cry. I have recently been through a hard time with my little one and been made redundant. I get out every day for a walk and try my best to remember how wonderful the gift of being a mum is. A big hug to everyone stressed and feeling low. You are never alone, and your babies will love you no matter what. x

You don't know me, but I recognise you & you're lovely.

Thanks, all of you. These are lovely posts.

Just wanted to say that I'm going to be offline for a while so don't be concerned if you don't see me around.

Saw GP yesterday and have started necking the tabs.

Best of luck, Threadie. Get all the help you need, be kind to yourself & get well soon xxx