first counselling session tomorrow and petrified

[charlotteperkinsgilman]

but sanguine.
way too many things going round in my head for me to get control of without some external help, i think.
never asked for any help before and so feeling fairly alarmed about how i'm going to cope with letting any of it out, really.
am probably the world's worst control freak...

It is hard, that first asking for help. A good counsellor won't make you let go of more than you are ready for at the time. That's why you have all the sessions. I hope you can have a chilled evening, and if you can't stop thinking about it maybe write down where you would like to start? Lots of luck.

How did it go? I hope you are doing ok.

it was easier than i thought it would be... i cried most of the way there, cried for 45 minutes there, but have been a bit calmer since. i think it is the relief of finally deciding to do something about it. i'm seeing her every week for the next month or two so i think i need to use the time to get shot of all the baggage i'm lugging about with me. hopefully then i won't feel like i'm teetering on the edge of a breakdown the whole time.
thanks for asking.
interestingly she said from my whole demeanour and reactions she thought i might be experiencing shock, which i didn't agree with and said it was all too long ago to be shocked etc, but it did make me think yesterday, and actually i am wondering if it is a bit of delayed reactions which have suddenly surfaced years later. weird world...

Well done. I think crying is or can be good.
I hope the edge gets further away. Are you taking any meds? I hope the rest of the sessions are helpful too

Well done for finding the strength to approach a counsellor for help in dealing with things that have happened years ago. I just wanted to add, that the passing of time is often not enough for people to come to terms with traumatic events which happened in the past. Trauma has no sense of time, so if past events have been 'packaged away', when they resurface it can seem as fresh as if it happened yesterday.

Also, its perfectly fine to disagree with your counsellor if she makes any suggestions which don't feel right to you. A good counsellor will appreciate being questioned / challenged, and you will get more from the counselling process if you do so. Just to put you in the picture, I am currently doing a degree in counselling (due to qualify in 3 weeks) and I only have placement experience, but I know a little about the theory behind it. It's important to remember that counsellors are not 'experts' - they should not diagnose, or tell you what to do. Rather, they will help you find the resources to work out what you feel is right for yourself.

I hope this helps.

thank you both.

i'm not taking any meds and don't want to, really. there are several things that have, as silky says, just been packaged away, but obviously as other stuff happens i've sort of become full to the brim of coping mechanisms i guess, (or stick another stopper in that issue and ignore it) and just got to the point where i wasn't sure if i was going to completely crack, but with no discernable reason... i sort of think that meds might help me feel better, but they wouldn't help me ditch some of the baggage, which i think is probably what i need to do...

i did disagree with her about the shock thing when she offered it as a suggestion - i just said 'oh no - they're just part of life now, history, one of those things in the past', but i hadn't really realised that it wasn't necessarily current shock that she was refering to - or a current manifestation of shock, but not a current trigger iyswim... and actually, that would sort of explain the flashbacks too, although i hadn't connected that until i just typed it... i was just kind of explaining that i hadn't been in shock for 7 years (as if that was clearly ridiculous), but actually, maybe i just haven't ever voiced it... or realised if i'd got it over with instead of burying it, maybe... i'll have to see where that one goes i think - not sure i want to dig around too much tonight.

she seemed very relaxed, whilst i was a complete wreck, and definitely let me just gush really, i guess giving her time to work out from my tangled mess of sobs and words what on earth i was blethering on about, when i didn't really know myself.

i haven't told dh btw - he's away quite a lot with work, and although has been quite alarmed on the recent occasion where i've had a meltdown (one of the reasons i decided to try and get some help to get sorted out) i'd kind of rather he didn't know. still seeing it as a sign of weakness i guess (not that freaking out in the middle of the night, chucking stuff around and getting up to drink peppermint tea for hours is a sign of strength lol) but do they generally suggest you tell people? i know my reluctance to seek help/ show any sign of weakness is probably something that will be dug over in due course, but as he's accidentally embroiled in quite a lot of the back-issue stuff (quite inadvertently, nothing he caused or did) i'd rather he didn't develop a guilt complex through no fault of his own... it would be better if i could sort myself out - or do they usually ask if you are going to tell others? i don't know how that works...
anyway, thanks both.

Your counsellor may or may not enquire as to whether you have told dh of your involvement in counselling, that's entirely your business, and it won't make any difference to her or how she works. Your reasons for keeping counselling a private thing are entirely valid, you say that he is not directly involved in the issues, and there is something to be said for making your journey of recovery a personal one which you manage alone with your counsellor. I suspect you will gain much strength from this in the long run.

You mention meds too, which I know can be very effective in helping some people who suffer from clinical depression. I'm not sure if you are one of those people, but I think you are right to approach the talking therapy route to get to the root of what has happened in your life.

It seems to be to be a good sign that she appeared to be relaxed, although you say at the time you were struggling with a tangle of emotions. This is an important part of the process to work through; counselling can sometimes make things seem worse before they get better, as it brings a lot of buried feelings to the fore, and this is not easy. It can feel safer to just forget it, and keep them buried iykwim!

Wishing you well.