Down and scared but I don't know why exactly and.........

[JamieJay]

....it's really confusing me.

I had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago, DH and I decided that we'd wait for one full cycle and then start again. My period arrived this morning so we can start again, I should be excited but am so scared and don't know what of, so can't snap out of it.

Thoughts keep running through my mind:

*not being able to fall pregnant.
*miscarrying again.
*that my being overweight caused the miscarriage and I shouldn't fall pregnant again until I've lost weight
*the impact on my career
*the impact of the baby on our relationship
*my lack of social life making my child shy

Is this degree of worry normal or should I be questioning my readiness for a baby?

Sorry it's so long but I needed to get it all down

Hi JamieJay, I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage, it really is a tough thing to go through and you are bound to be all over the shop. Basically I wanted to reassure you that I think everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. In fact, if you didn't have all these sorts of worries then I think you would be more strange.

I went through very similar feelings after I miscarried in February; wanting to be trying again and at the same time saying things like, 'oh, let's just not bother, why upset the status quo'. I think it is your natural defence mechanism trying to protect you from future disappointment. They are also very normal feelings and thoughts to have when you are expecting a baby (I'm having most of them now, at 10 weeks).

I think deciding to have a baby is a real leap of faith, because you just can't tell how you are going to feel about all the changes it's going to bring to your life, or how you might deal with the possible disappointments you are setting yourself up for.

I don't know if I'm helping at all really, but didn't want you to go unanswered.

I'd also say in response to your last point that having my first baby dramatically improved my social life - there are so many ready made groups to get involved with, and everyone automatically has a point in common, and I felt so much more confident once I'd had her; plus I don't think shyness is caused by how much or how little you socialise.

Finally, you don't have to try again if you need a bit more time, and that doesn't mean you should question your readiness for motherhood, it is just that you may need a bit longer to heal before forging ahead.

Good luck with it all.

Thanks Biccy for your honest response, your comment about upsetting the status quo really rings true to me. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage but good luck with your current pregnancy.

It helps to know that these sorts of feelings are 'normal'. I'm not certain if I'm really ready to start trying again (is anyone really ready) but think I'm just going to keep torturing myself until we do start again.

Lack of sleep due to heat isn't help my frame of mind either!

Hi JamieJay, how are you feeling today?

I should also have said that I did get over my feelings of amibivalence about trying again, and become excited about the whole process again. It can take a while, but the hurt and the fear do lessen over time, and you must try not to be hard on yourself for the way you're feeling.

I've also been thinking whether there are any things I can say to try and help with any of your other fears, and have got the following:

• fear of not getting pregnant again: you have done it once, which is proof positive that the two of you can conceive - there is really no reason why it shouldn't happen again, and there's a lot of anecdotal evidence that you are very fertile in the months after mc; if you want to feel like you are doing something to be 'in control', try the 'Deanna' plan (you can google it), it worked for us!

• fear of miscarrying again: well, of course unfortunately every pregnancy carries the risk of miscarriage, so there is a chance you could miscarry again... but, try to remember that while 1 in 8 babies miscarry in the first 12 weeks, that means 7 out of 8 don't... and any pregnancy subsequent to a miscarriage is at no greater than average risk

• my understanding is that there is very rarely a reason why you have miscarried, beyond something not being quite right with the embryo. It's so tempting to try and find reasons, especially things that you think you can change, but I really think you just have to say 'I was unlucky that time, and that is all', and go for it again, once you feel strong enough.

• not sure what I can say about your career; all I know is that by the time I reached about 30 weeks pregnant I had already pretty much lost all interest in my work, which means is hasn't been that hard to give up a certain aspects of it.

• again, your relationship is between the two of you; again I can only say what my experience has been, which is to find a deeper respect and love for my partner, as I watch his heart expand a thousandfold with love for our little one (who he wasn't that fussed about having in the first place...)

Have you been on the miscarriage threads on there. Maybe they'd be helpful.

Thanks Biccy, you've almost brought a tear to my eye .

I am feeling a lot better today, AF has finished today (sorry for TMI ) so actually starting to try again is a reality and it's made my really excited.

My next door neighbour also has a new born and every time I hear it cry I have a physical urge to cuddle it so I guess that's the broodiness kicking in.

I have had a brief look at the miscarriage threads but having lost my pregnancy at barely 6 weeks I feel a bit of a fraud compared to those who lost at 10+ weeks.

So glad to hear you are feeling better. (But you are not a fraud).

Good luck with trying with month!

Biccy
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