As if things weren't bad enough.... my Mum has been to Womans Aid to get a house to leave my Dad!

[Toothache]

It's been coming for years, she should have done it when my sister and I were kids. but she didn't. The reason she has the courage to do it now is coz sis and I are grown up and we are TELLING her how much hell my 2 wee brothers are going through (aged 13 and 16) with my Mum and Dad arguing horribly every night. It was awful to grow up in that environment, but he worked away most of the time (2weeks away 2 weeks at home) so we just got on with it. Plus my Gran was round every day and she was more like the other parent to us than Dad. But 10 yrs on Gran is in a home with severe Parkinsons and Dad is home every night.

I can't go into all the details, but he doesn't beat her up or anything. It's all verbal, and he does it to the 4 of us kids too.

At the moment, due to my Project Manager being off sick...... my Dad has been transferred, and is now my boss.

With everything my marriage, DH's work..... I just don't know what else can go wrong.

I know its the right thing for my Mum to do, but how do I deal with this??? They talk about each other all the time, Dad even slags off my Mum to all the guys at work when I'm sitting there. I have told him on more than one occasion that he is a bastard and a bully. But he thinks if he apologises then its ok. I know my Mum has been to a lawyer, housing dept and womans aid. They will probably get her and the boys a house in the next few weeks, but she hasn't spoken to my Dad since Sunday. And he keeps asking me.

What a mess. I can't stay out of it as I work with my Dad and my Mum has no friends. My sister won't talk about it either.

Just needed to spew that out....

Lillibet - My Mum is 53. So she's got a good 20yrs left in her yet.

lilibet - I've been Toothache for a while now but I used to be M2T.

What happened to your exclamations?????

Are they lost???????

I would have remembered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol Lilibet - I still use them on the more.... ahem..... lively threads. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????!!!?!?!?!

Anyhow, i wish your mum all the luck in the world. I left an abusive/controlling/violent husband after almost 20 years of marriage and it was the best thing I ever did. Just should have done it years before, but better late tan never. I can understand your Mum staying andn I can understand her leaving. Your sister shouldn't be too hard on her it's a horrible position to be in and teh worry of making the wrong decison when it affects children is a bi one.

Thanks Lillibet.

Well my Mum is now officially declared homeless!!

My Dad knows nothing about it. In fact he said to me this morning that Mums been very pleasant all weekend and he thinks it's all blowing over. then he made a joke saying "Unless she's been offered a house and is getting ready to move!"!!! I just said Hmmmm.

How awkward is this??? He is clearly trying to gauge my reactions.

oh toothache.....
hope everything goes well...
((huugs))

It's out of order that your company is expecting you to work under these conditions. Can you not speak to your HR department about it?

It's a shame that you Mum has to leave the family home, is there no way she could get your dad out? Good on her for doing it though, it took my mum 17 years to leave my dad and the difference in her was amazing.

Serenity - My work don't know anything about this..... even my Dad doesn't know whats going on!! They would not be sympathetic anyway.
It's alot easier for everyone if Mum gets a house just to get a way quickly and without fuss. After that she can force the sale of the house if she wants to. But I don't think she will. She should though coz it'll get her at least £70k!

Dino - He probably will since she's declared she's living at mine when she is still living with my Dad!!

So if you just said to them that there were 'family issues' at the moment and you weren't comfortable working with your dad (or even just say that generally you don't feel comfortable mixing personal and business relationships), they would just say 'tough'? It's very unfair on you

Serenity - yes coz there really is no work for me elsewhere.... they might as well pay me off. The other projects I could work on are miles away so would have to stay away from home.

So I'm here again today.... wish DH could get his work sorted out then we would be able to deal without my wage for a couple of months while I look for another job.

Just the same realyl Dino. Thanks for asking. Mum is just awaiting a phone call from housing. In the meantime her and Dad are being civil to each other. He thinks its all blown over!!!

Have housing said how long this will take?

Horrid situation for her/you to be in or does she feel better now that she has taken the decision?

Just seen this love, no advice but hope things get better soon .

Are you and dh getting on better since your first post?

They said 2 to 3 months. I think she feels better. He started ranting on about something the other night and she just went and sat upstairs again.
This is definitely the calm before the storm!

OO - I suppose we are. I think he has sussed that I'm just about at my limit for things I can take right now. Everything happening all at once is very difficult.

Does she have stuff to move into a new house with?

No, but I'm hoping they give her a Council Grant. There's also a place here that sells old furniture dirt cheap specifically for those declared homeless. I think it's a charity run organisation.

I'd be able to help her out too.

hi

my mum lived with my stepdad for over 20 yrs (me n my elder sister hated him) they never married. He was bloody awful to us, not violent but really nasty & always putting us down. He'd never let us go anywhere, one of us always had to be in to mind the younger 2 just in case they (and by "they" I mean him) wanted to go out. I can understand why your sister feels this way - I feel that my mum bent over backwards for my brother (half brother really but I'd never call him that, even if he is a pain in the arse!!) but we were just expected to get on with it.

My younger sister (9 yrs between us) calls him dad to this day and that makes me so bloody mad - he wasn't our dad and certainly didn't treat us as well as his own son!

It was always a case of walking on eggshells coz you never knew what type of mood he would be in - we left home just as we left school and got our own place and later when we had our own families, we stopped going round unless he was out because he started treating our kids the same as he used to treat us (tosser!).

She finally threw him out 3 years ago when she found out he'd cheated on her for the 2nd time (only think she did that because she kind of knew the other woman) and now she's married to the nicest man you can imagine. He's really been there for her when she had trouble with my brother and he keeps telling us that if we ever need anything to just ask.....

Loads of luck to your mum and to you too.

ps you know, I used to think it was just my life that was abnormal but after finding this website, I think its not me after all!!!!!!!

Thanks Charlie72 - Yeah we're all a right bunch of social misfits and dysfunctional families! lol

Good on your Mum.

Sorry that it ain't moving - 2 to 3 months is quite along time. Has your mum tried any Housing Associations or other Councils Toothache?

No she hasn't. I told her she should look into Link housing. She earns 11k a year and has no debts so should be able to get a £33k mortgage. With link offering half mortage/hlaf rent deals she would be able to afford a nice 2 bedroomed nearer Falkirk. But she's just biding her time waiting to hear.