I want my life to end - my husband has just said he can't cope with me any more.

[jrsqueak]

Just had a huge row - am sat here in tears. I need to leave but don't want to. I want to go and hide from the world. Have suffered with depression for 18 months now. He says everything is my fault and it is. My kids hate me. I wouldn't mind but I tried to make a massive effort tonight

Your baby will be fine, but it you have nowhere to go then please stay put tonight. My dd has just turned 18mo and I am only just starting to get the house straight! Stay put and go see your GP Monday

You need to be strong Jr. And patient with yourself, but not indulgent. Take it a day at a time. Reject drama at every turn, and even if you fail now and again, just get back on the horse again. In time it will get easier. I promise you. But only you can do it.

jrsqueak - when you are depressed you are not in a position to make major decisions about whether or not you want to be with your DH.

Sit tight. Sleep. Eat. Talk about what is going on in your head. Fear and distress grow in the dark - so turn the light on your difficulties.

You don't want your life to end, you just can't see a way out of your unhappiness.

Monkeytrousers speaks so much sense. I don't think saying you would be better off without him is consturctive. Yes he has been an arse tonight but it doesn't make him an arse full stop. Like monkey trousers says he sounds at the end of his tether. It is hard living with someone with depression the whole dynamic of the relationship does change at times. It doesn't make you love that person any less but you do feel so helpless.

My ex was full of huge promises that were just totally unaitainbale. He was also frightened he had lived with his depression for so long that he barely remembered what it felt like not to and it was scary for him to have to fight to lift himself out of it. It had become his default setting. It took a long time of one day at a time for him to be able to think beyond that.

Your DH did make some hurtful remarks but standing in his position I can see where they came from and I honestly don't believe it is because he means them even slightly. The partners of people with depression do suffer too and he may benefit from someone outside the situation to talk to about his own feelings.

Good simple advice Light. But I would also add giving your DH the space not to talk and/or listen if he is a bit talked out. Don't take this as a sign that he doesn't care about you. It's the condition that he's pissed off at, just as how you feel now is not you, but the depression.

Getting over depression is like trying to see the wood for the trees. It can seem very daunting at first, but if you keep yourself orientated (give or take the odd slip) the path out will begin to appear and some sense will begin to come out of the confusion.

You have a lifetime together ahead of you though - you have time to take time and respect boundries when your are struggling as a family. There is no rush.

And please make a rule not to act out in front of your kids. Then DH. Then you will have the first handle on your emotions.

I aqgree with lazyslattern too.

I have a phrase that used to help me stop acting out - that I had to 'catch myself in the moment' and just stop it. I cannot describe how hard it is to do at first, but believe me, it can become second nature.

But please - I know I'm going on about this - please take some anti-depressants. They are a modern-day miracle.

I think today is Friday its been a long week you are tired he is tired - different sorts of tiredness i know but.....

You arent responsible for making the baby hungry so you couldnt go for the take away

you arent responsible for feeling so down

He cant help that hes tired because he works long hours.

Heres what to do,it wont happen overnight but it gives you something to go on

Are you really depressed?not just pissed off with life at the mo? if you are then get to the G.P on monday you deserve support.

Is your house untidy? take a few mins each day to tackle a job you rarely do (in addition to any cleaning you normally do)

look at storage for toys and clutter and start little and often.

If mealtimes are a pain when he works late look at freezing something you can defrost in a hurry- chilli,curry or even egg and chips save takeaways for when you are both able to enjoy them.

Thank you all for last night - well he is still in a grump with me. I do try and tidy but it just doesn't happen - have 3dc under 5 at home. I manage a surface tidy every day, wash/dry clothes every day and wash dishes but the minute I start something its mum I meed help or they are arguing or baby needs something.
I wasn't trying to be a martyr - that was how I felt last night but this morning I am still debating leaving because if he can't support me then I can't be around him at the min.

Honeslty whoever said you are not in an emotional position to make a decision like that right now was totally right.
You said he is usually nice so i'm assuming you feel he is usually suppportive.

Living with depression doesn't only affect the person with depression it does affect the whole family and if he is feeling exhausted and at the end of his tether emotions will be running high and I reckon we all say things we don't actually mean when we are feeling like that.

I agree with the person that said if you feel you are depressed again and not taking medication anymore then you need to take yourself off to the drs on monday morning and make some steps to helping yourself out of this.

Talk to your DH tell him how upset what he said made you feel but reassure him that you don't want to feel like this and that you are doing something about it.

I think the tidying thing will be a symptom of the other stuff. It is impossibe to keep a house tidy with 3 kids under 5 - unless you have a daily cleaner.

Give yourselves a break and when you are ready to talk again - calmly - start by having realistic expectations of each other.

We often slip into bad communication habits when under stress too. When we start playing the blaming game, not listening, etc, it's time to take the time for a reboot. Re-learning good communoication is really easy too.The steps are so simple, it is within the reach of everyone. There's no need to read books. Just concentrate on the 10 steps. Don't complicate things.

I found this website which have the good basics down pat. These are all you need so don't be seduced by books or gurus. Good communication is not brain surgery.

stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/healthycomm.htm

and the Relate site whch are the only books I would recommend.this one which you can buy for £3.59 and then after you are on a real plan to overcome the depression (it's a condition not a disease - it can be done) this one is just good for everyone who wants to make things work

If you don't know about the difference between 'you' and 'I' statements I'd recommend you look at the 10 steps before talking to your DH again. Best of luck. When you hear those thoughts telling you it's too hard, remember it's the depression speaking not you.

jrsqueak - you are saying you want to leave because DH cannot support you. He is your husband and you have 3 DCs together - he is on your side. He is part of your team and leaving because you are depressed would most likely cause more problems than it solves.

