Okay...
I have Borderline Personaility Disorder, and as part of this, I hear voices. I have them reasonably under control, and am quite open talking about it - I'm not ashamed of my condition any more, although its taken me a lot of time to get to a place where I'm not. The voices are both inside and outside my head - sometimes its like I'm eves-dropping on a conversation, and sometimes its hearing it dreictly spoken to me. They're cruel, and I hate them with all my might. I hate how They make me feel. I get paranoid that because I hate Them, They're going to make bad things happen - a car crash, a fire, someone coming to murder me. And I've been struggling for years with this - sometimes its worse than others. Some days I'm capable of tuning it out and caring on with a reasonably normal life. Some days I'm stuck in bed, paralyzed with fear.
My Great-Aunt (who I'm very close to) has two children. I get on alright with the man, but the woman is a different matter. She is self-obsessed, arrogant, knieving, malicious, two-faced... I could go on. But she really is a piece of work, and has been for all the time I've known her. It just so happens that last year she was diagnosed with Depression. I was in a physc. hospital at the time, and because of this, we used to talk a lot. I think its clear I'm not particularly fond of her, but I could sympathise to a degree of what she was going through, and I also knew how concerned my Great Aunt and Uncle were about her, and they felt better knowing she was talking to me. I pursuaded her to start medication (The doctor had told her she should but she was understandably anxious) and CBT, and for a while things were really looking up. Then I found out that she'd been repeating things that I'd told her in confidence, mocking me, and she openly said to me, "Well its okay for you - you're still young. Stop making such a fuss." Obviously, this really hurt me, because I was trying to be there for her.
Last night my Great Aunt called my Mum, really upset, because my cousin had called them at 3am that morning, screaming that she knew they were trying to kill her because the internet modem had told her. My poor Aunt (Who is not in the best of health) was terrified and confused, and very hurt. They haven't had the best of relationships over the past few years, but this was a total shock.
When my Mum got off the phone, she asked if I'd mind talking about it with her, so she could understand more of what was going on. I felt very sympathetic for my cousin, as initally it sounded like the recent trauma in her life (loosing her job) had sparked off a physcotic episode, and I know how unpleasent they are.
But the more I heard about what my Aunt had said, and how my cousin had behaved, the more I couldn't suppress the thought that she was just putting it on, and doing it to see just how much her parents loved her.
I feel so very cruel for thinking that, but honestly? I wouldn't put it past her. I feel so nasty.
I understand that some of her behaviour, while not being solely because of her illness, as it started a long time before, is intertwined and linked, but I have never just dismissed her actions because of her illness, because it just doesn't wash with me. Sometimes its very clear that she's not doing it because of her illness - she's doing it because she's a lazy cow and wants the fuss. Recently, she told my mum I was a slut because I'm pregnant. (I'm 18)
I'm quite shocked and angry at myself, and I really need someone to tell me I'm not being a total bitch. I'm more than willing to be there for her, because if she is lying, then she needs just as much help and support as if she's telling the truth. But I hate the fact she's upsetting my Aunt so much.
Am I being really unfair to have these suspicions? Am I playing up to the stigma I've been working for years to fight against?