Put down the computer for a while! Go and get dressed, don't look too far ahead today, just try and get through as best you can.

Lots and lots of us have been where you are - honestly. It will get better and maybe you do have some relationship issues to resolve, but you are not in the right space to take drastic action.

Take care.

As JRSQUEEKS husband I feel I should be able to present my side of the story as I believe there is some mis information going on here. jrsqueek was not feeding the baby when it was time to go for the takeaway, actually she had already fed him and he was asleep, he happened to wake up when he was taken to his cot, I said I would happily hold him and rock him back to sleep. I didn't want to go for the takeaway as my legs were agony having been on my feet most of the day, I had actually abraised the inside of my legs from walking around at work in blistering heat, only for it to turn to rain then my workvan broke down and I had to stand in the rain and wait for the recovery driver. So to say you were feeding the baby is untrue and immediately opens things up on here for people to paint me as heartless for making you go out and leave the baby starving, ironically when you threatened to leave later on you weren't taking the baby with you so you obviously didn't have his requirements for feeding that close at heart?

Do I do enough at home? I don't expect to come home and find the house spotless, I have said that to you countless times. My point was last night that you often say you will do thinks only to find a way out of it, this to me was another occasion of this happening.

I do all the ironing, I hoover and I cook often. My ironing is good and my cooking isn't bad. I hoover and clean when I can too.

I feel I have supported you throughout your ilness, I have tried not to judge or let it show that I am struggling to help you, but to come accross this on here has hurt me extremely deeply, I can't stop feeling hurt, betrayed and angry over it. If it was the truth then fair enough but it was completely one sided. There is some good advice on here and one thing you should know by now is threatening to leave me doesn't make me want to beg you to stay, I believe if you don't want to stay with me then you should go, I don't pander to attention seeking behaviour.

What should be focussed on here is that, I love you and I always will. I have tried my very best to be there for you, and I always will be. It hurts finding bad things written about you on here as you will have found out by now, but at least what I have written is the truth, maybe you will read it and understand as when I say it it's met with elongated silence which only makes the situation worse as your lack of communication drives me to say things that I don't mean.

I don't know what to say or do anymore. sorry

I think you both sound knackered and fed up.
Maybe you should sit down and chat to each other and try and sort it out .
I honestly know how hard it is we have 6 dc under 11 and we had a massive row last night over a bath really it was because we were knackered and had had a long day so took it out on each other .
Hope you both manage to sort things out and JR you could try to chat to the HV if you feel really crap it happens to a lot of us .

Souldestroyed- I completely understand the urge to set the record straight BUT no good will come of hashing your relationship out on here.
Whilst some posters take every relationship whinge at face value, many (most?) realise that OP will sometimes be putting forward an edited account in order to elicit the type of response that will comfort them in a moment of upset.

It doesn't really matter what you say here, husbands coming on to respond to their wives posts never goes down well and I dont think you need to become embroiled with a bunch of imaginary sprites in your computer. Not when you and your wife clearly need to support each other and address whatever issues there are in your relationship.

Best of luck to you both.

FWIW you both sound exhausted and fraught as well you might with three young dcs. work and depression. You're bound to be at each other's throats.

Try to be kind to each other and believe that things will get easier as the dcs grow.

Please don't take it to heart souldestroyed. I have come on here many times and called DP all the names under the sun just to vent and have a moan .

I was actually composing a very angry post in my head last night while feeding DD when in reality both of us had been as unreasonable and silly .

Zookeeper is right be kind to each other .

I haven't followed her on here, I was asked to join by her for some competition thing months ago, the thread happened to be on the screen when I picked the laptop up yesterday morning.

So obviously I am the controlling one Dittany? Well done for reading my post to completion, I actually have said these things to her face and I actually told her I have posted this, so I wouldn't say it's controlling, if my wife disagrees, then she is free to either tell me to my face, or on here, I will respect either way. I have many faults, controlling isn't one of them, attacking people back when they attack me is one of them. To me a marriage is something we should be working at together which is what I have been doing. I agree husbands coming on to defend them selves isn't going to go down well. I shall leave this as it is, i've said my piece, I have no intention to gain any sympathy, I just wanted facts to be put straight. We generally surf mumsnet together and in the past have enjoyed how as soon as anyone posts anything negative the 'mumsnet clique' step in and tell the woman to leave the man because it's always the mans fault whereas the vast majority seem to offer genuine helpful advice.

Any way I am flouncing over to dadsnet to complain my sausages were overcooked and my shirt was shirt was badly ironed this morning. And before anyone fails to see the funny side, I ironed my own (and my wife and 4 childrens clothes) as well as cooked my own sausages, I hasten to add I didn't cook the wifes bacon as I do it crap.

Yes Dittany, you've made me realise I am the route cause of my wifes depression and stress, even from before she ever met me. ;)

Why don't you continue to psychoanalise my entire post in order to paint me as a bad person, while you're at it feel free to do the same to everyone elses in the order of fairness. I can't await your response I am afraid as I intend to go with my family to a fun day and try and re build what my marriage to the strength it was before this sorry mess happened.

Hang on that's probably wrong and controlling isn't it?

I think 'soul destroyed' as been on here befoe flouncing is deffo a mn term used in that respect ..........